Set Fire to the Rain
by One Brave Lamb
Summary: After Edward left, Bella was broken. She wallowed in misery, until a startling revelation changed everything. "He left me. He lied. He broke my heart and acted as if he simply didn't care. But, simply stated, I let him." New Moon, Alternate Universe.
1. Awakening

**For Amanda, Nikki, Annie and Stef. Your encouragement means the world to me and I love you all. Thank you for not giving up hope. Katie, as always, you are the twin I never knew I had. Never leave me, I'd be lost without you.**

**All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephanie Meyer, I'm simply playing around with New Moon.**

...

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." - James A. Baldwin

...

"You don't want me." I said flatly. I hated this part. My eyes burned into the forest floor, knowing that if I looked up at him I would surely lose the trembling grip I had on my sanity.

"_Of __course__, __I__'__ll __always __love __you__… __in __a __way__. __But __what __happened __the __other __night __made __me __realize __that __it__'__s __time __for __a __change__. __Because __I__'__m__… __tired __of __pretending __to __be __something __I__'__m __not__, __Bella__. __I __am __not __human__._"

Anger surged in my belly, his words, oh they sounded honest. Biting, even, but I knew better.

"_You__'__re __not __good __for __me__, __Bella__."_

He waited, expecting, I'm sure for me to stumble. For his rejection to wash over me and shatter what little hope I held within myself. I simply continued to glare at the forest floor.

"_I __promise __that __this __will __be __the __last __time __you__'__ll __see __me__. __I __won__'__t __come __back__. __I __won__'__t __put __you __through __anything __like __this __again__. __You __can __go __on __with __your __life __without __any__more __interference __from __me__. __It __will __be __as __if __I__'__d __never __existed__."_

This was beyond infuriating, he was speaking to me as if I were a child. As if I didn't know what resided in my own heart. As if I didn't know that somewhere, deep down and hidden, he was breaking his own as well.

"_Don__'__t __worry__. __You__'__re __human__—__your __memory __is __no __more __than __a __sieve__. __Time __heals __all __wounds __for __your __kind__._ "

Ah, yes, please belittle me just a tiny bit more. If he thought I failed to notice his slip, tiny as it were, he was sadly mistaken.

"_Well__, __I __won__'__t __forget__. __But __my __kind__… __we__'__re __very __easily __distracted__."_

I awoke with a start, gasping and shaking, but no longer with tears and a frantic scream on my lips. No, I was no longer broken-hearted and wallowing in my misery. I was angry. So very angry.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, expelling large breaths as I tried to calm myself. I knew that the anger was good, healing even; but it was who I was angriest at that always pulled me up short.

Sure, I could continue to act as if it were all Edward's fault. He left me. He lied. He broke my heart and acted as if he simply didn't care.

But, simply stated, I let him. I knew, months ago, when he spoke those cold words, that something wasn't right. However, I let my own insecurities flicker to life and engulf me in their fiery destruction. I had always thought he was too good for me. It was about time he came to that conclusion himself, right?

I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, and stared at my computer. I knew what I would do. The same thing I had done time and time again, since that day in September. I pushed myself off the bed and walked over, turning the machine on. At first, it was simply cathartic. A way to expel emotions, get them out of my mind and try to come to terms with how badly I was hurt. But the more I wrote, the more that tumbled out of me, I realized that these things needed to be said. I needed for them to see what they had done to me. So I expunged the blackest of the black within my soul. I recounted every tear, every scream, every ache and pain. I recounted the time I spotted a silver car in Port Angeles and broke down into tears in the middle of a crowed sidewalk. I explained how I had pushed every single person I ever cared for away, because I couldn't be the person they loved anymore.

I did it all with one intention. I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me.

So as the pale moonlight moved across my bedroom floor, I let it out. All the pain and longing and anger and sadness. I had so many pages now. I didn't even know for sure if they still had their current email addresses. A funny thing, considering how starved I was for any kind of communication with them -any of them, I couldn't lie to myself, I longed for him most - yet had never actually attempted contact.

My fingers flew over the keys. Some times volatile and aimed to hurt, sometimes pleading and heartfelt. I was a living, breathing dichotomy - this I knew. I wanted him - them - I wanted my life back. The life where my heart was so full of love, hope and life. Where every single day seemed like a gift sent to me directly from the Heavens above. I wanted it back.

I was also very angry, and felt that it was so important for them to understand just how much they had broken me.

My fingers slowed, and through blurry vision that was all too common for me these days I realized that I had nothing left to say. I had said my I love yous and my I hate yous. I had given each and every family member their own piece. I wiped my eyes and slowly swallowed, giving in for a moment to my fear.

A soft breeze danced through my room and I smiled. I missed the feeling of the night air, I hadn't opened my window since Charlie had forced it closed at the end of October.

And that was the precise moment my finger froze, hovering a fraction of an inch above the mouse - the pointer on my screen dancing above the send button.

I hadn't opened my window since the end of October. _I __hadn__'__t __opened __my __window_.

I could feel my heart beating a furious rhythm against my sternum, terrified to turn around - and even more so that I had finally cracked. That this was it, I was officially certifiable. I kept my finger poised above the mouse, unsure what my next course of action would be.

"It certainly took you long enough, Bella," came the high and clear voice from across the room. "I had begun to lose faith in you, if we're being totally honest." Her voice was like a soothing balm against all my wounds. Of course she would come. As quickly as her presence soothed me, it ripped a fiery path through my very soul. How could she be so calm? How could she act as if their departure hadn't tortured me endlessly for months?

"Well, I'm so sorry if I let _you _down, Alice." My voice was harder than even I expected, and after a sharp intake of breath she let out a weak chuckle.

"Touché, Miss Swan."

I felt betrayal burn inside me and I couldn't control the venom in my voice with my next question.

"Why are you here, Alice?"

I heard her expel a large breath before she replied, almost brokenly.

"I'm here to make sure you make the right choice."

I swung around in my chair, nearly sobbing when my eyes finally fell on her lithe form. She was sitting on the window sill, looking extraordinarily rough. I had never seen Alice look so very tired and rumpled. Still, I was angry that she thought she could just show up months later and begin to tell me what to do.

"I know you aren't going to try and keep me from sending this, Alice. I need to do this. I have to and I don't honestly care what you've seen or how this affects you, him or anyone else for that matter. It needs to be said. I'm not even sure that it'll go through and it's probably a dead end but I still feel that it's very important." I was gaining steam and with my eyes still trained on her face, I let go of a shuddering breath. She looked utterly impassive. Like what I was saying mattered very, very little.

"Goddammit, Alice! You might be all seeing but you sure as hell aren't all knowing, and to be honest I could give a fuck less about your opinion!" Narrowing my own eyes and trying in vain to slow my breathing, I continued. "Your opinion, your high and mighty opinion stopped mattering the second you chose to turn your back on me and left without any semblance of a goodbye." I fought the sob clawing it's way up my throat. I needed to get this out. This burning ugliness that was buried deep down inside, that made my stomach feel sour and nervous at the same time.

"I just don't care that I might be imposing on your perfect little family with my silly little human emotions, Alice. You all deserve to hear them and face them...and deal with everything I've had to. On my own. At least for one moment in time. At least for one single second, because I've had to deal with nothing but since September. Because everyone else has gone on...and I've been stuck in it, all alone."

I watched as her facade slowly started crumbling. I watched with absolutely no glee as my pain was reflected in her own amber eyes.

"I want you all to live it with me for just a small amount of time, so I can feel like I did exist. Because when Edward left, it wasn't like he never existed, Alice. It was like I never did. Because he took everything that made me who I was with him." She opened her mouth to speak but I held up a shaky hand, telling her with my eyes that I didn't want to hear anything from her at that moment. It was finally my time and she had opened the floodgates.

"And it isn't fair, Alice, that he gets to be the one that still exists - somewhere! Where I'm not sure, and that makes it worse. Because he shouldn't be real. He shouldn't have existed in the first place. None of you should have. You're supposed to be mythological creatures, that have no place in this world outside of fairy tales and horror stories. But you do. And I'm a living, breathing testament to that. Because I loved you all, with every fiber of my being and because of it, I'm nothing but memory to everyone around me. Because I let each of you in, I gave each of you a place in my heart and when you left you took all of me with you. It's not fair that you all get to go about your lives, and I've simply stopped living. I hate you. I hate all of you. Almost as much as I love you."

I turned back toward the computer screen, trying to keep my eyes dry and knowing it was a battle I would ultimately lose. I tried to hold on to the anger burning through me, but my last words rang true. As angry as I was, as hurt and disappointed - I still loved them with every beat of my heart. I motioned to the screen before turning back to her, almost pleading in my demand for her to understand.

"It feels like the only tie I have left to you all, I can't just let it go...I can't. I need to be able to...I have to let you all know...I can't just let it go." My breath was slowing, my eyes misting over again. I watched in almost awe, as her fingers flexed around the window sill, splinters breaking off and tumbling through the air to the floor. She looked like she wanted to say something but stayed stoically silent.

I sighed deeply and let my eyes fall to my lap. I knew it would come to this, even if she weren't here. Could I actually go through with it, anyway? And I knew the answer, deep in my soul.

I couldn't. These people were like family to me, I loved them all madly and I couldn't even try to bring them the slightest amount of pain.

And just like that, I lost myself to the grief all over again. One broken, shuddering sob became two. Two became three and before I knew it, I was right back to that day in September, only this time by my own making.

In a flash, Alice was before me, her dark tawny eyes searching my own frantically. With more compassion than I could comprehend, she grabbed my hand and shook her head.

"No, it's okay, Alice. I'm not going to send it, don't worry. I'm sorry you had to come all the way back here." It took all my strength to force the words out. Hot tears continuously streamed down my face and for the life of me, I couldn't find it in me to care. I let my eyes close, brief as it were, because her next words sent a shock straight through me.

"No, Bella, I'm here to make sure you _do_ send it."

...

**I hope you liked it. **


	2. Visions

**For Amanda, Nikki, Annie and Stef. Your encouragement means the world to me and I love you all. Thank you for not giving up hope. Katie, as always, you are the twin I never knew I had. Never leave me, I'd be lost without you.**

**All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephanie Meyer, I'm simply playing around with New Moon.**

**This was supposed to follow immediately after chapter one, however FFn has been evil. No worries, you get it now. Chapter three will follow on next Friday or Saturday. I truly hope you enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it.**

**...**

"Between sisters, often, the child's cry never dies down. "Never leave me," it says; "do not abandon me."

- Louise Bernikow

...

It had been, what had become, a normal day for me. Jasper and I were forcing ourselves to have a pleasant hunt. Ever since the birthday party he had been so consumed with guilt, it rolled off of him in thick, heady waves. Add to that, my despair. I had lost my sister, my best friend, my confidant. My heart felt like it had been shattered. That if I could look inside myself, I would only find diamond dust where the frozen organ used to belong. I could feel his guilt; he could feel my pain and it added to the never-ending cycle we had all been in since September.

I closed my eyes and willed everything away. Jasper had taken a route to the east, he had caught the scent of a large caribou. I simply wanted a moment of peace. A moment where everything didn't hurt so much. A moment where my family wasn't disjointed and only holding together out of sheer will.

We all lost something when we lost Bella. Each of us. No one more so than my brother. I hadn't spoken to Edward in over a month. It was simply too much. Neither one of us could face the other without being reminded of what we each had lost and with that, our strong bond simply crumbled. I couldn't stop myself from thinking of her, he couldn't handle even the thought of her name. He didn't want us to interfere in her life in any way, yet I couldn't make the visions of her stop. It was a stalemate. There was nothing we could do.

With a deep inhalation, I tried to redirect my focus to the hunt. A sweet, but tangy scent was to the north. A bobcat. I followed the path, trying desperately to give myself over to the hunt - but what nearly felt like vertigo was swimming on the edges of my consciousness. I placed my hand against the nearest trunk of the cedars surrounding me.

"Shit." The small expletive fell from my lips before I could stop myself. I felt the warm familiarity, I knew this would be another vision of Bella and I also knew that Jasper would hear my exclamation and rush to my side. It wasn't as if I didn't want him there, but I knew how the visions of Bella tore at me and I didn't want to compound his guilt any further. I heard his rushed footfalls speeding in my direction before my vision clouded over, and I was in a tiny bedroom in Forks, Washington. I thought I may have choked out a sob, but I wasn't completely sure, instead I was basking in the presence of my best friend.

It always struck me, my visions of Bella. Before we left, they felt like what I would compare to a fit of giggles. Very effervescent, something you wanted to keep close to your heart. After our departure, I compared them to heartache. They felt melancholy and were tinged blue around the edges.

I could see Bella in her tiny twin bed, thrashing fitfully in her sleep. This didn't surprise me, I had the same vision time and time again. Normally, I would pull out of it, my own pain being too great - it was selfish on my part, but I simply couldn't allow myself to see her grief. I didn't think I would be able to survive it.

This time, however, there was no escape. I drifted through the plane, watching with growing horror as she screamed. Her words startling me.

"No!" A fist flew into the mattress.

"Stop lying to me!" A face drawn tight with grief and anger.

"Please don't take it all away." A broken plea, that split my chest wide open.

I watched with a mixture of awe and dread as she awoke, glorious in her anger and sadness. The edges blurred momentarily, and then stilled as we came to rest in front of the harsh glow of her computer screen. I was confused, until I saw a look of pure determination rest upon her features. Her fingers began to fly across the keyboard, the staccato beat echoing throughout my mind.

I no longer saw Bella, in the flesh, but I saw her words. So raw and emotional that it cut me to my quick. I saw all the names of my family and words for them. If I had a beating heart, I could only imagine that it would have stopped then restarted double time from the sheer amount of anguish and adoration in her prose. I saw my name in the swirling mass of information and directed all of my focus to that point. It was a visceral need of my own making. I had to know what she needed to tell me. I could ignore it no more than I could ignore the rising and falling of the sun each day.

I could sense Jasper's presence, calming comfort breaking through the misty edges of the vision - but I was still lost in the rabbit hole.

_Alice - the sister of my soul._

_What I believe hurts most is that I can't understand why you never gave me a chance to say goodbye. I could never express my love for you. I never got the chance to tell you how much I adored your light. You brought warmth and vitality to every single thing you touched. Including me._

_At first, I thought your makeovers were bullshit. That you were being haughty and trying to force me into a role that I wasn't meant to play. After spending so much time dissecting each and every memory I have of you, I realized that wasn't the case at all. You were trying valiantly to show me what you thought I was._

_Beautiful._

_You wanted to surround me with things that you deemed just as beautiful as myself. You wanted me to accept certainties about myself that I had never even considered and for that, I truly am grateful._

_That leads me to this, you wanted so badly for me to see myself as you saw me. You wanted me to embrace this vision and live it fully. But then you left - you left me in the middle of my transformation. Do you realize that I'm no longer here because of that? I'm not the Bella I was before you, but I'm not what you were trying to achieve either. I'm stuck in a never ending limbo._

_I'm nothing._

The words swirled about in my mind's eye, and I could feel the dry, heaving sobs wracking my body. Bella had never been nothing. She had always been the final piece. The one to bring my family together in ways some of us never deemed possible. She had a beauty and grace that brought even the most beautiful of us up short. She was a rarity. A diamond in the rough.

The vision continued to play out and I balked against it. I didn't want to see this heartache; it felt wrong to see such private messages, filled with words from her very soul. I kept pushing against it, trying and failing to throw up mental blocks. For the briefest of seconds I worried about what I was allowing Jasper to feel, but the thought was whispered away as quickly as it came. I continued fighting against the tormenting vision with all my strength until a soft voice echoed through my conscious.

"Perhaps you have to see this. Quit fighting it. Just let it go."

My own voice startled me, but it shouldn't have. Too many times I had been lost in a vision, unable to find a way out, but my voice would always carry the answer among the wisps eventually.

I forced myself to relax, to let it happen and as quickly as the vision came - it went.

I blinked blearily up at Jasper's worried face. I could still feel the calming waves, but they were spiced with fear and worry. I raised my hand to cup his cheek gently, stroking the dark circles beneath his ocher eyes.

"Ali, what was that - it felt like your heart was breaking." His voice was a somber whisper and I swallowed thickly, recalling just how her words had made me feel.

"Jazz," I stopped - turning myself so that we were face to face. "It's Bella. I can't explain it all right now, but I need you to get the family together. I need you to get them to Forks. All of our futures depend on this! Can you do that for me?" My worlds tumbled from my mouth rapidly, disjointed in their rhythm.

"But Alice - what - why.." I hated to cut him off, knowing that he was sensing the fear that was bubbling up from my stomach in anxious little flutters. I simply didn't have time to explain it all, not too mention, I could never explain it as well as she would.

Instead I pressed a firm kiss to his lips and stroked his cheeks tenderly. I hated to be apart from him, even if it were only for a few hours.

"Go get the family. Take them to Forks. You cannot wait another second." He felt my sincerity and nodded, though his eyes were wide with worry.

"What about -" but I cut him off once more.

"Don't worry about Edward, I'll take care of him. Go. Now." I felt his lips press to mine once, twice more and then with a rush of wind, he was gone. I swallowed thickly, before pulling out my phone. I knew what I was about to do was the right thing, but it didn't stop the buzz of what felt like phantom adrenaline from surging through me.

I pressed the button and spoke the words that would seal all of our fates.

"Edward. Come home now. It's Bella."

...

**I would love to know what you think.**


	3. Condemnation

**For Amanda, Nikki, Annie, Allie and Stef. Your encouragement means the world to me and I love you all. Thank you for not giving up hope. Katie, as always, you are the twin I never knew I had. Never leave me, I'd be lost without you. Sue and Andrea, thank you for making my words pretty.**

**All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephanie Meyer, I'm simply playing around with New Moon.**

...

"Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice." - Author Unknown

**...**

I stood in the great room of our home, gazing out of the bay window. I had let my mind wander, simply content to gaze at the endless prisms reflecting the day's last light off the snow. The house had become so still - utterly silent. It tore at my heart. I hadn't been surrounded by so much quiet in years.

My thoughts drifted to Edward, as they always did lately. My son, my poor misguided son. The last any of us had heard he was somewhere in South America, still hunting for Victoria and the threat she posed to the one who held his heart. He refused to allow any of us to help. He felt it was his burden to carry. His alone.

I allowed my head to fall forward and rest against the window pane. The temperature of the glass felt relatively warm, a startling contrast of the frozen landscape stretching out in front of me. I had been struggling with the decision to leave Forks - leave Bella - from the very moment I had agreed to it. We all loved Bella, but my loyalty lay with Edward, my firstborn of sorts. I wasn't convinced that it was the right course of action, but I had no other alternatives that he would listen to at the time.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to stop thinking about it. It would do us no good.

I turned my attention to the stairs, when I heard Esme's approach. Her gait was slow, her face tight but thoughtful. It had become a constant; I had seen her face drawn with worry more in the past few months than I had in all our time together combined.

"Hello, darling," I murmured softly. I knew she felt a deep guilt within. She had told me once that she felt as if she had failed both of them. Esme loved Bella as if she were her own flesh and blood. And Edward, he was her baby boy. She had yet to figure out just how to move on; she felt as though she couldn't.

"Hello, my love." A small smile lit her features as she made her way over to the window. "Enjoying the view?" I relished in her comfort as she rested her head against my shoulder before wrapping my own arms around her and pulling her close. There was a dull ache in my chest thinking about how much solace I could derive from Esme's touch - and that Edward had given that away.

"Something like that." We stood wrapped up in each other for a time, simply allowing the other's strength to flow through us. It was peaceful.

As the sun began to dip below the mountains to the west, we both heard Emmett's heavy footsteps finally coming up from the rec room. He hadn't been playing his games, just sitting quietly. The change in his demeanor had been startling at first, but we had all eventually realized that this was Emmett's way of grieving. For the most part he was his normal boisterous self, but there were times - especially if anyone mentioned his lost brother or sister - that he simply dulled and quieted. Almost as if in reverence.

I gave Esme a small squeeze before making my way into the living room. It seemed that the house had finally stirred, life moving on - if only for a moment. Rosalie had made her way downstairs just as Emmett emerged, and a relative awkwardness swept across us all. We knew who and what were missing, we just chose to try and ignore it. We all took up residence on the plush furniture in the living space. Conversation seemed hard to come by, but not for lack of trying.

"Everyone finished with their Christmas shopping?" Rosalie questioned quietly while picking at imaginary lint on her sweater. She put on a good show, seemingly ignorant to the distress of the rest of the family. However, I had heard her comforting Emmett on more than one occasion since the events of September.

Esme sighed and turned her attention back to the windows, my only guess being that she didn't wish to acknowledge the holidays without all of her children present. With Emmett's non-committal hum and my silent affirmative, Rosalie rolled her eyes and picked up one of her many magazines from the coffee table.

A companionable silence fell between us, for the most part, until we heard the rushed footfalls approaching from the northwest. Emmett was the first to perk up, peering out the window to see who was approaching the house so quickly. Our attention was drawn to Jasper as he broke through the tree line, looking more than a little haggard. There was no sign of Alice, which sent off warning bells among us all.

I stood, worry washing over me as Jasper broke through the door. My fears were justified when the room was swept with no small amount of panic and fear.

"Jasper?" I could find no other words for him. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what had him so tightly wound.

He took a moment to square his shoulders and glanced briefly around the room, before delivering his message.

"We have to return Forks." It seemed all the air was sucked out of the room with a mere five words.

"Forks? Is everything alright?" Esme, ever the worrier asked with a note of alarm.

Emmett's face had gone blank and Rosalie's had hardened. I turned my questioning gaze back to Jasper and watched as he ran his hands through his hair in agitation.

"I don't know, I really don't know. Ali had a vision and it couldn't have been good, she was in so much pain..," his words trailed off a moment before picking up with renewed vigor. "All I know is that she said we had to leave for Forks, right now. It has something to do with Bella and all of our futures depend on it."

Esme's gasp seemed to set things in motion. Emmett jumped from the couch and ascended the stairs in a flash of movement. We could hear a bag being unzipped and drawers being opened and closed. I turned my attention to Esme who looked so worried. I gave a stiff nod of acceptance. Alice would not lead us astray and if we were needed in Forks - if we were needed by Bella - we had to go. I could not deny my family. And she was a part of our family.

"So that's it, huh? We wreck her life by leaving and then we just waltz right back in after a few months? This seems like a good plan to you all?" Rosalie's cold words drifted across the room, before a loud crash could be heard upstairs. I gave a gentle nod to Esme, who sped off to gather our things and no doubt check on Emmett.

"Alice has seen it, Rosalie. And we trust her. So yes, that's it."

…

There had been no further communication from Alice, aside from a single text message that arrived just as we were crossing the Alaskan border.

_I__'__ll __meet __you __at __the __house__._

It did very little to calm any of us.

The entire car ride was filled with tense silence. Esme sat ramrod straight in the passenger seat of the Mercedes, staring blankly out of the windshield. The jeep, which housed Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper, kept pace in the rear. My mind turned over every possible scenario of what might await us in Forks, none of them entirely pleasant. A seed of guilt blossomed in my stomach, knowing that regardless of what awaited us, we were part of its cause.

The scenery flashed by, any sense of moral decorum with upholding traffic laws had flown out the window with so very little information to go on. Our main concern was getting to Forks as quickly as possible. The frozen tundra of the North quickly gave way to bare trees and nearly lifeless foliage of the Pacific Northwest.

As the 'Welcome to Forks' sign whizzed by, I heard a sharp exhalation to my right. I glanced briefly over at my wife, watching as her posture relaxed and gave her a small smile. Even with the ever present 'what ifs' hanging above our heads, it felt good to be back.

The turn off to the place we once called home seemed to appear too quickly; yet not quickly enough, and I found myself gripping the steering wheel with too much force, my nerves finally making themselves known. Alice's small form could be seen hunched over the dining room table through the large windows. She seemed to have the weight of the world resting on her shoulders.

Both vehicles came to a stop and Jasper and Emmett spared no time making their way indoors, with Esme following closely behind. I fell into step with Rosalie, who seemed reserved and exceptionally distant.

I had no idea what we were walking into and it terrified me.

"Please take a seat." Alice's usually upbeat voice seemed much too somber for anyone to argue. Our disjointed family made the slow progression to our seats around the large oak table, all eyes glued to the stack of papers in Alice's hands. She had yet to make eye contact with any of us and the seed of guilt I had felt blossoming on the ride in turned into a hot piece of lead burning it's way through me.

"C'mon Alice, you're killing me here." Emmett's anxious uttering snapped me out of my own self-flagellation. We all watched as Alice took a large, yet wholly unnecessary breath, before raising her eyes to meet each of ours in turn.

The sadness in her gaze nearly caused my breath to stop. My mind started racing. Was it Bella? Had we come too late?

"I called you all back here because we don't have much time," her lilting voice carried notes of regret and I watched with growing unease as both Emmett and Esme seemed to wilt with each word. Alice shuffled the papers in her hands, averting her gaze before continuing.

"When I said this affected all of our futures, I meant it. Had I not come back when I did we would have lost absolutely everything we hold close to our hearts." Her tawny eyes drifted up to mine and I swallowed the dry lump that formed in the back of my throat.

"They both would die." Alice's words were whispered, but they echoed through my mind as if they had been screamed at the loudest decibel.

I could not break away from Alice's stare, though I could hear Esme's shuddering sob and Emmett's growl of what I believed to be anger or perhaps anguish. I felt more like stone than I ever had before.

"What do you mean, Ali?" Jasper, ever the sense of reason in chaos, asked warily.

Alice sighed and closed her eyes, finally releasing me from their depths. As she turned her attention to her mate, my eyes found Esme's hunched form, her face buried in her hands. I wanted to reach out for her and offer her comfort, but I felt much too cold and couldn't find the will to move.

"If we do nothing -," she stopped, shaking her head before continuing. "If we do nothing now, Bella will be found by Victoria. I cannot and will not repeat what I've seen; I refuse to go through it again. Once Edward receives the news, he'll go to Volterra. Eventually, his hand will be forced and he'll expose himself..." Her words trailed off for a moment, allowing us all time to digest the horrific scene her words placed in our minds.

"And that's only the tip of the iceberg." Her conclusion left us all staring at her with horrified expressions.

After an indiscriminate amount of time, Emmett asked the question we were all afraid to ask.

"Tip of the iceberg?" His normal jubilant voice, was weak and hoarse to my ears.

"Yes. It's hard to explain..." Alice's words were stilted and once again she diverted her eyes to the papers she now held in a vice grip.

"What aren't you telling us, Alice?" I finally found my voice, though it was alien to my ears. "We need to know everything. What you've seen simply cannot happen. I will not allow it."

My words were stronger than I actually felt. Alice's hesitance had me on edge. My daughter rarely stumbled when it came to following through with what she knew to be the correct path. Seeing her so reserved, almost timid - her features exhibiting such terror that she seemed to be staring impending doom straight in the eyes - quite honestly it sent a chill down my spine, settling deep within my heart.

"Bella. She wrote to us all." Looking up and seeing the confusion coloring my features, she continued.

"I know how it sounds, but it's imperative that we all understand exactly what we've done. It's the only way we can make it right, Carlisle." Her form slumped as if the weight of the knowledge she had was simply too much to shoulder by herself.

"And those papers in your hands? Are those her letters?" I asked, trying desperately to remain stoic. Alice simply nodded, trailing one finger across a page almost reverently. I swallowed the nerves that were trying to erupt, refusing to allow any fear guide my next movement.

"May I have mine, Alice?" I questioned while standing and extending my hand to receive what would likely be my ultimate condemnation.

With a deep exhalation, she made her way to my side holding out the paper. Just before I retrieved it, a fleeting smile graced her lips telling me that we were on the right path. I gave her a gentle nod, before allowing my eyes to sweep over the faces of my family - each of us understanding that this would not be easy. I allowed myself one more moment of blissful ignorance, then began reading.

...

_Carlisle,_

_I can still vividly remember the first time I saw you. I thought you were more handsome than any movie star I had ever seen. There was more to it though, your eyes held the most compassion I had ever encountered. I knew in that very moment that you were good, to your very core._

_I always held you in the highest esteem. You took the circumstances fate dealt you and made your own life - one that would impress anyone, but you did it with humility. I've never once heard you brag. I've never even glimpsed a moment of arrogance._

_You so readily accepted me into your family, showed me so much care and warmth. I never thought I'd have that._

_I guess that's why it cut so deeply when you stole it away._

_I understand of course. Edward is your son. He once called himself the prodigal, when referring to his return from his rebellion of your way of life. Never once have I questioned the love you must hold for Edward. I also understand how long you've wondered if you made the correct choice in changing him._

_I will always be of the opinion that it was the only option. A world without Edward is like a child without laughter._

_Maybe it was your guilt? Maybe you feel that you still owe Edward in some way? I've spent so many hours turning this over in my mind._

_How could you allow this to happen? At first, I believed the lies Edward spoke, my own insecurities too great to deny them. But you? You had to have known better. You had to know what he was doing to us both. And yet, you allowed it._

_Again, I get it. If given the choice, I would always choose Edward over everyone and everything else._

_I guess it just shocks me that you followed him blindly, maybe afraid that if you didn't you might lose him again, but you cut me out of the family I had come to love, so very swiftly that it still makes my head spin._

_You, Carlisle, had to have agreed. You had to have told everyone that you were leaving._

_And you, like Edward, must have thought so very little of me, if you thought I would forget. That I would simply move on. I know that most normal people my age are fickle, but I thought we had long ago come to the conclusion that I've never been normal._

_I've tossed and turned many nights, trying to visualize the conversation when Edward informed you of his plans. My mind wants to believe that you would have fought for me. That you would have tried to open his eyes to what he was doing to us all._

_My heart knows differently though._

_You did what your son wanted, because like I do now, you know the pain of losing him._

_But let me ask you, Carlisle, did you ever once think about the pain of losing me? Have you thought of me often? The silly little human girl who fell deeply in love with a coven of vampires? The fragile girl who looked at you with stars in her eyes? The one that already saw you as another father?_

_My guess is no. My guess is that you have kept Edward close to your heart and I was only thought of in connection to him._

_Quite frankly, I'm completely heartbroken, Carlisle. You let me down in a way I never expected._

_The most compassionate man I've ever known, threw me out like yesterday's garbage._

_Is that what I am to you? Garbage? Something to be cast aside and never thought of again?_

_..._

My thoughts were a turbulent cacophony of noise. I couldn't deny the truth in many of her statements and I felt such shame for it. What had I allowed to happen?

Of course I viewed Bella as a daughter. I knew that deep within my soul. But my actions spoke in direct contradiction to that fact. How had I been so blind?

Had I allowed my fear of losing Edward conquer my adoration of Bella? The remorse I felt burned through me quickly. Tiny flames licked through my whole being, raging into an inferno of self-reproach. I had done exactly what she accused me of. I had cast her aside in fear and chose not to dwell on it. I simply chalked it up to doing as Edward wished.

My composure was fading swiftly, every thought swirling through my mind like an unforgiving storm. How could I face my family, or Bella, with this new found understanding?

"What the fuck have I done?" I whispered brokenly, disgusted with myself, seeking an absolution that might never come.

...

**This update is early because I'm blown away by the love I've received. Especially with FFn being in fail. Thank you. So much. I hope this lives up to your expectations. **


	4. Letters

**For ****Amanda****, ****Nikki****, ****Annie****, ****Allie ****and ****Stef****. ****Your ****encouragement ****means ****the ****world ****to ****me ****and ****I ****love ****you ****all****. ****Thank ****you ****for ****not ****giving ****up ****hope****. ****Katie****, ****as ****always****, ****you ****are ****the ****twin ****I ****never ****knew ****I ****had****. ****Never ****leave ****me****, ****I****'****d ****be ****lost ****without ****you****. ****Sue ****and ****Andrea****, ****thank ****you ****for ****making ****my ****words ****pretty****.**

**All ****recognizable ****characters ****and ****quotes ****are ****the ****property ****of ****Stephanie ****Meyer****, ****I****'****m ****simply ****playing ****around ****with ****New ****Moon****.**

…

"This is not a letter but my arms wrapped around you for a brief moment."

-Katherine Mansfield

…

_Dear Esme,_

_I can't find the words. For the life of me, I cannot find the words to explain how I feel about you. Well, I've always been told to write what you know._

_I know this, I miss you Esme. So much._

_Even now, when I think of you, I see the mother I've always wanted: someone who wants to be a mother. Someone who'll worry for me, and love me no matter what._

_I never had that with Renee. I was the mother in our relationship. I paid the bills, cooked and cleaned and did my best to help mend her heart when she had given it away too easily._

_I used to dream that I would have the kind of relationship with you that I lacked with my mom, where we'd sit on the couch and just talk about everything. With you I felt loved, I felt welcomed - something that I never really felt before. _

_I haven't been able to stop crying over the death of that dream._

_I'm angry. Angry that it's been taken away and that I can't have it. I don't know if I'm angry at you, or at life for dangling a carrot in front of me and then taking it away. _

_I will not let myself doubt everything that happened before you left. I know what I felt was real. I have to believe that you miss me as much I miss you. I can't handle the idea that I could be wrong about that. It would kill me. _

_If I could see you one more time, I'd just want to hug you and tell you that I love you; that you've been such a great mother to me. _

_I never knew how much I would miss you if you were gone. I need a mom so badly right now. _

...

I felt ill. Completely ill.

I wanted to rush to her side, wrap her up in my arms and never let her go. What had we done to our beautiful Bella? The girl who had brought so much vibrancy into our home and hearts was merely a shell of what she once was. I could feel fractures splintering my heart into several pieces .

The need to comfort her was so visceral, I had to wrap my arms around myself to stay in place.

I had always seen Bella as the missing link. The one who would cement my family together, forever. She was - _is_- my daughter. I had never given up hope that we would all find our way back together. I wouldn't allow myself to believe any differently now.

When Alice told us that we would lose Bella and Edward, I felt as if my very essence left me. I wouldn't survive losing another child. I knew this, as I knew the sun would rise each morning.

How would we make this right?

...

_Rosalie,_

_Where do I begin?_

_I guess you finally got your wish, huh? I've found myself wondering often if you felt some dark satisfaction from my heartbreak. Granted, had I been more like you, none of this would have happened._

_You never hid anything from me, Rosalie. You've always made it obvious you never wanted me around, Rosalie. I may not have your vampiric hearing, but you've always spoken clearly and often enough, and well within even this 'weak humans' hearing. How could I miss your all too candid messages? Even though many, many times you made me feel so beneath you - I appreciate your honesty now._

_At least you didn't hide behind a lie._

_Maybe if I had your strength, I could have seen this for what it truly was. I guess I needed to figure it out on my own. The girl you knew wasn't enough for Edward - or any of you, really. I was weak. Consumed by my doubts, I second-guessed my every move._

_How could you see me as worthy, if I couldn't see it myself?_

_I was needy. I hung on to you so tight, afraid that one day you'd all wake up and see me for the weak human that I am, and then you leave and forget about me. _

_Guess the joke is on me. Hindsight truly is a bitch._

_I'm not going to lie, I had hoped that someday I would be able to look at you and show you just how wrong you were. You automatically assumed that I'd betray your family; you saw me as an intruder. I wanted to prove you wrong and wipe that smug smile off your face. I've never once doubted that Edward was my forever, Rosalie. _

_Not even now._

_I wish you could have seen that. _

_Most of all, I wish I didn't care what you thought of me. But I do, because you were a part of that forever. _

...

As I continued to glare down at the paper before me, my mind was a swirling mass of anger and fear. It was common knowledge that I had never accepted Bella's presence within my family. I had balked against her intrusion from the very moment I noticed the light appearing in Edward's eyes.

I knew the look far too well. When I first awoke to this existence, I saw it reflected in Carlisle's eyes each and every time he looked at Esme. The very same light burned in Esme's eyes. Then when I found Emmett broken and bleeding in the Appalachian mountains, I knew my own eyes must have caught the fire that burned through my heart - attaching me to this man forever.

So, when I caught on to what was occurring, I tried so desperately to stop it. Not because I'm heartless, not because I wanted my brother to be miserable, but because I couldn't fathom that happening to a seventeen year old girl who had her whole life ahead of her.

Then, when Bella simply accepted it, relished in it even, I became angry. It felt like she romanticized our existence far too much for my liking. This silly girl was ready to give away the one thing I craved more than anything else in the world : her humanity, for some ridiculous notion of a fairy-tale. It disgusted me. So much so that I could hardly even look her in the eye.

I expelled a harsh breath through my nose, trying to calm myself. On Bella's birthday, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be in her presence, but Emmett had begged and pleaded for me to come with him. A small smile fought to cross my lips, but I forcefully shook it away. My Emmett adored the stupid little human. She reminded him so much of a sister he lost to this life and he felt that Bella was meant to come to us. He was confident in his certainty that she would end up being important to each of us, for our own reasons.

So, that night in September, I kept my distance - simply watching my family interact and celebrate this anomaly that was Bella. My heart sunk into my stomach as I watched her eyes dance across Edward's face, and that godforsaken light was shining brightly. She never had a chance.

After the events of that evening - something I had said would eventually happen, but of course no one listened to me - I knew, I just knew Edward would end up doing something incredibly asinine. He had always had such a flair for the dramatic.

I can clearly recall berating Edward after he saved Bella from the car accident. I had tried to instill fear - Bella was human after all, did he really want to chance the heartbreak that would certainly come once she decided she didn't love him?

I never once thought I should have feared for Bella's heart instead.

When I heard of Edward's plan, as happy as I was that someone _finally_ saw my side of the whole debacle, I couldn't shake this feeling of horror. I could never abandon Emmett, regardless of any circumstance. It would kill everything that held any semblance of meaning to me, the whole world would dull and wash away. Leaving nothing for me but pain and never ending heartache.

After our departure from Forks, I had tried to act as if nothing had ever happened, hoping that it would help Edward in some way. But as I watched my brother crumble more and more each day, I knew things would never be the same.

I hated Bella Swan in that moment.

I let my eyes dance over her words once more and shook my head, a fluttering making itself known in the pit of my stomach. Tiny butterflies seemed to be nudging me, the sour feeling of shame making itself known.

I never allowed myself to see everything from her point of view, the stupid human that I so readily despised loved all of us without question. We were all so blinded with our own need to protect ourselves, or Edward, that we simply overlooked the one person who needed protection the most.

We had broken Bella, completely. Each of us, with our actions. I wasn't sure if there was any way to remedy it.

One thing was certain, however. I had respect for the girl now that had never been there before. I could only hope that with whatever outcome we achieved, she could find the same respect for herself.

…

_Emmett - my brother bear._

_God, how I miss you. I miss the laughter that followed you wherever you would go. I miss your dimples. I miss your smile._

_From the start, I had felt I found the brother I always wanted in you. An older brother who would protect me, no matter how annoying that would be. A brother who would tease me mercilessly, as brothers are meant to do. Thinking about it makes me smile._

_You never failed to make me smile. It was my favorite thing about you._

_I wish you were here now. I feel closer to you than the others in some ways - like you just get me, ya know?_

_When Rosalie found you, the first time you saw her, you had to have known that your life was changed forever. Well, that's exactly how I feel about the first time I met all of you. Edward was like the sun, filling me with warmth and love. You all were the stars, giving me hope that it could all be real._

_The world seems so dark without all of you here; grey and drab. I need you all here with me. I need you all because I love you._

_Did you fight him, Emmett? Out of everyone, I could see you fighting this decision the most, with Alice right behind you. Did you try to make him see what he was doing? Have you forgiven him?_

_If you have, can you tell me how to find that forgiveness?_

…

I wanted to strangle Edward.

Yes, I had fought the son of a bitch. I tried to tell him what he was leaving behind, but he stood firm; all high and mighty that he was doing what was best for Bella.

I might have thrown him through a tree.

All I could imagine was Bella, so tiny and frail, yet so strong and full of life, wasting away .

It took all of me to keep my composure in front of my family. I let my eyes drift around the table, everyone intently reading their own letters. After Carlisle dropped the f-bomb, which was shocking enough, he just kind of slumped into his seat and buried his face in his hands, refusing to meet any of our stares.

I wasn't so sure I wanted to see what Bella had written me. I mean, if it could make Daddy C. say fuck, that shit just had to be bad.

In all seriousness, I loved Bella. She reminded me so much of my own sister, Anna. The hair and eyes were almost identical, but what caught me so off guard was how similar their personalities were.

From the moment I realized what this small human girl meant to Edward, I wanted to protect her. She was my sister from that moment on. I couldn't handle losing another.

Then Edward just left her.

Had I forgiven him? I wasn't sure. He said leaving Bella was what was best for her, but I still think he did it because _he_ was scared. I don't think _he_ had enough faith in her.

I was certain about one thing though, I wouldn't let him to do this to her again. If he wanted her, he had to prove it this time.

I _am_ the big brother after all.

…

_Dear Jasper,_

_I've worried myself sick wondering about you. I can only imagine the guilt you feel. You should know better, Jasper. I never blamed you, not for one second. You still struggle living the way you do now, and I didn't make it any easier for you being so careless and slicing my finger open the way I did._

_How could you not be tempted?_

_Not only that, but if you hadn't taken off so quickly, you would have seen that the only person that could stay with me, after the fall, was Carlisle. It was too much for all of them, Jasper. You have to let go of the guilt I know you're carrying._

_Honestly, Jasper, how could you believe for one moment that I blamed you? You were always so careful with me, keeping your distance just in case, but always there in the background. We may not have been very close, but I think we may have gotten there at some point._

_I think, if could see you right now, I would want to slap and hug you, at the same time._

_I don't know how else to put this. You're Alice's soul mate, Jasper. How could that be, if you weren't an amazing person as well? Alice deserves nothing but the best, you and I both know this, so how could you be anything less than wonderful, if you're her missing piece?_

_Let it go, Jasper. I don't blame you and I forgive you, even though there's nothing to forgive._

…

I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. How could Bella forgive something so horrible, so easily. How could she say there was nothing to forgive?

I very nearly drained her. Had it not been for Edward, catching on a second before I made my move, or Emmett's strength, I would have.

I shook my head at her audacity. Alice had always told me that Bella was special, but I was starting to wonder if it was simple stupidity. I had to fight back a chuckle at that thought. I knew Bella wasn't a simpleton, but I felt that I needed something to refute her words. I felt a tiny foot brush my leg and glanced over to see one perfectly arched brow, and a soft smile on Alice's face. Of course she would know what Bella had written me - not only that, they shared the same opinion.

I looked up and around the table, the emotions swirling around us all were nearly visible. So much guilt, shame and heartache. I debated trying to soothe everyone for a moment, before I realized that wouldn't help.

In fact, that was part of the problem.

Our family had always protected each other, regardless of any situation. This time however, it seemed that what we thought was protection had actually been destruction. I couldn't shake the feeling that we had all been so absorbed in our own torment, that we had completely disregarded Bella's. I felt ashamed and remorseful - knowing Bella's emotions almost as well she did herself - that I had been so wrapped up in my own devastation, I never once tried to tell Edward just how much this would hurt her.

Bella's love mirrored what we each felt for our mates. One of the reasons I always stayed close, but not too close, had been because her emotions were warm and vivid. I felt drawn to her happiness and, when paired with Edward's, I was basking in divine rapture. I closed my eyes remembering when Edward left to hunt for Victoria; his anguish had been palpable and I had to excuse myself from everyone. It was simply too much too handle.

Thinking of Bella, all alone, dealing with the same pain - I winced. There had to be a way to make it right.

I looked to Alice who was watching me, most likely feeling my frustration over the situation.

"Ali, what do we do?" I asked, hoping she already knew the answer. She gave me a small sardonic smile and shook her head.

"The only thing we can, Jazz. We have to prove ourselves to her; prove how sorry we are. And hope that it's enough."

...

**Good, bad, ugly?**


	5. Truths

**For ****Amanda****, ****Nikki****, ****Annie****, ****Allie ****and ****Stef****. ****Your ****encouragement ****means ****the ****world ****to ****me ****and ****I ****love ****you ****all****. ****Thank ****you ****for ****not ****giving ****up ****hope****. ****Katie****, ****as ****always****, ****you ****are ****the ****twin ****I ****never ****knew ****I ****had****. ****Never ****leave ****me****, ****I****'****d ****be ****lost ****without ****you**** - ****no ****one ****else ****can ****decipher ****my ****crazy****. ****Sue ****and ****Andrea****, ****thank ****you ****for ****making ****my ****words ****pretty****.**

**All ****recognizable ****characters ****and ****quotes ****are ****the ****property ****of ****Stephanie ****Meyer****, ****I****'****m ****simply ****playing ****around ****with ****New ****Moon****.**

…

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."

- Galileo Galilei

...

Sleep did not come easy. I kept thinking that if I actually allowed myself to fall into a peaceful slumber that , when I awoke, all of it would be a soul-crushing dream. Instead, I forced myself to relive every moment of Alice's brief visit.

Alice had explained that it was imperative that her whole family read the letters. I tried to question why, I mean, it was really only something to help me process my own grief, but she steadfastly refused to tell me.

"No, Bella. You'll find out when the time is right, that I promise, but not one second before," she had said.

It pissed me off. What was it with these vampires? I mean, I wasn't a child. Far from it, actually. When I expressed my anger and practically demanded that she tell me, Alice had only shaken her head and, with a remorseful look, told me that it wasn't time. After a long, tense silence I had acquiesced with the promise that she _would_ tell me later, no ifs, ands or buts.

Things felt stilted, awkward even, and Alice kept staring at me with the saddest look in her tawny eyes. I couldn't decide if I was uncomfortable with her presence, or if it was that we both knew we would eventually have to deal with the situation we were in, and that things might never be the same again.

After asking me to print out the letters, Alice hugged me timidly, whispering how much she had missed me. She said to expect her sometime in the afternoon and, with a final beseeching look, she left the way she came.

I sighed heavily, trying and failing once more to sort out my turbulent emotions. I was thrilled to see Alice, truly I was, but I was still so hurt and there had yet to be any real explanations. My eyes blinked blearily up at the ceiling as I contemplated getting up. I was exhausted, but also knew that there would be no real rest achieved, so I slowly began to start my day.

…

The shower woke me up a little and helped to relieve some of the tension in my shoulders, but I still felt heavy. The oppressive cloud of depression that had been following me around since September was still ever-present. I knew the only thing that would move it would be for the light to return to my life. Alice may have returned, but that didn't mean that Edward would. My stomach rolled and my heart recoiled with that thought.

I made my way down the stairs sluggishly. I just couldn't force myself to move any faster. Charlie was sitting in his usual chair with his paper and coffee when I walked into the kitchen. He glanced up briefly before continuing to read and I made my way to the cupboard to get a mug for myself. After adding several heaping teaspoons of sugar and a bit of cream, I sat down at the opposite end of the table and lost myself in the milky depths of my warm beverage.

"You're really not going to eat anything, Bells?" Charlie's words were softly spoken, but I could detect the worry behind them.

"Sorry, Dad. It was a long night and I just can't stomach anything more than this," I said motioning to the coffee.

His eyebrows furrowed and his mustache twitched, something that had always amused me as a child.

"I thought the nightmares had gotten better, Bells?" Charlie put the paper down and levelled me with a searching look. I knew he was worried and I couldn't blame him after watching me act like a zombie for months.

"No, they are. It's just..." I faltered as I realized I couldn't exactly tell Charlie that Alice Cullen had climbed through my window last night. I bit my lip thinking but, before I could come up with an answer, Charlie pounced.

"It's just what, Bella? You've been a shell of yourself for months and I thought when the nightmares stopped that maybe my Bella would come back around, but you're still...gone. So what's going on?" His eyes were almost pleading for me to just talk to him, something completely odd for the pair of us, and I just couldn't deny him anymore.

"Alice called me last night," I whispered to my coffee.

Silence. Complete, total silence. If I didn't know that Charlie was sitting directly across from me, I would have thought I was completely alone in the house. There were no breaths, no movements - everything was completely still.

Until it wasn't.

"Alice Cullen?" He questioned, too evenly.

"Yeah, Dad. How many Alices do we know?" I retorted sarcastically.

"What did she want?" Charlie's face was blank, most likely trying to gauge how all of this was affecting me.

"She asked if we could get together this afternoon," I mumbled the words, uncomfortable with his questioning and the impending visit.

"_Are_ _they_ _back_?" Charlie blanched a bit, clearly as struck by the idea as I was.

"I honestly don't know, Dad. I just know that she'll be by this afternoon." I said, taking a sip of my drink.

"Well, it's a good thing it's my day off then," he stated gruffly, picking his paper back up and effectively ending the conversation.

I couldn't help but think that this day just couldn't get _any_ better.

...

As the morning wore on, my nerves grew exponentially. I busied myself with cleaning the house while listening to music at a nearly punishing decibel. I scrubbed counters and tiles until my hands were raw, and the fumes from the cleaning agents made my head swim. Charlie would check on me every so often, most likely worried about how the impending visit was affecting me.

Just before noon, I decided to take another shower. My shirt was soaked with sweat and my hair looked like I'd been caught in a hurricane. I took my time with the second shower, allowing the warmth to seep into my skin and the soft perfumes of the soaps to calm me. Afterwards, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror.

My skin was a rosy color from the hot water; but beneath that, it had taken on a chalky pallor. My eyes seemed dull and my cheeks were much more prominent than they had been. I leaned closer, taking note of each change. No wonder Charlie had been so concerned about me. I looked like a ghost.

Expelling a harsh breath, my chest tightened and I had to avert my gaze from the mirror. I tied my still damp hair up. I couldn't be bothered with more than a Henley, sweats and pulling my hair into a messy bun. A n almost smile tickled my lips as I thought about Alice's horror in my clothing choice, but it was quickly wiped away by the ever-present ache in my heart.

Giving up on trying to find anything else to distract me, I laid back on my bed, allowing myself to finally succumb to the nerves and worry that had followed my every move throughout the morning.

The doorbell woke me. I sat up too quickly, causing my head to spin, and looked at the clock. It was two o'clock exactly. My stomach lurched uncomfortably as I heard Charlie making his way to the door. I stood shakily from the bed and swallowed, unsure about absolutely everything. I crossed the room slowly. My emotions wouldn't settle; they flipped quickly between nervous, excited and terrified.

My feet froze on the top of the landing as Charlie opened the door, and I found myself closing my eyes.

"Hello, Alice. Mrs. Cullen," I heard Charlie mumble uncomfortably and my brow furrowed as my eyes snapped open.

"Please, Chief Swan, call me Esme."

…

To say the atmosphere around the kitchen table was tense would be a dramatic understatement. Charlie and I sat across from each other, with Alice and Esme in between us. I found myself continuously shooting furtive glances in Alice's direction, but she continued to give Charlie and Esme her undivided attention.

"So, how's California?" Charlie questioned, glancing between the two.

Alice simply sighed, but Esme turned her attention to me as she answered.

"It doesn't suit us. It's not home." I felt the dry prickle of tears tease my eyes and blinked several times in rapid succession to keep myself from crying.

"Oh," was his reply. Esme kept her eyes trained on me and swallowed thickly.

"None of us have taken well to the change, really. The old saying seems to be true: Home is where the heart is. Our heart is right here." She managed a shaky smile in my direction before turning her attention back to Charlie.

"We're hoping that we'll be able to return, if everything works out," she finished, while smoothing her blouse and clearing her throat.

"Well," Charlie began gruffly, "I'm sure the hospital would love to have Doctor Cullen back. But, uh," he cleared his throat, clearly uneasy. "What about the kids? School?"

We all knew which 'kid' he was really asking about, and it took all my strength to not run from the room.

"Well, we've all been tying up loose ends, and hopefully everyone will be here sometime tomorrow evening." Alice finally chimed in, glancing at me briefly, her words sinking into my mind and dropping straight to my stomach.

"Everyone?" I whispered, as Charlie clenched his jaw.

"Yes." Alice affirmed, sadness coloring her tone as she glanced between myself and Charlie. "We all missed home so much. Really, we've just been _miserable_ in California."

I sat stupidly, blinking at this news. Charlie, however, reacted a little differently.

"_You__'__ve __been __miserable__, _Alice?" he nearly scoffed. "Let me tell to you about miserable. My daughter has been a shell for months since you all left without a word. Do you even _know_ how I found her?" he demanded, directing his attention to Esme.

"Dad, _please__.." _I croaked. He held up a hand in my direction and continued on as if I hadn't spoken.

"For hours I didn't know where she was, or if she was okay. All I had to go on was a note that said she went for a short walk with Edward - in the woods - behind the house. But then she didn't come home, and I found out you'd all left town. I was scared to death." His face was blotchy and his voice was harsh and full of emotion. "We searched for hours, Esme. It started raining, got dark and all I could think about was my baby girl, out there by herself - scared, hurt, _dead__?_And then...when we found her..." his voice cracked, and the tears I had been battling, finally won.

"When I got her back in my arms, where she was safe, all she could say - all she _would _say was '_he__'__s __gone__.'_" I stared down at the scuffed wood of the tabletop, unable to keep seeing the uncharacteristic glare Charlie had fixed on Esme. It wasn't her fault. "Then the doctor was saying things like catatonic and it was like my world stopped. I saw a part of my daughter die that day and it was your son's fault." He finally finished, nearly snarling his words by the end. I glanced up from underneath my lashes to see Alice in nearly the same position as myself, and Esme staring Charlie down with a clenched jaw and fire burning in her eyes.

"Charlie, I understand your anger. I understand your pain. Believe me I do." Her voice was calm, not much different from a snake charmer's. The hypnotic effect made me sit up and take notice, but Alice remained hunched over, her eyes tightened around the edges. "I cannot, and will not ever be able to apologize to Bella or you enough for our abrupt departure. My heart breaks for Bella." She glanced at me then, seeming concerned and so sad, before turning back to Charlie and staring him down once more.

"But you seem to be under the impression that this was _easy_ for my son to do. It seems like you think our lives were blissful and carefree once we left, and I can assure you that _nothing_ is further from the truth." She finally dropped her heated stare, her angry mask crumbling into a face of pure anguish.

"I have never seen Edward as broken as he was the day we left Forks. It was like every ounce of hope he held had escaped his grip, leaving him with nothing. He didn't even try to hide it. He hasn't spoken to me in over a month." She whispered so sadly, it made my heart lurch. I wanted to deny Edward's pain, I wanted to scream that it was all his fault, but looking at Esme and Alice's crushed expressions, all I could do was silently cry for all the pain this had caused.

"There is no joy in my household, Charlie. All of my children are suffering. Edward the most. Then I see Bella, his mirror image..." her words broke off into such a sudden and powerful sob, that it made me jerk forward in my seat. She took a moment to regain her composure before finishing her statement.

"All I want to do is fix it, Charlie. I want, so badly, to make everything better, but I don't know how, and it's my job to fix things.."

Charlie looked ashamed and I wiped furiously at my eyes, trying to clear away the evidence of my tears. It was beginning to dawn on me that perhaps I hadn't seen all sides fairly. I knew my pain. I had finally figured out that Edward lied. Was it such a stretch to think that it would affect him just as greatly, if not more so, than it did myself? And then, much like Charlie had to witness my breakdown and how much it tore at him, would it not be the same for all the Cullens? I closed my eyes as I shook my head slowly. It was too much to process.

"Dad, could you give me some time to talk to Alice and Esme alone?" I finally asked, hoping that with the understanding he now had, his anger had subsided enough to trust the three of us to be alone. He didn't say anything, only nodded, casting apologetic glances in Alice and Esme's direction before making his way into the living room, and turning on the television .

I bit down on my bottom lip, letting my eyes dance between Esme and Alice. They were both looking at me like I knew what to say, or something. I felt awkward and unsure, and started second guessing my decision to ask Charlie to leave.

"So...uh...everyone will be here tomorrow?" I mumbled to the table, uncomfortable with their staring.

"Well, yes. The majority of us are already here...but _everyone_ will be here tomorrow." I didn't know why Alice felt the need to stress the word; I knew exactly who she was referring to.

"So, Edward will be here tomorrow." I stated, finally meeting her wary gaze. "Well, that's...something." I tried to seem aloof, but my traitorous pulse hammered away, mocking me.

"We had hoped to spend some time with you before he arrived, dear, the family, that is." Esme's voice was soft and soothing, but I still found myself staring at her in horror. I just wasn't sure if I was ready for that.

"W-why?" I stuttered, trying desperately to think of a way out.

"It may surprise you, Bella, but we did miss you. We missed you horribly." Her soft words sparked a flame of anger, but I beat it down.

"I'm just not sure that I'm ready for that, Esme." I shook my head, still trying to come to terms with their sudden return. My thoughts drifted to Edward and though my pulse spiked, I couldn't wrap my head around it. Why would he be coming back? Something didn't add up.

"They've read the letters, Bella," Alice's voice floated through my mind and all other thoughts dispersed. I swear I could feel the blood draining from my face as my stomach flipped uncomfortably. I turned to face Alice, watching as she checked her phone quickly before meeting my gaze.

"And you want me to face everyone, now?" I whispered harshly. I didn't know if I could face them now. I knew I needed to tell them how they had made me feel, but the idea of knowing how much or little it affected them made me feel queasy.

"Yes. I want you to come with us and see everyone, Bella. It needs to happen." Her tone was confident and her posture nearly dared me to challenge her.

It pissed me off.

"And why does it _need to happen_, Alice? You do that all the time, you know? You say it needs to happen, but then you stop there." I held her gaze and watched with some enjoyment as her eyes narrowed minutely and her jaw clenched.

"How about this? You tell me why it needs to happen, and, if I agree, I'll go. If I don't agree," I shrugged, "too bad." I felt a small smirk of self-satisfaction play at the corner of my lips. It felt good. Alice stared me down for what seemed like ages, before the annoying buzz of her cellphone broke her concentration. She looked at the device for a moment, before returning to me.

"Okay, Bella," her voice was tired, "if we don't do this, if we don't follow this path precisely, you and Edward will die. And I won't survive losing you." My breath stopped as my heart skipped several beats.

"Is that enough of a reason?" she asked, as her face hardened. My head was spinning as I tried to digest what she said. I heard a short, hoarse sob come from my right. Without thinking I reached over and took Esme's hand, which she in turn, squeezed gently. I glanced at her briefly; her expression was a mixture of devastation and hope.

Alice's question kept echoing through my mind, and I swallowed hard. Was it enough of a reason?

"Yeah. It is," I croaked. Nodding more to myself than anyone else, I turned my attention back to Alice. "Of course it is and I'll go, but you have to tell me everything. No more waiting." She nodded once, glancing back at her cellphone.

"Let's go then. Time's running out."

...

**Watch out, someone is making their debut next chapter. **

**While I have your attention, I must plead for you to go read _The Muse in the Attic _by the ever fabulous _HideMyHead, _also known as my Katie - without whom, I'd go crazy.**

**The summary: **"Hush, little baby don't say a word. Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird, and if that mockingbird won't sing, Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring." A lullaby and an antique chest. Just what is the history of Bella's new house? Rated M for horror scenes.

**Give her a little love and help her realize her talent, just like she does for me on a daily basis, and I'll love you forever. **


	6. Insanity

**For ****Amanda****, ****Nikki****, ****Annie****, ****Allie ****and ****Stef****. ****I****'****ll ****never ****be ****able ****to ****thank ****you ****girls ****enough ****for ****your ****support****. ****Katie****, ****as ****always****, ****you ****are ****the ****twin ****I ****never ****knew ****I ****had****. ****Never ****leave ****me****, ****I****'****d ****be ****lost ****without ****you****. ****No ****one ****else ****can ****decipher ****my ****crazy****. ****Sue ****and ****Amber****, ****thank ****you ****for ****making ****my ****words ****look ****pretty****.**

**All ****recognizable ****characters ****and ****quotes ****are ****the ****property ****of ****Stephenie ****Meyer****. **

**Yes****. ****This ****chapter ****is ****short****. ****And****...****a ****little ****mean****, ****I ****know****. ****I****'****m ****hacking ****away ****at ****my ****keyboard ****as ****we ****speak****, ****trying ****to ****bring ****you ****chapter ****seven ****as ****quickly ****as ****possible****. ****Take ****it ****easy ****on ****me****, ****I****'****m ****planning ****my ****wedding****, ****it****'****s ****the ****thirtieth ****of ****this ****month ****and ****I****'****m ****a ****bit ****frazzled****. ****But ****I ****love ****you ****all****, ****and ****couldn****'****t ****keep ****you ****waiting ****any ****longer****. ****x****3**

**...**

"Well, love is insanity. The ancient Greeks knew that. It is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can't even think straight."

-Marilyn French

...

"_Bella__, __I __don__'__t __want __you __to __come __with __me__." _I stared at the dust covered wooden planks of the attic floor. The words were never-ending. It would never get easier.

"_You__... __don__'__t__... __want __me__?" _Her puzzlement would have been funny in any other scenario. The way her eyes flitted back and forth, trying to make sense of my words - my stomach turned.

"_No__." _The final nail in the coffin, as people say. My body began rocking in a soothing manner, trying to quell the raging emotions before they burst forth. It never worked.

Her gorgeous eyes that encompassed my soul, stared into mine. She was searching for something. I knew the feeling well. With Bella, I felt like I was always searching for the hidden meaning of her words.

"_Well__, __that __changes __things__." _My hands found themselves tangled in my hair, tugging roughly. The rocking increased. How could she believe me so easily? My mind had been in over drive, thinking of a million rebuttals. It had frozen - I had frozen - when she so readily accepted my lie.

Small whimpers resonated around the small space. It took several moments before I realized I was the one making the sound. The lies came easier after her acceptance. I had been on auto-pilot, trying to survive minute to minute.

"_Wait__!" _That one word was so forceful, so powerful, that I almost succumbed to her demand. As it were, I couldn't deny myself the gift of pressing my lips against her warm, smooth skin once more. I had forced myself to run as fast as I could away from her, knowing that if I faltered for more than a moment, I'd be unable to leave.

Each step away from her burned through me now, just as it did then. I found myself laying on my side, my arms wound tightly around my center. I couldn't tell if I was trying to keep myself together - or restraining myself from running back to her side and begging for her forgiveness.

A fat rat skittered along the wall and I let my eyes close, wishing more than anything else for an end to my torment.

…

The next time my eyes opened, light filtered through the cracks in the attic floor. Tiny dust particles danced on the air; voices and thoughts mingled around me. I didn't try to distinguish between the two. I had no interest in other's worries or happiness.

The acrid smell of bacon grease hung in the air so I assumed it was morning. My stomach rolled and pinched. I despised that smell. It meant time was moving on.

I rolled to my other side and stared, my eyes not seeing the dark wood. Perhaps if I ignored it, time wouldn't seem so painful.

Wishful thinking.

…

The light faded.

My body ached.

Her face was there again.

Words.

Hell would be more accepting than the torture I was trapped in.

I closed my eyes. It was my fault. I deserved this pain.

…

Numb. I just wanted to be numb.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I didn't care. I didn't deserve their concern. I let my eyes follow a spider enjoying it's meal.

I couldn't remember the last time I hunted.

Sounds of life filtered through my haze. Car horns and endless chatter. Another day had begun.

…

The phone felt heavy in my pocket. Truthfully, they knew I wouldn't return their calls, but it didn't stop them from leaving messages. Sometimes they called only to say hello. Sometimes to beg for my return. Alice had left a number of angry messages when I first left, but had seemed to give up on me completely after a while.

I finally sat up, my back against the filthy wall. I pulled the silver device out of my pocket and turned it in my hands. I'd lost count of how many times I pondered just calling her number - only to hear her voice, of course. I'd gone so far as to dial it on a number of occasions, but never actually placed the call.

One new message blinked on the screen.

Maybe later.

…

One new message.

One new message.

One new message.

I couldn't ignore the damn thing, I wished I could. I flipped the phone open to see which family member was pestering me now.

Alice.

My brow furrowed. Why would she call? I hadn't heard from her in weeks, possibly months...I couldn't remember how long I'd been gone. I felt a prickle against my ribs. I dialed my voicemail without conscious thought.

"Edward. Come home now. It's Bella."

Blink. Repeat.

"Edward. Come home now. It's Bella."

Dry swallow. Repeat.

"Edward. Come home now. It's Bella."

No, no, no, no. Why was her voice breaking on Bella's name? Why was she calling about Bella at all? Bella was safe. I left Bella to keep her safe.

Bella _had_ to be safe.

My fingers flew across the keypad without any hesitation. Somehow I was on my feet, pacing the length of the small space.

"Hello, you've reached Alice. You know what to do."

"Not now, Alice." I whimpered into the phone before redialing quickly.

"Hello, you've reached Alice. You know what to do."

"No." I growled. Why wasn't she answering?

"Hello, you've reached Al-" my phone was dust in my hand.

I couldn't catch my breath, my mind was swirling with a thousand thoughts. Why had Alice not answered? What was wrong with Bella?

What had I done?

In a flash, I was out of the attic and following the alleyways closely, sticking to the shadows. The early morning sun was bright, but cloud cover was moving in. I didn't care, I had to go.

_What __had __I __done__?_

I swallowed thickly and shook my head.

She was okay. _She __had __to __be __okay__. _And if for any reason she wasn't...

I would no longer exist.

**...**

**Yeah... *goes back to hacking away at the keyboard***


	7. Revelation

**For ****Amanda****, ****Allie****, ****Nikki****, ****Annie ****and ****Stef****. ****Your ****encouragement ****means ****the ****world ****to ****me ****and ****I ****love ****you ****all****. ****Thank ****you ****for ****not ****giving ****up ****on ****me****. ****Katie****, ****as ****always ****you ****are ****the ****twin ****I ****never ****knew ****I ****had****. ****Never ****leave ****me****, ****I****'****d ****be ****lost ****without ****you**** - ****no ****one ****else ****can ****decipher ****my ****crazy****. ****Also****, ****I ****hope ****you ****feel ****better ****girl****. ****Sue ****and ****Andrea****, ****thank ****you ****for ****making ****my ****words ****look ****pretty****.**

**All ****recognizable ****quotes ****and ****characters ****are ****the ****property ****of ****Stephenie ****Meyer****. ****I****'****m ****just ****playing ****around ****with ****New ****Moon****.**

**I ****found ****out ****this ****weekend ****that ****someone ****nominated ****this ****story ****for ****not ****one****, ****but ****two ****Sunflower ****Awards****. ****I ****can ****not ****express ****the ****gratitude ****and ****overwhelming ****amazement ****I ****felt ****when ****I ****saw ****this ****story ****and ****my ****name ****in ****the ****categories ****Best ****Angst ****Story and ****Best ****Vampire ****Story****. ****I ****am ****truly****, ****truly ****honored****. ****Voting ****won****'****t ****open ****until ****May****, ****but ****I ****could ****honestly ****care ****less ****if ****I ****win****. ****The ****nomination ****itself ****means ****the ****world ****to ****me****. ****Thank ****you****, ****whoever ****you ****are****, ****from ****the ****bottom ****of ****my ****heart****. ****You have****made ****me ****feel ****so ****very ****special****. If you want to check out all the nominations, go to: http:/thesunflowerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/nominations_21(dot)html **

...

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present."

- Barbara De Angelis

...

The drive was awkward, very tense and quiet. Esme kept checking on me every few seconds, almost like she was afraid I'd bail out of the car at any moment while Alice kept her full attention on the road. No one spoke and the oxygen in the car seemed to be in limited supply. I felt trapped.

The whole scenario was aggravating and put me on edge. Going back to the place where the nightmare began wasn't exactly comforting either. I didn't know what to expect, what I was walking into.

I kept my eyes on the nearly lifeless foliage, my stomach tightening with nerves as we neared the turn-off. I had no idea what to say to everyone. Walking in with a _'__Hey__, __guys__. __Long __time __no __see__!' _wouldn't work. I chewed on my bottom lip as the house got closer and closer.

"Bella?" I glanced up to see Alice eyeing me in the rear view mirror, "It's going to be fine, you'll see." Her small but confident smile didn't bring any comfort, so I grimaced with a nod to let her know that I heard her. Gravel crunched under the tires as we came to a stop and my lungs started to ache. Confused by the sudden pain, I glanced down and noticed the rapid rise and fall of my chest.

I didn't want to be here. It was too soon and there was too much to process. My muscles felt tightly coiled; I was ready to run. The only problem was I had no where to go and I would most certainly be caught. My eyes darted between the car door and the front door several times. The distance seemed to close in on me with each pass. I didn't feel ready, but as Esme and Alice made their way from the car, it suddenly dawned on me that my time was up.

Alice damn near skipped into the house, while Esme paused a few feet from the car and watched me with a sad look. My hand shook uncontrollably as I raised it to the handle and I had to swallow back a sudden wave of nausea. I shook my head forcefully; now wasn't the time to be weak. With a deep breath, I pushed the door open and made my way out of the car.

My steps were shaky and slow, but Esme kept by my side. I couldn't tell if it was motherly concern or pity, but either way it chafed at my exposed nerves. I felt like a prisoner being lead to the gallows, my footsteps echoing heavily in my ears. What once felt like a second home now seemed foreign and frightening. Instead of experiencing the warmth and security the house symbolized at one time, I felt cold walking through the front door.

My eyes scanned the interior of the house quickly, I expected to see drastic changes, but there were none. Everything looked exactly as it had any other time I had visited the family. It was like _nothing _had changed, but in reality _everything _had. The ever-present ache in my chest resonated through my bones. Esme patted my arm, breaking me out of my trance.

"Are you all right, dear?"

I stood awkwardly, shuffling from foot to foot. "Where is everyone?"

She stared at me for a moment before smiling and making her way toward the living room. I kept my eyes on my feet as I followed her; a mixture of nerves, dread and residual anger brewing in my belly.

"Bella, it's so good to see you. Please make yourself comfortable." Carlisle's tone was warm and welcoming, but his eyes were tight with some strange emotion. I felt like I had walked into an alternate universe where the last two months hadn't happened, aside from the gaping hole inside my chest where my heart used to be. Once again, things felt forced and fake; everyone silently playing their role. I felt hollow, my raging emotions bouncing around inside me.

"Yeah. Okay," I whispered more to myself than to Carlisle. I wasn't sure where I was expected to sit, all I knew was that I didn't feel like sitting too close to anyone. Their behavior was already rubbing me the wrong way.

The deceptive quiet was interrupted abruptly, startling me into looking up at the culprit.

"Bella!" Emmett's booming voice nearly brought tears to my eyes as he rushed forward, before stopping a few feet from me with a look of confused anguish. I swallowed thickly, understanding washing over me. Any other time, I would already be wrapped up in a hug that would steal my breath, but the rift between us was too much to allow such a welcome. Instead, we stood face to face in awkward silence until I couldn't handle it any longer.

"Hey, Em," I mumbled, averting my eyes from his and looking around the room. Esme had made her way to Carlisle's side while my attention had been on Emmett. Alice was smiling brightly at me from her perch on the love seat's armrest with Jasper standing just behind her leaning against the wall. As I continued my perusal, I bit down on my lower lip hard. I felt like I was under a spotlight and it unnerved me. I found Rosalie on the far side of the room in one of the over-sized chairs looking at me curiously, and I felt a prickle run up my spine. Something in her stare didn't sit right with me.

"You look at little pale, dear. Would you like something to drink? Maybe something to eat?" Esme asked. Her smile was gentle, but I couldn't understand why she would offer me refreshments at a time like this. Why the fuck would I want something to eat?

"No. I'm fine. Thanks," I muttered, twisting my hands together nervously.

I didn't know what I was expected to say. It wasn't as if I was going to fall into their arms like the last months hadn't happened, but we couldn't stand around staring at each other all day either. I turned my attention back to Carlisle, looking for something. An apology? Anger, maybe? I felt like anything would be better than the silence we found ourselves in.

He smiled slightly at me before sitting down across the room. I scrutinized his eyes more closely. After a moment, I could name the emotion I had seen earlier. It was guilt. I clenched my jaw as my pulse pounded behind my eyes. He felt guilty and yet he wasn't acting on it in any way.

"Now that we're all here, maybe we could catch up a bit?" Alice offered, her voice tinkling in what seemed to be a happy tone. Again, when I gave her my attention, I could see the tension in her back and the tightness around her eyes. I took several deep breaths, feeling something boiling beneath the surface. I wasn't sure if it was anger or anguish, so I tried to bury it.

More quickly than I should have been able, I felt much better. Calm and relaxed. As soon as I noticed the change, my eyes snapped to Jasper, who was watching me curiously.

"Stop."

His eyes widened at my forceful tone before he lowered his gaze, mumbling an apology.

"Bella." I glanced back to Alice, seeing anger in the set of her lips. "He was only trying to help," she admonished.

"I know. But I don't want his help, Alice." I replied calmly, staring her down. I could feel the turmoil churning again and just needed a few moments to calm myself. I knew I could do it; there had been no help available in the last two months, I didn't need it now.

"You're making this harder than you need to," she mumbled, with a sad shake of her head. I squeezed my eyes closed and took a deep breath. I heard movement to my left and snuck a peek. Rosalie had leaned forward, watching me with a look of curiosity. I felt a pucker form between my eyebrows as I looked around the room again. Carlisle seemed to be lost in thought, as Esme watched me with concern. Emmett seemed to be surveying the room, much like I was.

Jasper was still looking at the floor and Alice was staring me down, her expression a mixture of frustration and sadness.

What the _fuck_?

"_I__'__m_ making this harder than it needs to be?" The acid in my voice startled her. "_Me_? Really, Alice? I'm _so _sorry if I'm making this hard on you." I closed my eyes while I rubbed my pounding temples. "I didn't know what to expect coming here, but I sure as hell didn't expect some _show__."_

I raised my eyes and motioned to Carlisle, who was now watching me warily.

"You're all trying to act like everything is okay. _Nothing_ is okay. You all hurt me and I hurt you back. It would be _normal_ to be angry, or guilty. Instead we're all sitting around like we're about to have tea and talk about the weather. What the fuck?"

I stood up and began pacing back and forth. I couldn't shake their stares and I felt caged. The walls seemed to be closing in on me, and my heart was beating a furious rhythm against my ribs. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath.

"I was told that I had to come here to save Edward's life and my own. I came, believing that I would be told more and you, Alice," I said pointing a finger in her direction, "want us to play catch up? All, 'how were the last two months for you?' Me? 'I was a miserable mess that didn't want to get up each day. It was peachy!' But in reality, all I care about is what I'm not understanding. Why is my life in danger? Why is Edward's? Why were my letters so goddamned important? Does any of this change _anything__?_" I kept ranting, unable to stop. The floodgates were open and I felt all semblance of control wash away in the tide.

"None of this makes sense! Why did you all come back if you're going to act like nothing happened in the first place? My life was stolen away. The past few days, I've been more alive than I have in all the time you were gone. Each and every one of you is dealing with something too, I can see it, and yet you're acting like it's not there. That everything is perfectly fine. Why? What the hell is going on?" I couldn't control my volume and my throat ached from yelling.

I looked around the room again, noticing that every face was drawn in grief except one. Rosalie, who was still leaning forward and watching me closely, had a small smile on her face. I registered that there was no malice behind it, but I disregarded the thought as soon as it came to mind.

"Why the fuck are you smiling, Rosalie? Are you that happy that everything you wanted has finally happened? Are you _that_ fucking sick?" My voice broke and I could feel tears building. I blinked furiously trying to keep them from falling.

"I can assure you that I'm not happy about any of this, Bella," she replied evenly, the smile slowly fading away. "I'm glad that you're not allowing any of us to push you around anymore." She finished with a small shrug as she sat back, before looking at Alice. "You really do need to tell her everything, Alice. You can't expect her to follow your directions blindly anymore. You hurt her, too."

I quickly wiped the tears that had accumulated, before finally returning my attention to Alice. Her back was bowed, her head in her hands. She looked so sad. It shook me a bit.

"I know. I know I need to." Her voice sounded broken and pitiful, and I glanced back at Rosalie, noticing how pained her expression was while she watched Alice.

"What's going on, Alice?" I asked quietly, feeling the sting of tears again when her eyes met mine.

"It's all a mess." Her words were whispered, but I heard her clearly. "If we didn't come back, Edward would continue chasing a mirage and you'd end up being massacred by Victoria. The one thing he's been trying so desperately to keep from happening." She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands, while my heart stuttered several beats.

"He's been chasing Victoria? What does she have to do with anything?" My voice sounded too loud and shaky, but I didn't care anymore. We all needed to be honest with each other. Lying got us into the situation we were currently in. Alice sighed heavily before continuing.

"James. Edward killed James, and for that, Victoria wants to kill you. Mate for mate. Edward may be incredibly stupid when it comes to certain things, but he'd never allow anything to happen to you, if he could help it. What he doesn't realize is that he's on a wild goose chase." She stopped momentarily, shaking her head. "He doesn't realize that he'll be too late and once he finds you," her voice broke, "he won't survive it. He'll make sure of it."

I felt the warm tears sliding down my cheeks, but I didn't try to wipe them away. "Make sure of it? How?" My words were weak, I knew more was coming. The look of unadulterated pain that crossed Alice's face made my own heart fracture a little more.

"Well, in Italy there's a coven-" I cut her off.

"The Volturi." I mumbled, remembering a conversation that felt like it had taken place a lifetime ago. Edward's voice was clear in my memory, as if he were standing right beside me.

"_Well__, __I __wasn__'__t __going __to __live __without __you__. __But __I __wasn__'__t __sure __how __to __do __it__ — __I __knew __Emmett __and __Jasper __would __never __help__… __so __I __was __thinking __maybe __I __would __go __to __Italy __and __do __something __to __provoke __the __Volturi__."_

A small, sad smile quirked her lips briefly before she nodded. "Yes, the Volturi. They govern our kind and if someone were to expose himself for what he truly was - the punishment would be swift and severe. Edward knows that."

I couldn't hold back the flood of tears any longer. There was a part of me that understood. I had the luxury of Edward being nearly indestructible, but if something were to happen to him - if he no longer existed in any sense - I would surely die.

Still, knowing that would be his fate if I didn't cooperate? Did they honestly believe I wouldn't do everything in my power to assure Edward's safety? My heart would allow no other option.

"And you came back to prevent all this?" I choked through my tears.

"Yes. But that's just it, there are so many variables right now. You change your mind every other minute it seems, and everything is hazy. I can still see the outcome that we all want, but it's not solid and it's constantly changing. I'm terrified that I'm going to mess it all up." The turmoil raging in her eyes speared my chest and I found myself wrapping my arms around her shoulders before I consciously decided to do so. The next moment, her tiny frame shook with dry sobs and her hands clutched at the fabric of my Henley.

Her cold embrace felt all too familiar and wholly uncomfortable in the same moment. I couldn't catch my breath and I could feel myself shaking, though I wasn't certain if it was my nerves or Alice's sobs that caused it. I pulled back slightly, my eyes darting in every direction for escape. This was too much. All of it was too much.

"Bella?" Alice sniffled. I looked back at her, feeling a bit light headed, and swallowed thickly. "Why don't you take a minute? You don't look so good." She tried to smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good." I said softly, clumsily extracting myself from the embrace. I could feel the rest of the family's eyes on me as I made my way toward the stairs. I glanced over my shoulder briefly to see Jasper wrapping his arms around Alice's still hunched form before I tore up the first flight.

I slowed my steps when I hit the second floor landing and leaned heavily against the wall. My emotions were so up and down, they felt like a roller-coaster. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to calm down. After a moment, I stumbled towards the bathroom, wanting to splash some cool water on my face. Instead, the stairs at the end of the hall caught my eye and called to me.

I found myself looking over my shoulder several times, knowing that all six people downstairs could hear my every move. What I couldn't answer myself was if I wanted to see them behind me, keeping me from making the climb. As my toes touched the bottom stair, I gave one last glance in the direction I'd come from before making my way up to Edward's room.

I felt cold beads of sweat form on my upper lip as I neared his door, and ignored the small voice that was screaming for me to turn around and run away. My hand shook as I raised it to turn the knob before my knees nearly buckled at what I saw.

Edward's pristine room was in ruins. Book pages littered the floor. His beloved music collection had been thrown around the room. Broken glass sparkled in the waning sunlight coming through the window. A sob clawed its way up and out of my chest as I surveyed the damage.

"Oh, Edward. What did you do?" The words left my lips accompanied by another sob and I didn't even try to fight back the tears this time.

I tripped through the mess, making my way to the black leather couch against the wall, noticing a large frame resting on the cushion. Hiccuping sobs broke free as my eyes danced over the pictures nestled there. I had seen them many times, Edward displayed them proudly on his bookshelf. It didn't escape my notice that they were the only things that survived the damage.

As I let my fingers trace his face, my eyes kept focusing on an empty space. A picture Alice had snapped, with me napping in Edward's lap on this very couch, was missing. It was his favorite. With what little composure I had left, I put the frame back on the cushion before collapsing to the floor.

I didn't know if there was a way to make things better. I clawed at my throat, trying desperately to get a deep breath. I couldn't find a safe place for my eyes to rest and they kept darting in every direction. The destruction around me reflected the turmoil my heart was in. I wanted out. I wanted away.

"Bella?" The whisper came from the door and my eyes snapped to Emmett's worried face. His usual bright smile was no where to be found; instead his were lips turned down into a deep frown. The truth that had been staring me in the face was starting to take shape. I wasn't the only one in pain. I wasn't the only one this situation had broken. I just wasn't ready to face it yet.

"I want to go home, Em."

...

**I apologize for this chapter taking so long. I've been dealing with a stomach virus for the past couple days and it took a toll on my writing time. I hope the wait wasn't too long and that you'll forgive me if I have to slow down a bit with the upcoming wedding and whatnot. Eleven days. Holy crap. Once again, thank you all for your support and love. I look forward to each and every update because of you all. **


	8. Monsters and Ghosts

**a/n - Thanks to my girls, you know who you are. My sincerest thanks to Sue for beta'ing this so quickly, and my sincerest apologies to Katie and Andrea - I was very impatient.**

**To all of you still reading, thank you. I'm so sorry it has taken so long. Weddings, floods, family members in hospitals, moving, moving some more...well, it's been a little hectic around the Lambie household. I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me. As always, all recognizable quotes and characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just playing around with New Moon.**

* * *

...

"...Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."

-Stephen King

...

Every possible scenario flashed through my mind's eye while I sat in the tin can cabin of the plane. Gruesome things. Horribly horrific things. Unsurvivable, heart wrenching things. My stomach twisted with an uncomfortable heaviness that I couldn't shake no matter how hard I tried.

For the first time since waking to Carlisle's face in 1918, I couldn't hear anything beyond a low static hum. There were no outside thoughts to distract me. The only thing that would occasionally rise above the hum was Alice's voice. Each time I replayed her voice breaking on Bella's name, a piece of my cold heart would splinter and crumble.

I felt terrified and numb. If anything had happened to my Bella… I couldn't finish the thought.

**...**

After growling at the stewardess, who had only been offering me a refreshment, I feigned sleep. My nerves were stretched too thin and I could no longer worry about manners. Images, fuzzy around the edges, kept creeping unbidden into my mind. Bella laying broken and bloodied somewhere. Charlie wracked with sobs over a fresh grave. Each image shook me to the core and I had to bite down on my lower lip to keep from wailing aloud. In all my existence, I could not remember a time when I had been more terrified.

**...**

I spent the brief layover in Dallas trying to reach Alice via payphone. Again, there was no answer and I had to refrain from crumbling in on myself. Even so, I replaced the handset with too much force and cringed as I took in the grooves left behind by my fingers. My always present control was far from my grasp and I didn't know how to reclaim it, short of seeing Bella - perfectly imperfect - just as I left her.

Instead, I waited outside my gate and fought to remain in control of my psyche. I had no safe place. Every memory was tainted or distorted. I tried reliving my goodbye to her; the words I had once deemed so perfect. I could see now just how hollow and untrue they rang. I shifted my focus to her eyes, the window to her soul, and immediately regretted the decision. I watched, trapped in the silent prison of my memory, as each word cut her more deeply and the brightness slowly drained away completely.

I shook my head roughly to clear it and allowed myself a privilege I never had before. I tried to imagine how differently things might have been if I wouldn't have left. I could see her smiling. I could envision the warmth of her lips touching mine. I could hear the symphony of her heartbeat. I let it thunder in my ears, even as my own heart ached so painfully I feared it might end me. I saw her lying in her twin bed, a small smile tickling her lips and heard my name escape them on a sigh. Gradually that image shifted toward something gruesome, and my painful gasp echoed throughout the terminal.

I gave up and counted cracks in the flooring. It was mindless. I needed mindless.

After a monotone voice announced that boarding had begun and I took my seat, I feigned sleep once again. I only had to survive this part of hell for four hours and fifteen minutes. Of course, I would only be trading one torture for another, seeing as I still had the run to Forks ahead of me.

I still didn't know what kind of nightmare was waiting in the wings. I could only survive moment to moment.

**_..._**

Green. I never knew I could be so happy to see a color. It was sparse and really only clinging to the fir trees, but still it signified just how close to _home_I was. The dead weight I had felt pressing on my chest from the moment of my departure lessened a minuscule amount with each step toward Forks and I had to keep anchoring myself so that I didn't move too fast through the airport.

A hint of a smile graced my lips as the automatic doors whooshed open and the cool, damp air surrounded me. It took all my strength to resist breaking out in a flat run, but I refrained until I was hidden by the trees. When my feet touched the damp forest floor, I was off. The blurred green and gray haze in my peripheral vision soothed my decimated nerves and, for the first time since hearing Alice's voice, I could breathe deeply.

I allowed myself a few moments of peace. It was selfish, but not knowing what awaited me in Forks was too heavy and exhausting. I would surely falter and break if I continued to dwell. So, I ignored the nagging voice of my subconscious whispering words of fear and let my feet carry me through the calming haze.

Soon. I would have my answers soon.

**...**

As the scenery became more and more familiar, the relaxation I felt began to give way to an uncomfortable tightness in my chest. Each minute I grew closer to my unavoidable fate and I only had hope to cling to. I fought the urge to slow down and felt hideously guilty for having the urge at all. A part of me understood that it was a normal reaction; I had no idea what was waiting for me and it could very well be the worst thing imaginable. Still, I pushed myself harder and gave silent penance to my Bella while continuing my punishing pace.

A chill crept over me as I entered Forks and I could no longer catch my breath, unnecessary as it was. I stumbled once, before resting against the scarred bark of a tree. I didn't know if I had the strength to face any of this. My limbs felt like the stone they resembled and exhaustion ran through my entire being. I stood a half mile from Bella's house and six miles from where my family would most likely be assembled. I thought on my options for several minutes, before deciding to spare my family the trauma of dealing with me if the worst had come to pass.

Pushing away from the tree, my feet carried me effortlessly toward my destination. Memories that felt both radiant and melancholy surged over me and urged me to move faster. I felt frenzied and unhinged. I caught her scent and a grim sob cracked the silence around me. I could make out two heartbeats. One steady and sure, one disjointed and rapid. A moment of worry was immediately dwarfed by relief. Two. There were two heartbeats.

I found myself silently thanking any and every higher power I had ever heard of.

I froze as I caught another scent. Confusion clouded my mind, but I assumed that Alice had put guards in place for Bella's safety. I moved several steps closer, before pulling up short in an instant.

_Not __another __step__, __Edward__. _

Emmett's voice growled through my mind and shocked me into submission.

_You __should __consider __yourself __lucky __that __I __didn__'__t __tear __you __to __shreds __as __soon __as __I __caught __your __scent__._

"Emmett?" I questioned lowly. The acid in his mental tone left me feeling unsettled and when he broke through the tree line and I saw his face, I felt ill.

"You are the most idiotic prick I have ever known," the words were spit at me through clenched teeth. "I have spent the last few hours in hell because of you. Really, you have no idea just how badly I want to tear you apart."

"Oh," was my reply as my shoulders sagged. Tinged red in his anger, I could see images of Bella. Images one would never wish to see. My sweet girl, doubled over in what looked like immense pain and shaking with the force of her sobs. Her frail hands clawing at her chest. Pure anguish etched into her angelic features. "Emmett. Please. I can't..." I begged breathlessly.

"You can't what, asshole? You can't face what _you_ caused?" His words echoed around us as he fumed at me with bared teeth. "Tough tit, d-bag. I could care less about you right now. God, if you read -" but I cut him off.

"Please stop, Emmett! I just spent the last, I don't know how many hours, thinking that the reason for my existence was dead! Could you please allow me a few moments to revel in the sound of her still beating heart before you tell just how _fucking__stupid_ I am?" The words were thick and full of desperation. Emmett's eyes narrowed at me, but he remained quiet and granted my plea.

I closed my eyes and focused on the hearts beating less than a hundred yards from me. A soft cry accompanied a minor disturbance in one and I felt a searing pain rip through my entire being. My body reacted without permission and propelled me forward, which resulted in Emmett body-checking me with a snarl.

"I don't _think_ so, pretty boy."

I responded without thinking and shoved him in return, my mind screaming that he was the only obstacle between me and Bella.

"What the hell, Emmett? Didn't you hear that? She _needs_ me," I half growled, half begged. I heard a sharp bark of disbelieving laughter just before a right hook caught me under the eye.

"_Needs_ you? She _needs_ you? Are you _just _fucking realizing this, Edward? Or have you had your head so far up your emo ass that you couldn't see past your own pain? Listen to her, Edward! You caused that! YOU!" Each angry syllable was punctuated with a shove to my chest.

I couldn't fight back because I knew his words were true. Instead, I maintained eye contact throughout his assault. I could tell from his thoughts that he needed this. He felt he had let Bella down before and was trying to redeem himself.

"She needed you to be strong. She needed you here. She needed you every single day you've been gone! You say you left to keep her safe, but you and I both know it was because _you_ were scared! Maybe you were scared of losing her, maybe you were scared of her being hurt by our world, maybe you were just acting like the seventeen year old you resemble, but it was a stupid move. I hate that we let you get away with it. I hate that everyone has been miserable for so long, when all it would take to make everything better was to come back." He had lost the majority of his anger and seemed tired as he finished, "I hate how helpless I feel. I don't know how to make it better. I don't know what to do."

I watched his shoulders slump forward while a sick feeling rolled through my stomach. Small hiccups and sniffles danced around us and I found myself breathing heavily.

"I don't know what to do either, Em," I barely whispered. His eyes snapped to mine and I could see the war raging inside of him. I was part of his family, his brother, but he viewed Bella as his sister too. His much weaker, more fragile sister. His eyes turned hard.

"You're not going anywhere near her until you understand what you've done."

I opened my mouth to argue that I did know, that he could let me see her, but he held up a hand and regarded me with cold eyes and a stony glare.

"You have no idea, because if you did...you wouldn't be able to argue."

With those words, he grabbed me by the arm and started pulling me in the opposite direction. He glanced over at me and a small, but almost malicious smirk played along his lips.

"Besides, you should really say hello to the family first. I know they can't wait to see you."

I swallowed nervously at the eerie twinkle in his eye, and looked back longingly towards Bella's window. Her curtains were dancing in the breeze and my heart clenched. It was open.

And I was a fool.

**...**

Emmett's mind was eerily silent on the way to the house. Small snippets that would slip through burned through me like a wildfire. I couldn't decide if I wanted to examine them more closely or if I wanted them to drift off like a wisp of smoke. Neither one of us spoke. I had no idea what to say and understood that Emmett needed the silence.

I was still unsure about what was happening. I knew, however, that answers would await me with the rest of my family. That thought loosened the vice grip around my chest slightly. The relief was short lived, however, because as we broke through the tree line surrounding the house, I was met with the fiercest glare I had ever received.

"Alice," I mumbled in greeting. Her thoughts gave nothing away, as she focused on nothing but the color red. Anger. Alice often communicated in colors when she had no words. Her eyes narrowed further before she turned and walked through the open front doors without a word.

I looked to Emmett, hoping for some sort of explanation, but his eyes were distant and his thoughts were worried. Worried for everyone.

I didn't understand.

I climbed the front steps with much trepidation. They gave nothing away in their thoughts, which automatically set me on edge. I walked through the front door with my eyes on the floor, trying in vain to glean some sort of pertinent information from one of them. Jasper was recounting all the battles of the civil war, in Italian. Esme was singing a lullaby in her head. Rosalie was dismantling and reassembling various engine components and Carlisle was steadfastly reciting the Serenity prayer. I swallowed thickly. That prayer was never a good sign.

No words were spoken when I finally made my way into the living area. I continued staring at the floor, too terrified to actually look any of my family members in the eye. The silence stretched on, feeding my anxiety. I shifted my weight nervously, before stealing a quick glance around the room. My fears were confirmed, seeing so many faces drawn in grief and anger.

"What's going on?" I croaked hoarsely. The wall of silence seemed to close in around me as each pair of ocher eyes drifted to Alice, who simply stared me down. I sighed forlornly, before mumbling, "Alice, please. I know you're angry, but I need to know what's going on."

I watched with a small swell off hope as a tiny amount of compassion crept into her stare. Her words were quiet when she finally responded.

"I'm still trying to find the right way to tell you. Everything is so murky right now."

I still had no control over my emotions and could tell the moment my features darkened with my own mixture of anger and grief, because Alice projected the image right back at me.

"Don't. Say. Anything," she all but growled at me. "You have no idea how hard this is on me. On all of us." My shoulders fell forward and I wanted nothing more than to disappear. The anger had snuffed out as quickly as it came and I just felt hollow. I shook my head and slowly shuffled toward the stairs. I didn't want to upset anyone any further. I wasn't thinking clearly, perhaps I would have questioned the hostility directed at me if I had been.

My hand touched the banister, when another voice pulled me up short.

"Edward, come back here and sit down. There will be no more running away. From any of us." Her voice was stern, scolding. I felt like a chastised child. I couldn't help bristling.

"Esme, I'm not helping things. I only want to go to my room and try to clear my head. It's been a rough day." That was the understatement of the century.

"No." Her normally soft voice was hard. Cold.

I sighed, exasperated and exhausted. This was ridiculous. They didn't want to tell me anything, and yet they expected me to stay. Something small tugged at my subconscious, an awareness that I chose to ignore and took the first step towards my room.

"It for your own good," Esme whispered brokenly and I turned to see her face twisted in pain before sounds and images flowed freely around me.

_My __family__, __sitting __around __our __large __mahogany __table__, __each __with __papers __in __their __hands__._

_Esme__'__s __sobs __as __she __read __words __that __would __cut __her __more __deeply __than __words __had __ever __cut __before__._

"_I __never __knew __how __much __I __would __miss __you __if __you __were __gone__. __I __need __a __mom __so __badly __right __now__."_

_Bella __standing __at __the __top __of __her __stairs__, __sheet __white __and __looking __terrified__. _

_Bella __sitting __at __the __small __dining __room __table __in __her __kitchen__, __sinking __into __herself __as __conversation __flowed __freely __around __her__. __Her __eyes __empty __and __sad__. __She __kept __stealing __glances __at __Alice__, __her __gaze __questioning __and __skeptical__. _

_Charlie__, __his __face __nearly __purple__, __screaming __at __Alice __and __then __Esme__. _

"_For __hours __I __didn__'__t __know __where __she __was__, __or __if __she __was __okay__. __All __I __had __to __go __on __was __a __note __that __said __she __went __for __a __short __walk __with __Edward__-.."_

"_..__all __I __could __think __about __was __my __baby __girl__, __out __there __by __herself__ - __scared__, __hurt__, __dead__? __And __then__...__when __we __found __her__..."_

".._all __she __could __say__ - __all __she_ _would _say _was_ '_he__'__s __gone__.'_"

"_..__I __saw __a __part __of __my __daughter __die __that __day __and __it __was __your __son__'__s __fault__."_

_Bella__'__s __tear __stained __face__, __her __hand __clawing __at __her __chest__, __where __her __heart __lay__._

_Esme__'__s __voice__, __pleading __my __case__._

**_..._**

"God, Esme...please stop. I don't want to see this," I groaned, clutching my temples.

"It's for your own good." This time she whimpered the words, her own pain shining through.

...

_Bella __standing __in __the __center __of __our __living __room__, __screaming __at __my __family __to __stop __pretending __like __everything __was __okay__._

_Bella __hugging __a __distraught __looking __Alice__, __while __her __own __tears __fell __unhindered__._

_The __gut__-__wrenching __sobs __that __came __from __my __room __on __the __third __floor__, __before __Emmett __could __no __longer __take __it __and __ran __up __to __help__._

_Bella __staring __blankly __at __nothing__, __while __Emmett __carried __her __outside__, __protectively __in __his __arms__._

**...**

The images stopped just as my own sobs broke through. Why show me that? How was that for my own good? My poor Bella. What had I done to her? I had completely broken the one pure, good thing I had in my life. I sat heavily on the first step, trying and failing to curb my outburst of emotion.

Esme's arms were ar_o_und me in an instant. Her soft whispers beseeching me to listen.

"You had to know. You have to see. Darling, we cannot make this right unless you see. Unless you understand." I tried to shake her away, those horrible images still burning me to the core, but she held on tightly to me. After a moment of struggling I gave in, allowing her comfort to wash over me. I held nothing back. I clutched the fabric of her shirt and allowed the months worth of anguish and loneliness to pour out of me.

"I'm so lost, Esme. I'm so...scared," I whispered pitifully into her shoulder. I didn't care anymore.

"I know, my darling boy, I know," she murmured comfortingly. "We're going to fix this. _We_ will _all_ fix this."

I raised my eyes to hers and asked the only question I could.

"How?" It was tinged with hope, despair and doubt. How could anyone fix something like this? I had destroyed everything.

"I'm pretty sure that's where I come in." Alice's lilting voice startled me momentarily, before I directed my attention to her. Gone was the unbridled anger I experienced earlier, but the all encompassing sadness still lingered.

"I can't tell you everything, Edward. I wish I could, but you won't _see _if I do. This isn't going to be easy. You're going to want to run. But you can't. You cannot run again, Edward. Everything depends on this." Her words were frantic and forceful. She could see the panic and confusion clouding my features and the shadow that crossed her face chilled me to the bone.

"Edward, you'll both die." My eyes stayed locked with hers, unwilling to believe her words, but knowing they were true.

"No." It was whispered, but forceful. I refused to let that happen.

"It's still there, it's still a possibility." Alice moved to my side, replacing Esme as she crouched down in front of me. "We can't let it happen." At least we were on the same wavelength.

I nodded my agreement, trying to swallow past the lump that had formed in my throat.

"I'm going to show you where you need to go. Once you find what you need, you _must_ come back here. You can't go to her. I know you'll want to. You just can't. Do you understand me, Edward?" Her tawny eyes burned brightly into my own, and, with a deep breath, I acquiesced to her demands.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered before she showed me a place I knew all to well.

_A __small __clearing__, __not __too __far __from __Bella__'__s __house__. __One __tree __stood __out __from __all __the __rest__, __a __lonely __sentinel __to __all __the __destruction __that __had __occurred __there__, __not __so __long __ago__. __And __an __envelope__, __fluttering __softly __in __the __wind __with __a __name __written __on __it __in __Bella__'__s __handwriting__. _

My name.

* * *

**Guess who's back...back again...**

**..good? **


	9. Reckoning

**a****/****n**** – ****Thanks ****to ****my ****girls****, ****you ****know ****who ****you ****are****. ****To ****Sue ****and ****Andrea****, ****thank ****you ****for ****making ****my ****words ****pretty ****and ****Katie****, ****you ****are ****my ****sunshine****.**

**All ****recognizable ****characters ****and ****quotes ****are ****the ****property ****of ****Stephanie ****Meyer****, ****I****'****m ****simply ****playing ****around ****with ****New ****Moon****.**

**With ****this ****chapter****, ****I****'****m ****taking ****a ****bit ****of ****artistic ****license****…****well****, ****more ****so****…****and ****playing****, ****just ****a ****teensy ****bit ****with ****the ****timeline****…**

**Prior chapter synopsis****: ****Bella ****came ****to ****the ****realization ****that ****Edward ****lied****. ****She ****wrote ****letters ****to ****the ****Cullens ****and ****Alice ****showed ****up ****to ****make ****sure ****the ****family ****received ****them****. ****Alice ****called ****Edward****, ****who ****was ****still ****moping ****in ****an ****attic****. ****The ****family ****read ****the ****letters****. ****Edward ****came ****back****. ****Every one ****is ****angry****…****and ****I ****suck ****at ****recaps****.**

** ...**

"**Loving ****can ****cost ****a ****lot ****but ****not ****loving ****always ****costs ****more****, ****and ****those ****who ****fear ****to ****love ****often ****find ****that ****want ****of ****love ****is ****an ****emptiness ****that ****robs ****the ****joy ****from ****life****."**

– **Merle ****Shain**

**...**

...

_end of last chapter:_

"I'm so sorry," she whispered before she showed me a place I knew all to well.

_A small clearing, not too far from Bella's house. One tree stood out from all the rest, a lonely sentinel to allthe destruction that had occurred there, not so long ago. And an envelope, fluttering softly in the wind witha name written on it in Bella's handwriting._

My name.

…

_Edward,_

_I've started this letter at least ten times, yet can never seem to finish it. It's either too much or not enough. Much like the person it's addressed to. I'll just start with the truth._

_I know you lied._

_What I don't know is why you lied. Most likely some misguided attempt to keep me safe, I imagine. Regardless, you're gone and I'm still here. I'm left with nothing and everything at the same time. Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget. Actually, that's not right either. How could I possibly forget?_

_You touched every part of my life. You're part of my soul. There is no forgetting you._

_I think that's what cut the deepest. You truly believed that I would just…move on. Like it would be so easy for me to just let us go. It makes me think you never really knew me. And that hurts more than you could possibly imagine._

_Tell me Edward, did your distractions help you? Did you have one second of peace? One tiny moment where you weren't thinking about me, or us, or your lie?_

_My money is on 'no.'_

_But of course, you justified that, right? Your silly Bella, the naïve little human whose feelings couldn't possibly be as strong as yours. I should have been able to just shrug my shoulders and chalk it up to shitty luck, right? Be sad for a minute, but then give into Newton's advances before the week was out. Is that what you were hoping for? Did you really think so little of me and my love for you?_

_Because that's exactly how it feels, Edward._

_How many times did you tell me I was unlike any other creature you had ever come across? That you never knew what I would do or say? Is it really that much of a stretch then, that when it came to matters of love, that I would be different there too? Or did that never cross your mind?_

_I've spent so many days and nights aching for you. Literally aching._

_Tears did nothing to soothe the pain; neither did screaming. I pulled out the stereo Emmett and Rose gave me in a fit of anger, but all that did was cut up my hands. I had to give up music, because all I could think about when I listened to it was you. I couldn't sleep easily because all I could dream about was you. There's no safe place. You said it would be like you never existed. You lied more than once._

_It would be so much easier if I could just hate you. If I could just deem your actions unforgivable and curse the day I met you, but I can't._

_I don't know exactly why you did what you did._

_I know, deep down in my soul, that I belong to you. My very essence is yours and nothing can change that. Sometimes things are destined. It's my fate to love you. No matter how much pain that brings me._

_I just wonder how long you plan to keep fighting something that we have no control over. Or if you even realize that you have no control over it._

…**.**

The paper was shaking, making the words jump and dance across the page. I took a sharp, deep breath before realizing that I was the one shaking.

Bella had seen through my lie. Her willingness to accept it as truth that day in the woods had broken my heart, but, by thinking so little of her feelings for me, I had done the same to her.

I closed my eyes and swallowed thickly. For the millionth time since leaving, I wished I could cry. I craved the emotional release so badly; it was an acute ache in my chest. I hastily scrubbed my eyes for the umpteenth time, before reading the letter again. I had been sitting on a felled log in the little clearing behind Bella's house for several hours. I knew I was supposed to return home, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. Emmett hadn't shown up in a rage, so I figured all was well.

Had I doubted Bella's capacity to love? I knew the answer. It was an emphatic yes. I had doubted her feeling from the moment I realized I loved her. I had to keep re-reading her words, my mind unable to truly wrap itself around the concept. I truly had believed that my kind loved more deeply, fully and wholly than humans. I had seen it too many times to count. Love would fade as easily as it began.

But Bella always did have a way with surprising me.

I stood, tangling one hand in my hair while keeping a tight grip on my letter with the other. I began pacing blindly, lost in my thoughts. My emotions were jumbled and I felt slightly unstable. I was angry, but at myself. I felt a singing despair, which seemed to spear straight through me. But mostly, I felt an overwhelming love. It radiated through my whole being. I didn't know what to do with myself. I continued to worry the ground; I was lost.

The ebony tones of the night sky were slowly lightening into a violet shade as I allowed my feet to carry me to and fro subconsciously. I didn't realize my heart's true destination until an engine turning over broke me out of my trance like state. I watched from the edge of the tree line as Charlie cast a worried glance towards Bella's open window before shaking his head and pulling away. I allowed my eyes the gift of drifting to her window as well, Alice's warning echoing throughout my memory.

I decided I was content to simply be so close to my reason for being, her incredible but torturous scent wafting around me, and her heartbeat echoing in my ears. And I was content until my whispered name hit my ears. Before I could register the movement, I was balancing precariously on the branch just outside her window. One brief look wouldn't hurt, I decided.

Her eyes were tight around their closed edges, but beyond that she was an angel at rest. The hair I had become so used to burying my face in at night fanned across her pillow. Her blankets were knotted and twisted around her legs. Her sleep had not been peaceful, it seemed.

"_Edward__."_

The pained whimper speared straightthrough my stone chest and I was through her window before I could blink. I wanted to touch her, bring her some semblance of comfort, but I knew I couldn't. I no longer had the right to do so. Instead, I willed myself to be delighted with simply gazing at her slumbering face. And I was.

I hummed her lullaby gently and watched in rapture as the tension slowly melted off her face. A swell of pride ripped through my chest. I was insanely happy that I could still offer some form of comfort, even if she didn't realize it.

That feeling was quickly replaced with sinking horror as one magnificent, burnt coffee eye opened owlishly and gazed at my terrified face. Every instinct screamed for me to run, disappear back into the early morning mist and hope that she believed I was nothing more than a waking dream.

No such luck.

"Edward," her sleep laden voice cracked.

I flinched.

"What are you doing here?" Her tone was flat. Angry.

I shrugged.

"Get out." I could do no more than hang my head. I knew I should pick what was left of me up off her floor and leave but I couldn't. I needed for her understand. I needed to apologize.

"Bella, I'm so –, "she cut me off.

"No!" Bella sat up quickly; her sleep disturbed t-shirt falling down across the flat expanse of her stomach. "You don't get to apologize. You don't get to just waltz back into my life like you didn't destroy it!"

A pillow whizzed by my head as she stumbled out of her bed. Her bare milky legs shook slightly as she tripped towards her dresser and she grabbed a pair of faded jeans off the top.

"Leave, Edward," her tone was both pleading and commanding. I wanted to obey, but I couldn't bring myself to leave without one more attempt.

"Please, Bella, you have to understand, my intentions were never meant to be anything but-"Once again I wasn't allowed to finish.

"What? Honorable? Please, Edward. My vision might not be as good as yours, but I assure you I can see things for what they truly are." She spat her words as she pulled a Henley and sweatshirt over her head. "You know what? Fuck it. You just stay here if you want. I'll fucking go."

I opened and closed my mouth several times, looking much like a fish, I'm sure, but could find no words. I watched as her glorious anger was replaced with a quiet determination.

"I don't want you, Edward." Those burnt coffee eyes I adored in unhealthy ways sparkled with a flame that set fire to my entire being.

"You don't…" I whispered a little too brokenly, my unnecessary breaths coming more quickly. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the torture that had already commenced inside my heart. Inside my mind.

"I understand," I mumbled pathetically.

"I don't think you do," she whispered, bringing my eyes to hers. They were no longer burning me, but held an unfathomable amount of despair within their depths. "I don't want you like this. I want the real you, _all_ of you."

She walked backwards towards the door to her bedroom, keeping eye contact the whole time.

"When you decide if you can give me that, come find me. If you can't…there's nothing left for us to talk about."

And then she was gone.

…

Her words echoed throughout my mind.

All I could hear: I don't want you, Edward.

All I could think: Is this how my lie made her feel?

Still sitting hunched on her bedroom floor, I was unable to move. I cradled my head with one hand, while I rubbed the spot above my heart with the other. The pain was so intense it reverberated through my bones.

I was too late. Too stupid. It was over.

But was it? Her parting words inspired hope. She wanted the real me.

The only problem was, I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. She had always had me. All of me. How could she not see that? Vibrations from my pocket alerted me to a text.

_Did I not say to come straight home? Did I not say to not go to her, even though you would be tempted? – A_

I grimaced. Had this been what she'd seen? Was this truly the end? Contingency plans ran through my mind before another series of vibrations brought my attention back to the small device in my hand.

_Fuck, Edward! Are you that dense? Think about it. Were you ever truly, one hundred percent honest with Bella? Ever? Man the fuck up and go find her. Your heart knows exactly where she is. – A_

The words stung, but I knew they were the truth. I had always hidden things away, wanting to remain strong and infallible in Bella's eyes. Is that what she wanted? Those hidden, damaged and terrified parts?

Could I give her that?

If it meant getting her in return, then yes. Yes, I could.

With a new found determination, I set off for the one place I had always been honest with Bella. Apprehensive, but ready.

...

The terrain was easily navigated for me, though I wondered briefly how Bella would be able to get there. Would I be waiting for her and should I, had she yet to show?

I thought of a certain meddling sister and assumed the answer lay with her.

I was getting close, I could see pale grey light filtering through the trees just ahead. I allowed my pace to slow, briefly giving attention to the onset of sudden nerves. I took a deep, relaxing breath in through my nose.

And the world stopped.

…

"I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of theirs?"

As soon as I could move again, I would kill him with a smile on my face. I could see through his thoughts that he intended to be merciful by ending it now. Bella would be tortured beyond belief if Victoria got the chance.

"Left behind?" My sweet girl questioned innocently. "Edward should be here any minute, Laurent."

He ignored her easily, he had heard from the Denali's about our departure. Tanya had been so pleased that things hadn't worked for us. I felt a growl building in my chest.

"So maybe her plan was flawed — apparently it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected." He was eyeing her now, venom already pooling in the back of his throat. I forced my legs to move forward once more, flying up and over the damp forest floor without any more conscious thought. He continued to taunt my Bella as I expunged every bit of energy I had so that I could reach her before he made his move.

"I'm quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering. This is nothing personal, let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst. Look at it this way, Bella. You're very lucky I was the one to find you."

"Laurent," she warned, "you _do_remember what happened last time? Edward killed James. He'll kill you too. I'm not sure what you're going on about, but he is coming. I'm surprised he hasn't made it-" The feral growl I unleashed drowned out her remaining words as I burst through the trees and came to a stop between the enemy and my heart.

"Told you so," she mumbled from behind me.

His thoughts registered immediate surprise and fear at my sudden presence. He took a step back, which I immediately compensated for by stepping forward.

_Edward._

I snarled in response. How dare he?

_Do you really want to do this in front of the girl?_

Bella's collected demeanor fooled no one, as her heartbeat thundered loudly and much too rapidly.

_If you fail, I will kill her._

His black eyes pierced my own with his threat and I swallowed thickly. I'd just gotten her back. His attention drifted to my Bella and he smiled, which caused her pulse to quicken further.

_Just a little closer, mon cher petit…_

With that thought, my attention snapped to Bella momentarily, just enough to give him the chance to turn and run. I took a step in his direction intent on pursuing him and ripping him to shreds, but her voice pulled me up short.

"Please don't leave me all alone." The words were whimpered and soft and though every part of me screamed to run after him, to eradicate the threat…I couldn't.

I turned and faced her. Her gorgeous eyes were glassy, her face was ashen and her breathing was staccato and erratic. I raised my hands - to show I meant no harm, to plead for her to calm down - I wasn't sure. Her eyes stayed locked with mine as I watched her fight with her body, trying to shake the last several minutes off.

"This is exactly what I was trying to avoid by leaving," I murmured gently, begging her to understand with my eyes. I assumed seeing it firsthand would help prove my point, but as I watched her eyes narrow and harden, I had a feeling I should have kept it to myself.

"Why can you not see that I'm already a part of your world, Edward?" she asked slowly. "How can you not see that this would have happened, either way? Only, if you hadn't been coaxed back here by your family, the ending would have been much, much different?" She shook her head sadly. "We have no choice in this, Edward. The moment I fell for you, I became a part of this life. Nothing you do can change that. Nothing."She hung her head and I sighed deeply, as both of our phones began chiming off beat to the other.

I could only hope that Alice knew what was going on and how to get us all through it safely.

* * *

**mon cher petit - my little sweet.**

**Drama. It is coming. But first, I think these two need to talk, don't you?**

**Hate me? **


	10. A Matter of Trust

A/N This chapter is not beta'd. Le gasp! I know. It's a rule and I'm breaking it. Forgive me, dear ones. My birthday is this weekend and I know I'll be busy and I just wanted to get this to you, because it's been too long as it is. It hasn't even been pre-read, other than by me. Twice. So forgive any errors you may find and remember that it's all for you.

Last chapter: Edward read Bella's letter. He couldn't stay away from her. She ran, he followed. Laurent showed up. Really, you don't need this recap, because we get to see it all through Bella's eyes and a little more, of course.

All recognizable characters and quotes belong to Stephanie Meyer; I'm simply playing around with New Moon.

* * *

...

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

-George MacDonald

...

The tears seemed endless. I had tried to run straight to my room, but Charlie was having none of it.

"What happened, Bells? Did they do something? Are you alright?" His concern was palpable and any other time I'd find it endearing, if not a little out of character, but my mind was still processing the tangible proof of what I had come to know as the truth.

"No," I sniffled, "I just, I went into Edward's room…and I don't know, it was obvious that he took it really badly when they left. I'm just struggling with it. It's so much to process." I figured half-truths were better than nothing.

"Why would you go into _his_ room?" Charlie grumbled. His anger at Edward had once been almost comforting, but now it simply scratched at the jagged edges of my heart. He didn't understand.

"I don't know, Dad. I – I just had to see, I needed to know…" I didn't have the words to explain it. My stuttering and stumbling angered me and I felt traitorous tears well up in my eyes once again.

"Bella," his sigh was long and suffering, "I understand that you're still dealing with everything, but honey, it's time to let it go." I swallowed thickly at his solemn tone. His words held a note of finality that worried me.

"I can't. Dad, I'm not like every other teenager out there and this isn't your typical high school break up –," I needed him to understand. Not only for my peace of mind, but also for Edward. Just in case. He wouldn't let me finish though.

"I know it wasn't a typical break up, Bells!" His raised voice bounced around the living room. "That son of bitch led you into the woods, broke your heart and then left you there. You could have been hurt, lost…you could have died, Bells."

I blinked in stunned silence for a moment, finally realizing that not once in the past couple of months had I ever corrected his assumption that Edward had lead me deep into the forest that day.

"But he didn't, Charlie." My words were whispered but held more strength than even I expected.

"Of course he did, Bella! I was there. Sam told me where he found you! You were miles from the house!" His eyes, so much like mine, burned in fiery anger.

"I ran after him," I mumbled, letting my eyes drift to the bay window, not really seeing anything outside of it. "He told me that his family was leaving and that it would be best if we let each other go. Those kinds of relationships are hard and rarely ever last. He didn't want that for me. For us." My voice had taken on a monotone timber, the half truths falling easily from my lips. "I refused to listen to him. I knew what we had was so much more…that we could make it through anything, but he didn't. He said it wasn't fair to either of us and asked me to let him go. He begged me to take care of myself, made me promise that I would. Then he kissed my forehead and walked away into the woods." I shuddered at the memory playing in my mind and felt the hot tears making their way down my cheeks. "I stood there, maybe a hundred feet from the house, shell-shocked for what felt like forever, but was probably only five minutes before I realized that I couldn't just let him go, so I ran after him. After a few minutes, I realized that I didn't know which way he went but I was being stubborn, I thought I could find him…I didn't. And then…I knew he was gone and I just couldn't…," My words trailed off and I let my eyes drift back to my father's blank face.

"It wasn't his fault, Charlie."

…

After my confession, and a long awkward silence, I excused myself to my room. I could tell that Charlie was confused, he had been so angry for so long believing one thing only to find out that he was mistaken. I knew that feeling. I understood that it took time to wrap your mind around. So, I went upstairs and let myself cry. Angry tears for his lie. Heart wrenching sobs for our mutual pain and loss. Tears full of fear and anguish for the unknown. I cried until my eyes felt heavy, until my body felt weak with exhaustion. Then I stripped down and buried myself under my blankets, begging sleep to claim me and give me respite from the world.

...

I knew I was dreaming but it all felt so real.

An invisible force held me, not allowing me to move even a fraction of an inch. Somehow I knew that I needed to see whatever played out before me.

The space was dark and cold. A tortured form was curled up on its side in the middle of the space, rocking rapidly. It couldn't have been soothing.

My heart broke at the vision before me.

"I'm a monster."

_No_, I thought. _No, you're not._

"I deserve nothing but darkness. Nothing but pain."

_God, no. You deserve happiness and light and love,_ I screamed in my mind. _No one deserves such torture._

"She's light, and air, and love and hope. She deserves better. She deserves more than me."

_You don't know that. You can't know that. She deserves you, she deserves what she wants_. I felt helpless, wanting to reassure the sobbing mess in front of me, but felt locked in a silent prison.

"She would have figured it out. She would have left. She would have taken the light and everything good away and I'd be left with nothing. I saved us both."

I could do nothing but cry. So broken. He sounded so broken.

The mass rolled to face me and I cried out in pain.

Edward.

His coal back eyes met my own, hollow and dull. No swirling, burning emotion behind them; just quiet defeat and never-ending loneliness.

Oh, God.

Edward.

Soft, warm music drifted around the dark space. Little rays of light and warmth broke through the suffocating darkness.

My lullaby.

I looked to Edward's form, finding him shivering and whimpering. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to him, offer him some form of comfort.

His hand shot out towards me, his eyes showing a spark of life.

"Bella, please. Please don't leave me."

A sob shattered through the space around us and I blinked.

He looked so scared. Terrified really.

"Edward," my voice cracked from lack of use. This was different. He was kneeling and it wasn't so dark anymore. He flinched at the sound of my voice and I blinked once more. I shifted slightly, realization washing over me quickly.

"What are you doing here?" I sounded so angry. I tried to stamp it down, but it licked up and burned through me with a vengeance.

His eyes widened and his lips trembled before he shrugged. This was too much. For both of us. He needed to go.

"Get out."

He hung his head as weary defeat surrounded his form, "Bella, I'm so-," but I couldn't hear it. I didn't want to. Not like this. Hot, pulsating anger swelled in my chest. I was tired of being angry, tired of hurting, but I had nothing else in this moment. I chose to react rather than crumble. I tossed my angry words at him, along with the closest thing to me. A pillow. Yes, that would cause _so_ much damage.

God, he looked so broken. Burning. I couldn't stand it. It was too much. Much, too much. I stumbled across my room, throwing on the closest things I could find. He needed to leave. I needed away. I couldn't handle this. Not right now. Not like this.

"Leave, Edward." I was begging. God, it was so painful._ Just go. I can't do this right now, not without hurting us both._

"Please, Bella, you have to understand, my intentions were never meant to be anything but-," I had to stop him. His voice, his heartbreaking eyes, they were too much. It was all too much. Anger pulsated through my veins and I unleashed, tossing unforgiving words with as much venom as I could muster. God, I didn't want to. I just needed out. I needed away.

He struggled and I watched. I could see just how much he wanted to find the words to fix it all. He wanted, so badly, to make it better. I could see it, but it wouldn't happen here. I knew that. We were beyond broken, beyond fragile and they only way to get 'us' back was to break us down before rebuilding us together. To replace the fragile foundation we once had, with something sturdy, infallible and honest. We had to burn to ash, before we could rise again, untouched and whole.

"I don't want you, Edward." Not like this. Not believing the things he did.

"You don't…" Oh, how his tortured eyes speared me. I could see the light in them fade slowly.

"I understand," his words cut so deeply. He was submitting to it, letting me go once again. How could he not see? How could I make him?

"I don't think you do," I whispered, my heart breaking with each word, because he didn't. He really didn't. "I don't want you like this. I want you, all of you." And I did. So much.

I stumbled back through towards the door. I had to go. I had to get away.

"When you decide if you can give me that, come find me. If you can't…there's nothing left for us to talk about." I turned with those words and ran. I didn't want to think about him not being able to do that. I didn't want to think about this being the last time we saw each other. I wanted away. I wanted a place that felt like home. That felt like love and light. I wanted what could be and would be, if he let it happen. I was through the front door and in the cab of my truck before I realized it. My phone vibrated against my hip, having been forgotten in my pocket last night while I struggled with my emotional turmoil.

A text from Alice. Directions to the one spot that gave me hope. The spot where it all began. The spot where it could begin again, if we let it.

_Please, Edward, come find me._

…

I struggled through a maze of fallen trees, craters just waiting to break ankles and knotted roots begging to be tripped over. I just wanted to get there. I needed it. It was the only place I could think of that held any hope.

I desperately wanted that hope.

I could make out the opening to the meadow, it was less than a hundred feet away. I wanted to sob in relief. I wanted to scream in agony. Why was everything double edged?

I broke through the trees in sudden sprint. I couldn't wait, not another second, I needed to see it. It had all been real, this I knew, but I needed to see it.

I pulled up short at the visage before me. Dull yellow grass. Crisp, dried leaves. Death, everywhere. No, this wasn't right. It was supposed to be lush and green. Thriving with wildflowers and sunlight and joy and love.

Rationally, my mind knew that it was winter, of course the flowers were long gone. The grass merely resting until spring returned life to it, but my heart, oh, my heart, it crumbled at the sight of this place. The place where my life was changed irrevocably, resembled the destruction of all the choices that had been made. It resembled us, in the here and now. It broke me. It was broken. I wanted to cry, but no tears came. I wanted to scream and rant and rave, but there was nothing. I wanted to fix it, but I didn't and couldn't know how.

Life has an almost funny way of mocking you.

As I surveyed the decimated meadow, a cold tingle ran down my spine. The hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention and my heart stuttered once in my chest.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

My eyes snapped to a form stepping out of trees across from me, and I had to swallow back my nerves.

Laurent.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. Laurent had gone to stay in Denali with the Cullens somewhat family. He wanted to learn their ways. It was okay.

But why would my body react this way if everything was okay?

I looked at him, really looked at him, and understood.

Red eyes.

Laurent had fallen off the wagon, it seemed.

I thought it seemed fitting for me to die here, surrounded by the death of mine and Edward's innocence, but I would fight it. I would fight for Edward, with the hope that he would fight for us.

Laurent was talking. Taunting. He knew the Cullens had left. Of course he did, he had been with the Denali coven.

What he didn't know, was that they had returned. I needed to scare him off.

"Left behind?" I asked with an indulgent smile. "Edward should be here any minute, Laurent." I couldn't help narrowing my eyes a little, to give the implied threat a bit more force, all the while begging Edward to come.

_Please be close, Edward._

He ignored me, rambling on about something. A plan. Her plan. Victoria? It must be, but he wasn't making much sense. His face twisted into a mask of friendliness, beseeching me to understand that him finding me was much better than the alternative. He was insane.

"Laurent," I barked out, hoping to stall him, "you _do _remember what happened last time? Edward killed James." I swallowed heavily at the memories. The dark ballet studio. The pain. "He'll kill you too. I'm not sure what you're going on about, but he is coming. I'm surprised he hasn't made it-" a vicious snarl ripped through my words and drowned them out as Edward appeared in front of me. My avenging angel, ready to strike.

"Told you so," I muttered with just a little cockiness ringing in my tone. I could feel my heart racing, the silence around us being broken intermittently by Edward's growls and snarls. I couldn't stop the panic from catching up to me, my heart was racing and my stomach pitched. The silent discussion continued on around me, until Laurent's attention suddenly diverted to me. Edward turned sharply to face me, Laurent ran, Edward turned to chase him.

I couldn't let him go. I begged him to stay. I watched him tense, before letting his shoulders slump. He turned to face me, he looked worried and raised his hands like a criminal who submits to the law. He murmured how he had been trying to avoid things like this by leaving. His eyes were so earnest, they just begged for me to see, to understand. I couldn't though. I argued. How could he not see that we no longer had any control over this? I was a part of his world, just like he was a part of mine. There was no going back now. There was nothing that could be done to change it. It just was. I hung my head, the weight of it all bearing down on me as our phones chimed.

I knew it was coming, and answered hollowly.

"Bella? Oh, thank God." Esme's voice was frantic. "Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie are already on their way after him, darling, we'll keep you safe. You're safe."

My eyes met Edward's as he listened to whoever called him, most likely Alice. He looked so lost, so uncertain but simmering just beyond that was a rage I hadn't seen in so long. Not since Phoenix. Not since James.

"We'll be there shortly," he croaked before ending his call.

"Bella, my sweet girl, we're going to keep you safe. Come home with Edward and we'll figure this out. We're waiting for you both, darling, just come home." Esme's voice was tinged with desperation and I understood. This could have been disastrous.

"Of course," I mumbled in response. "We'll be there soon." Edward started to reach for me before dropping his hands. He shook his head sharply, and then pinched the bridge of his nose.

"God help me, I don't know what to do," he murmured pitifully. His eyes burned me as he fixed me with his pleading gaze. "We need to get back to the house and the quickest way to do so, is to run. I understand if you don't want to, but Bella, it's the safest and quickest way."

My breaths were still choppy and I felt completely out of sorts, but I nodded in acceptance before taking a step forward. I watched in abject fascination as his Adam's apple bobbed harshly, before he turned and crouched to allow me to climb onto his back. I felt the shudders ripple across his spine as we came in contact and had to hold back my own shiver as his hands cupped my legs. After a deep breath from us both, we took off towards the large white house and whatever was waiting for us there.

…

Edward refused to let me down until we were inside the house. Part of me understood why he craved the contact, why he refused to let it go. Another part of me needed him to let go. I couldn't be this close without burying my nose in between his neck and shoulder and breathing in his scent. I wanted to run my hands through his hair. God, how I missed his hair. Instead I bit my lip as hard as I could and kept my eyes screwed shut to fight off the temptation. Once I felt his grip on my legs lessen, I hopped down and backed away several paces.

It was only then that I realized everyone was silent. Alice sat with her head in her hands on the couch, while Carlilse had Esme wrapped in his arms. Edward stood in the middle of the room, his shoulders heaving with his unnecessary rapid breaths. I still felt shaky and out of sorts. None of us had expected this to happen.

"Alice?" I whispered once I found my voice. She groaned, fisting her short locks.

"I don't know. I don't know how I didn't see him. One minute you all were talking and…then all of a sudden Laurent's there and Edward's about to chase after him. I don't know how I didn't see it before." Her words were choked and full of apology. Edward stood rigid and unmoving, whether he was hearing more or not, I didn't know.

"Will they catch him?" Her troubled amber gaze met mine and she nodded.

"I've already called the Denali coven. They were appalled to learn what he was up to and they're waiting for further notice from us, once we decide what we will do." Carlisle's words were softly spoken, but tinged with anger. Glancing at him I could see regret paint his features. I could only imagine he felt responsible for letting Laurent go last spring.

"He'll die by my hands." I shook at the tenor of Edward's voice. Murderous rage inflected upon each word, carrying a promise that would no doubt be fulfilled.

"Edward…" I whispered, unable to infuse any strength into my voice.

"He came for Victoria. He was going to kill you, Bella. He will know no mercy." He did not face me while he spoke, and his body was still frozen in the middle of the room. Alice watched him for several moments, most likely communicating silently, before shooting a glance toward Carlisle and Esme then looking back to me.

"We need to go help the others bring him back. It shouldn't take us very long, but for your safety you should stay here, with Edward. We need to talk to him, to find out what we can about what Victoria has planned. Is that alright, Bella?" The way she asked really left no room for argument, but it felt nice to be asked all the same. I acquiesced with a nod before they stood and made their way toward the door. Each touched Edward's shoulder before hugging me gently and leaving.

I looked down at my hands once the front door closed, picking at my nails to avoid the tension in the room. I couldn't look at Edward. The awkward silence dragged on for several long minutes before a tortured groan filled the room. My eyes snapped up in time to see Edward crumble to the floor, fisting his hair in what had to be a painful grip. He rocked, back and forth, at a pace that was too fast to be soothing.

I gasped. My dream whirled around in my mind, as I took a step in his direction.

"Don't," he rasped. "I deserve this, Bella."

My hand flew to my mouth stifling my angry cry in response.

"I always knew you were too good for me. How could you not be? You're everything good in this world. It was only a matter of time before you realized it, as well." He choked on a sob and I had to wrap my free arm around my middle to keep from falling apart myself. "I'm the worst kind of monster. I took something so good and pure and twisted it into something dark and deceitful. Me saying you were no good for me was the blackest of blasphemies. You know I lied. My family knows I lied. But what I didn't want to admit to, what I never wanted anyone to know, is that I lied to myself."

I sank to my knees behind him, wrapping both arms around myself knowing that whatever came after this would shake the foundation of everything I held dear.

"I told myself I left to protect you. To keep you safe from the darkness of my world, from the monsters like me. And I did, in part. But I also left because I knew you'd wake up one day and see me as that monster and I couldn't bear it." Tearless sobs stifled him momentarily and he yanked his hair in frustration several times before continuing. "I was so sure it would happen after your birthday. I thought you were in shock, you were still processing things. Surely you'd wake up and tell me that you were disgusted with me; with my family. I started distancing myself, scared that any moment might be _that_ moment. I was trying to protect myself from the inevitable outcome." He swallowed thickly before curling up, just like he had been in my dream.

"I left to protect us both. You from me and my world. And me…from the look in your eye when you finally realized you couldn't love a monster like me." The words were whispered and broken, but I heard each and every one of them.

He was terrified. The all knowing vampire that I couldn't outrun, couldn't fight off –was terrified of me.

Well, losing me.

He thought I wouldn't want him, once I realized who he truly was. He thought I'd break him.

So he did it first.

He loved me. He lied to me. And he did it because he didn't think I loved him, all of him. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How many times had I told him I loved him? How many times had I argued against his claims to be a monster? How many times had I assured him that I wanted nothing more than forever with him? How could he not believe me?

I ran through every memory I had of him with new eyes.

The meadow. I could see his fear as he admitted to his feelings, lurking beneath the happy glow in his eyes.

The hospital in Phoenix. The grief and self-flagellation because he worried that this would be it, he hadn't been able to keep me safe, so this would have to be the moment I ran.

The prom. Me begging him to change me, let me keep him forever. The doubt and sadness that clouded his eyes was about more than just the loss of my humanity, he didn't believe I'd want him that long.

The summer and his restraint. I'd thought he didn't want me, that I wasn't good enough, but he saw it in reverse. He didn't think he was good enough, that I couldn't want him, all of him. He didn't think I loved him the same way he loved me.

Conversations from long ago whispered through my mind, and I knew. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was right.

_"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"_

He had wanted me to see it then, for me to run away while I still had a chance.

_"You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human?"_

I never had, but he never understood that.

_"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?"_

I did. I still did. Wasn't that part of our problem?

_"If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."_

I had argued with him, asked him if he didn't think I'd do the same.

_"You'd never have to make the choice."_

I let the tears fall freely, while I watched him fall apart. We never fully trusted each other. We loved each other, more than life itself, but in the end we were both just waiting for that love to be rejected. God, how could we have been so blind? I crawled towards him slowly, stopping a small space away. My hand shook violently as I raised it, before I ran my fingers through his hair. His rocking stopped, but the most heart-wrenching sound escaped his chest at my touch. It took every ounce of strength I had not to cry out in response.

I leaned down, knowing it was pointless and he could hear me anyway, but I felt he needed the closeness in this moment. He needed to feel the truth of my words. We had to start somewhere.

"I love you, Edward Cullen. I love the wonderful things about you like the way you laugh at Emmett's stupid jokes, and how you make the most beautiful music I've ever heard. I love the dark parts of you too, the monster you're so sure that you are, and the existence you're stubbornly set on enduring alone." One solitary tear dropped from my cheek to the shell of his ear, as I pulled back away from him and he flinched. I wasn't sure if it was in response to my pain, or the distance.

"You said it yourself, Edward. My number was up the day you met me, you just have to find the truth in those words yourself. I don't know what else I can do to show you that you have my heart, but I know I can never get it back and we're going to have to figure something out, because neither of us is going to make it if we can't trust each other. It'll kill us both."

We both shivered as my words echoed around us, almost as if fate were promising exactly that.

* * *

_Question. I'm a canon girl, but I have conflicting feelings about Renesmee. Do you like the nudger or would you rather vamp spunk not carry mutant DNA? _

_Just wondering. Hope it was okay. Thank you for taking the time to read, especially when I'm so fail at review replies and updates. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. Without all of you, I would never write another word. Well, fanfiction wise._

_x3 _

_OBL_


	11. Turning Tables

_A/N - Bonjour, mes bonbons! I have missed you, my lovely readers. _

**BIG**_ news! Little Sophia Kathleen arrived on the 25th of August, at 4:24 pm. Eight pounds, ten ounces of unbelievably beautiful. I'm so in love it hurts sometimes. Yep. I'm one proud mama lamb. If you haven't already, go to my profile, I have links for my social networking outlets. You can see pictures and videos. No really, I love to share the cuteness._

_Now, back the world of fanfiction and fanfiction related things._

_Many, many thanks go out to Sue, my sweet beta fairy and Andrea (also known as GrayMatters) my sweet, red pen wielding wordslayer. They really helped me whip this chapter into shape. I don't think it would be half as good without them. Yeah, no, it wouldn't. Loves to Stef, Mandy and Katie. Your words of encouragement and praise always lift me up. Thank you. x3_

_We're middle of the road on Nessie. It's very nearly fifty/fifty._

_ Half of us feel that she completes the Cullen clan and brings a very fairy tale feel to Edward and Bella's happily ever after._

_Half of us feel that she's an abomination that was a plot device to tie everything up neatly in a nice little bow._

_And half of us feel that 'meh, whatever. Just don't name her Renesmee.' _

_What? I favored English in school, not Mathematics. _

**All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephenie Meyer, **(I've spelled that incorrectly for the past eleven chapters, please shoot me now.)** I'm simply playing around with New Moon**.

_Last Chapter: Laurent was being chased down by a very angry set of Cullens, Bella learned the ugly truth about why Edward left and we're all praying our two love/hatebirds might just get their stuff together._

* * *

"Close enough to start a war,

all that I have is on the floor.

God only knows what we're fighting for,

all that I say, you always say more.

…

Next time I'll be braver,

I'll be my own savior,

standing on my own two feet."

Turning Tables; Adele, 21

…

I couldn't tear my eyes away from her face, her eyes. She was being completely honest, even if it made little to no sense to me. I had just explained that my own fear sent me running away from her, that my own selfish reasons tore us into pieces, and she simply understood. In fact, she gave me exactly what I needed - acceptance and love. It didn't feel real. I found myself wondering if vampires really could go insane. Would I come back to consciousness and be back in my dingy attic in South America and once again wish for the blissful peace of death? I decided then and there that, even if this was only a fantastical illusion, I would cherish every second of it.

An all consuming sense of joy filled me, as I recalled her words. She loved me. She had said so. But in the same moment, fear gripped me. I could easily fail somehow and lose her love forever. Everything I had done before had been wrong, and I had no idea how to correct that. The majority of my fears were still valid. Hell, at this moment my family was searching for someone that would have ended her life. Someone from my world. Not only that, they were bringing him back here.

Bella's heavy sigh brought me out of my morbid musings and I realized I had been silent for too long.

"You must think very little of me right now." I murmured, still keeping my eyes on hers. I wouldn't blame her if she thought nothing of me.

She let out a short, sardonic laugh.

"Of course you would think that." She muttered, throwing her head back and keping her eyes skyward. "Edward, for the love of God, please quit trying to read my mind, it's never going to happen. You have no clue what I'm thinking." She leveled me with an open stare which held no animosity. "I'm hurt, yes. I don't know when that will go away. But I don't think you're a monster, I don't think you're the biggest piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure to know, I don't think that my life would be much better without you in it. So maybe...maybe you should stop thinking that too."

I swallowed dryly, still having trouble understanding how she could stand to be in the same room with me after hearing the truth.

"Edward," she scoffed half-heartedly, "you may have lived for over a hundred years, but in some ways, well, in some ways you're still just seventeen. You're dealing with first love, just like any other person in the world. It's scary. Add in the vampire aspect and I'm sure it can be terrifying. It is for me sometimes. Hell, most of the time."

My interest piqued at this.

"How so?" I questioned, my voice cracking slightly from nerves.

Bella laughed quietly as she shook her head.

"How so? Well, let's see. Even before this mess," she motioned between the two of us before expanding the gesture to the house, "I had the constant fear that I could never be enough for you." I opened my mouth to protest, but her glare made me close it with an audible snap. "And yes, you can say whatever you'd like about that, but that's how I felt nonetheless. I worried that if you didn't change me, you'd eventually lose interest. I worried that once you did lose interest, I'd never find anyone else. Because once you've experienced love like this, how are you supposed to settle for anything less? For the first month after you left, I seriously believed my life was over." She laughed once again, but humorlessly. "Maybe that's too dramatic, but I felt completely stagnant. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't breathe. Everyone wanted me to just snap out of it...but there was no snapping out of it. I knew what I had lost, they didn't." I watched as she pulled her knees to her chest and rested her cheek on them, her sad stare pinning me in place.

"We're not all that different, Edward. You're scared that I'll eventually see you as some horrific monster and I'm scared that one day you'll realize how completely ordinary I am. Either way, we're both terrified of being left behind because we don't measure up."

I sat up slowly, mirroring her position from a few feet away. I spent several minutes reacquainting myself with each of her lovely features; she seemed to be doing the same as her eyes passed over my face and body several times.

"How do we make it better?" I finally asked, feeling helpless and hopeless.

She shrugged and twisted her lips.

"I'm not sure. The best idea I have is honesty. We haven't had much of that between us, it seems." I flinched, willing away the bitter taste that suddenly invaded my mouth. Of course Bella noticed. "Neither of us were entirely honest with the other, Edward. I kept a good amount of my insecurities from you, too." I nodded in acceptance and sighed.

"It's going to take a while, isn't it?" I asked in the direction of my knees, too afraid to maintain eye contact while asking such an important question.

"I don't know. Maybe? I guess it all depends on how invested we are. All I know is that I never want to feel like I have the past few months. Never again. I wouldn't survive it."

I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I would never be able to survive something like that again.

"I'll do whatever I have to. I hope you believe me, Bella." I whispered fervently.

"Make me," she challenged solemnly.

I pushed myself up onto my knees crawling closer, an urgency driving me to do something, anything, to let her know how serious I was. I kept my eyes on hers before speaking with every ounce of conviction within my being.

"I will, if you let me. I want nothing more than to show you exactly how much I still love you." Finally, I allowed myself to do what my body had screamed for since I had laid my eyes on her again. Reaching out, I trailed one finger from her temple to the apple of her cheek. Touching her was like glimpsing Heaven. I bowed my head as my hand cupped her sweet face, rejoicing in the fact that she seemed to savor the touch as much as I did. "There is no greater torture than to be this close to you, yet still be so very far away."

Before I overstepped any boundaries, and with great effort, I pulled my hand away and sat back. I would find a way to make things right. I had to.

…

The silence stretched on between us for a long while. What should one say in a situation such as this? I had told her that I would do anything, I had asked her to believe me and she had told me to make her. I would, undoubtedly. I just had to figure out how. Having experienced the hell of this existence without Bella, I couldn't allow my fears to rule me anymore. I couldn't lose her over something that could be fixed. At least, I hoped it was something that could be fixed. I also yearned to touch her again, more than I had ever thought possible. The need to press her against me, wrap myself around her, burned through me. I knew I had to earn that privilege again, but the primal side of me urged me to simply take back what was undoubtedly mine.

Everything felt so jumbled and confusing. Most likely I would have to ask my siblings and parents for help. They all had much more experience in this area. Perhaps I had been blinded before, assuming that since Bella was human, that since I had different circumstances, they couldn't possibly help me. I was beginning to think I had more than one person to make amends with. Bella was, and would always be my primary concern, but my family had always been unfailingly loyal and I had used that against them in this instance.

Yes, I had many amends to make.

"I went into your room yesterday," Bella's whispered words broke me out of my thoughts.

"I know," I murmured in response, my throat suddenly feeling tight. I tried and failed to shake away the memories Esme had thrust upon me last night. Had that been only yesterday?

"I didn't take it so well," she said matter-of-factly. I barked out a hard laugh at her understatement. "I guess you know that too?" Her question was punctuated with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes. I wasn't listening and Esme decided to get my attention. She has a way with recalling details." I rubbed the back of my neck, a little uncomfortable. The images wouldn't stop playing on repeat in my mind, making my stomach pitch and roll. I despised seeing Bella in such distress, even if I was the cause. _Especially _when I was the cause.

"It was just a shock. I guess seeing proof that your leaving broke you too, well, it was just a little too much."

I nodded in agreement, remembering all too well the visions Alice couldn't block when I had still been with the family. Every flash of Bella's suffering had me clawing at my own eyes, trying to erase the image.

Bella pinned her inquisitive eyes on me,"Will you tell me what happened?" she asked.

I took a deep breath.

We needed honesty.

Much easier said than done.

"It was after I had made the decision to leave. The night I didn't I stay with you, I came home and Alice all but attacked me. For someone so tiny, she packs a powerful punch. She cursed me in every language she knew, all while she continued to pummel me the best she could. I let her. I knew it was nearly as painful for her as it would be for me. She loves you too."

I sighed and looked up, tracing patterns in the ceiling, my confession making me feel like the insufferable ass I was. "After Alice had her say, Emmett grabbed me and threw me outside, telling me to quote, 'Wake the fuck up and go to your girl,' unquote. When he realized I wouldn't back down, he laid into me as well. He actually ended up throwing me through a tree, all the while cursing the day I was born, the day I was reborn. He told me that I never deserved you if I couldn't see what I was doing. That I could at least agree with." I shook my head, suddenly feeling very young and inexperienced. They had both been right, but I refused to listen to them.

"After being read the riot act twice, I decided that I should just scale the house and hide out in my room until it was time to face the music. The only problem was that no matter where I looked inside that room, I saw you. I couldn't even close my eyes and pretend to be somewhere else. So I got angry and started throwing things, but the anger didn't last long. I ended up a crazed mess of sobs, in a room that looked like a tornado had torn through it. I needed to pack up the things I wanted to take with me, but the only thing I could bring myself to take was a picture of us." I pulled at my hair until it was painful and looked back to Bella. "It wasn't my best moment."

Her eyes reflected my own sadness and I knew she most likely had experienced similar things.

"You'll have to clean it up if you intend on staying here," she said quietly, too quietly.

I watched with a growing sense of dread as the eyes I adored bounced everywhere around the room, without once meeting my own.

She didn't believe we would be staying. Or, at least, that _I _would be staying.

I couldn't blame her.

"It'll be done before the evening is over, I can assure you." I immobilized her with my eyes, urging her to see my sincerity. My chest swelled minutely when a small, but brief, smile graced her lips.

I had made her smile.

After a beat or two of silence, she furrowed her brow and bit down on her thumb. I found myself tilting my head in confusion until her eyes snapped to mine.

"They've been gone a while; do you think everything's okay?" She tried, but failed, to keep the worry out of her voice and once again, the heaviness from before returned and settled into my chest.

"I'm sure that everything and everyone is perfectly fine. Well, perhaps not Laurent, but I can't bring myself to care much about him at the moment." I fought back a snarl that wanted to break free at the mere thought of that slime. "They'll be dragging him back here, most likely kicking and screaming, Bella. I'd imagine everyone would like to get their licks in now, as well. They'll return shortly, no worries."

I had tried to soothe her fears, but as the worry continued to mar her face, I began to wonder if part of her distress was being alone with me.

"I could go look for them, if you wish? I wouldn't want you to worry or feel uncomfortable, Bella," I offered, despite the fact that it made me uncomfortable. I couldn't fathom leaving her.

Her jaw tightened and I could hear her audible swallow. She trained her eyes on the floor as she hugged her knees more tightly to her chest.

"Does it make me an absolutely horrible person for worrying more about you going out there looking for him than worrying about everyone else already doing the same?" she whispered.

I shook my head in the negative, because I didn't think so. I understood exactly what she was saying and would feel the exact same way if the situation were reversed. Even if I didn't have to worry about the fragility of Bella, she would still be my main concern. My main worry. Always.

"How bad is it?" she asked, her voice still small.

I ached to hold her, hearing the tension in her voice.

"I'll know more once he's back here; he kept his thoughts fairly guarded once he realized I was there. Honestly, I don't want to think about Laurent or Victoria, or her plan to eradicate my reason for being," I hedged, hoping that would be enough for her.

"But you heard something." It wasn't a question, so I didn't respond. "Your jaw's all tense and your eyes are tight. The poker face needs a little work, Edward. Have you forgotten that all I've had for the past several months are my memories? I've spent more time than I would like to admit dissecting each of your expressions." Her voice turned a little sharp. "Edward, I understand not wanting to think about it, but don't you think I deserve to know what some psychotic vampire is planning for me? Or do you think I won't be able to handle it?"

A sad, self-deprecating smile crept along my lips and I shook my head.

"Nothing good can come from what I've heard and, if it's what I'm suspecting, it's very bad news for all of us, Bella. I'm fairly certain that Victoria is creating an army of newborns to come after us."

A pained noise escaped the back of her throat before she nodded slowly, murmuring a small thank you.

I simply looked at her in confusion.

How did confirming a vengeful vampire was plotting her demise merit a thank you?

"Telling me that must have been hard for you. It kind of goes against the grain for you, doesn't it?"

I waited with bated breath as she moved closer to me.

"Yeah, you could say that." I buried a smile as she stretched her legs out and one foot rested against my own.

It wasn't much. Nothing really.

But in that moment, it was everything.

…

My back stiffened and my jaw clenched as I heard the commotion coming from the East.

Bella's eyes snapped to mine and widened in understanding.

"They're back?"

I nodded and she began scrambling to her feet. I watched her as my skin prickled at the thought of her being that close to Laurent again.

"I'm not going to be able to convince you to stay in here, am I?" I kept my voice even, knowing her response before I asked and fighting the instinct to beg, plead or trick her into staying away.

"No way in hell, Edward. But I promise to stay right beside you the whole time, okay?"

I had no right to ask for anything more, though I desperately wanted to argue, so I stood and made my way to the door with her following a step behind. I could hear the vile creature's thoughts. He was beseeching forgiveness and understanding. He truly believed he would have been doing Bella a great courtesy, since we had abandoned her and he would be much gentler than Victoria.

Too bad for him that I didn't see it that way.

My reflexive growl startled Bella somewhat, her heartbeat thundering in the quiet space between us. I thought briefly about restraining my rage, to shelter Bella from the full force of what I was feeling in the moment, but the thought was quickly whisked away. I needed to prove myself to her. I needed to show her everything and she had to decide what she could and could not handle.

I could possibly scare her away.

That had been my intention all along.

The mere thought crushed me now.

Honesty. It was all about honesty now. We would make it. I had to believe that.

I grabbed the handle too roughly and it broke away from its confines and crumbled to dust within my fist as the door swung open. Bella's startled gasp echoed inside my head, but my attention could not be torn from the direction I knew they would be emerging.

When my family broke through the trees, dragging a kicking and flailing Laurent with them, my vision tinged a fiery red. Venom surged through my long-forgotten veins and flooded my mouth. The need to tear, shred, rip and decimate was visceral.

Recognizing my fury, Laurent finally gave up his silent pursuits and simply began pleading with us all. Loudly.

"Please! I assure you, I was only trying to keep your little one from such a devastating end. Can you blame me?"

My snarl assured him that I could, indeed, blame him.

"You aren't seeing reason. I was led to believe that the family had tired of your little human pet and left her behind, but Victoria refused to believe it. Her plans for the girl are horrid, I wanted to spare her that torture!"

I remained motionless, following his thrashing against Emmett with only my eyes. I could see that Victoria's plan was indeed what I believed. Newborns. A large number, to take out my mate and my whole family leaving me with nothing in this world. She didn't believe we would leave Bella unguarded. She was wrong, we had, but we were here now and without assistance, there was a good chance we could lose someone in the fray, if her plans came to fruition.

"You've also been sharing secrets, Laurent. How would Irina feel if she knew you were so willing to help someone attack those she considers family?" I fell sinuously into a crouch and spoke with a dangerous cadence in my voice. I felt Bella's body shudder, and yet she moved closer to me. Were her instincts clashing with her subconscious?

Laurent had the decency to look ashamed, though he hardly felt it. His loyalty to Victoria stemmed from the many, many years the trio had spent traveling together and the friendships they had forged. He valued his relationship with Irina, but he couldn't deny help to his friend.

Alice's lithe figure slid into my field of vision, hovering above Laurent with a menacing look etched into her dainty features. "Is this why I can barely make out anything regarding Victoria now? Because you've told her how to evade my visions?" She hardly waited long enough for him to answer in a remorseful affirmative before she left deep claw marks across his face. "I would gladly tear you limb from limb for even considering harm against my sister, but even I know that pleasure belongs solely to my brother." Her hiss reverberated around the clearing in front of our home, and five anger filled sounds of agreement danced among the breeze.

Laurent's eyes flicked in every direction before suddenly landing to my right. I took a threatening step forward, amazed and enraged by his boldness. Filth of his nature should not make eye contact with someone such as Bella.

"Little one? I swear I was only trying to spare you and yours. I swear." Phantom blood boiled through me.

"Don't you dare fucking talk to her! Don't even fucking look at her!" My muscles thrummed, strung entirely too tight, and screamed for me to unleash their power on the savage's disrespectful form. He had threatened my mate, sought to end her, and yet felt he had the right to address her. I longed for his pain, his cries of agony.

A warm hand touched my shoulder softly and reason returned to me a moment too late. I snapped my head in Bella's direction and reflexively bared my teeth. Her eyes widened, but she left her hand where it lay. I swallowed the venom pooling in my back of my throat and mouthed my apology remorsefully, to which she nodded. She kept her eyes trained on mine as she spoke to Laurent.

"Spare us from Victoria's plan. Yes, you've mentioned that. I mean, I get that you thought draining me would be much more civilized and that Edward no longer cared about what may happen to me. Still, I find myself having a hard time sympathizing with the guy who wanted to make me into a meal not more than an hour or two ago." Her hand fell back to her side as she took a step back, effectively shielding herself behind me. I felt a substantial loosening in my shoulders and reached out to squeeze her hand gratefully before I returned my attention to Laurent. Again, she knew what I needed without me having to tell her. She astounded me.

"That being said," her soft voice continued, "I'm in agreement with everyone else. You brought all of this upon yourself. They let you go once before and you betrayed that. Not the smartest move, if you ask me."

Laurent's thoughts became a cacophony of distress, rage and fight. A rumble flew from deep within Jasper's chest, reacting to his conflicting emotions. Laurent knew his end was coming, but he would try to fight. It gave me some satisfaction that he would at least struggle.

"You would betray your friends in Denali? You would betray Irina?" His howls were met with passive stares.

"Unlike you, we would never betray our friends. They have already been told of your treachery and know what your fate will be. Irina has my deepest condolences; however I'm certain she is better off without you." Rage flowed through me and bled into my words. "I'm of the opinion that you don't really love her, or you wouldn't have been able to even contemplate what you were about to do today. You wouldn't be able to even consider tearing someone's other half away from them."

In what would be a blink of a human eye, I stood before him and wrapped my hands around his neck.

Every fiber of my being called out for me to rip him limb from limb and to smile in his face as I did so. The satisfaction this act would bring me would be tremendous. I couldn't deny myself the luxury.

I paused when I heard the only heartbeat in the small clearing beat a furious staccato rhythm, matched by the rapid breaths escaping her lungs.

"Edward," Bella's voice whispered, rough and scratchy. I stopped, not wanting to cause her any further distress. I had done enough already. "Please be careful."

Those words shocked me enough to make me turn and look in her direction. Wrapped in Esme's arms, stood my Bella. Strong, certain and defiant as she stared Laurent down.

I couldn't possibly love her more.

With that thought, I turned back to the task at hand. Laurent would know no mercy.

...

I stood stoically, staring into the fire and absentmindedly rubbing my shoulder where Laurent's teeth had found purchase during the struggle.

I shivered as the memory of Bella's terrified scream reverberated in my mind. I understood her fear. His teeth had came much too close to my neck. Of course, I was faster.

I startled slightly when a warm, small finger wrapped around my own.

"I get it now," she murmured to me.

"Get what?" My voice was rough as I continued to stare into the flames.

"Why you keep waiting for me to run away. Why you're so scared of being with me." Her voice cracked slightly and my spine straightened as my whole body tensed, fearing what she might say next.

"It's absolutely terrifying, what your hands can do," she continued quietly, "but still, I know they'll never hurt me." Her hand slid effortlessly into mine. "Edward, you'd never hurt me without choosing to do so. Purposefully. I know this and I hope that someday you will too." Her tiny hand squeezed my own and she stood next to me silently and watched as the fire roared on. I pondered her words for several moments before I pulled her into my arms and clutched her to my chest. I might be overstepping boundaries, but the need to hold her was too strong to resist.

My family had made their way inside, leaving the two of us to our own devices. I knew Carlisle planned to call the Denali coven once again and give them an update. He also planned on asking for their help.

We would need it.

"What happens now?" She turned her face up to mine, her deep eyes filled with questions and fear.

"We prepare."

She nodded, her gaze dropping to my shoulder as she gently touched the spot where Laurent had bitten.

"Does it hurt?" she wondered aloud.

"It's nothing." Her eyes returned to mine and I knew I didn't need to explain any further. In comparison to what we had endured by my own making, it truly was nothing. We held each other's stare for several moments before she pulled away from our embrace.

"We should, uh...we should go inside." She wrapped her arms around herself and cleared her throat awkwardly. Without the warmth of her in my arms, I felt bereft and cold.

I glanced toward the dwindling flames and nodded.

"I'll be there in a moment."

As she made her way inside, I wondered how long it would take to fix everything I had broken. I wondered if I would even get the chance with our future balancing on such a precarious edge, and I wondered if I would be strong enough to handle whichever outcome would eventually come to pass.

Thunder cracked loudly above my head and the sky opened with a vengeance. As the rain trampled the last of the blaze, I turned and made my way toward the house. I felt spent and my head hung low between my shoulders.

One funeral pyre down. Countless more to go. Victoria would not give up her vendetta and Bella's safety fell entirely on my shoulders.

I could understand how Atlas felt. My entire world was at stake. I would do anything to keep her safe.

Anything but hurt her the way I had before.

It was time to face the music.

I needed to rely on my family. I knew asking for their help was moot, but for once, I would listen. I would let them lead where they could. I would allow them to shoulder some of the burden.

And I would keep Bella by my side through it all. The realization that I had misjudged her was a bitter pill to swallow. I wouldn't make that mistake again.

A new determination settled within me, and as I opened the door to my home, I brought my head up and squared my shoulders. The time to start proving myself was now, and I was eager to begin.

* * *

_We shall see, dearest Edward. We shall see._

_Who thinks it won't be that easy to prove himself? _

_Who thinks he shouldn't have to?_

_I kinda like these little arguments. _

_Shame on the evil author for fanning the flames of fandom fights. Shame._

_By the by, if you aren't already reading _In Your World; by solostintwilight, _go do it now. Amishward will steal your heart and never give it back._ _http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6811278/1/In_Your_World_


	12. Faith, Hope, Love

_n A/N - This chapter is a beast. All my love and thanks go to Andrea (GrayMatters) for getting this back to me so quickly. You're amazing, sweets. It's a holiday for our lovely Sue and she had a migraine, so she gets the day off. Feel better, bb._

_A quick thank you to everyone who voted for Set Fire to the Rain over at The Lemonade Stand. Sadly, it did not win for Fic of the Week, but it was an honor to be among such great authors and their stories. _

_One fic that won, _Masen Days by purelyamuse_ is incredible. Go check out the review I did for her and read her story. It's incredible! http:/tehlemonadestand(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2011/09/tls-fics-of-week-928-1042011-five-star(dot)html (Replace the (dot)'s with a period and the link will work.)_

_Everyone pretty much agrees that Edward's in for a rough ride. We'll see._

_There's a point of view change in this chapter. I know I haven't done that before, but it was necessary. It's clearly marked to avoid confusion, sweet readers._

**All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephenie Meyer,**** I'm simply playing around with New Moon**.

_Last Chapter: Edward killed Laurent and resolved to change his ways and prove himself to Bella and his family._

* * *

...

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."

- After the Storm; Mumford & Sons

…

White noise filled my mind as I tried to comprehend everything that had occurred in the past forty-eight hours. I couldn't do it. There was so much. Too much.

I made my way back to the house slowly, hoping that my expression showed stoicism rather than gut-wrenching fear and confusion. The return of Edward and the family was enough to rattle me, but Laurent's arrival, subsequent confession and death had left me nearly shaking.

Victoria didn't only wish for my demise, oh no, she wanted to eradicate everyone that meant anything to Edward.

And there was nothing I could do about it. One human against an army of vampires? The odds did not stack in my favor.

I could feel a blinding, white pain building behind my eyes and longed for the quiet comfort of my bed. I knew that it would be a while before I could indulge in that comfort, however, so I squared my shoulders and walked through the front door.

The air felt tense and heavy, and it immediately weighed me down. Is this all we would ever have? Psychotic vampires, impending death and angst? My shoulders fell with that thought.

Alice sat alone in a corner, her face pulled down in a deep frown. Jasper stood a few steps away, giving her space but still close enough to touch. Carlisle, Esme and Emmett were quietly conferring around the dining room table, while Rosalie stood staring out the back windows. Worry marred everyone's face, and it rattled me. I was so used to the Cullens masking their emotions that their naked anxiety sent a chill through me.

I picked at the cuff of my sleeve, unsure of what to say. We were in trouble. I understood that. What I didn't understand was how I could help. I had nothing to offer. I continued to glance around the room as I shifted from foot to foot, unable to dispel the sudden overwhelming anxiety I felt.

I had watched Edward behead and dismember Laurent with little to no distress. I had stood by and watched as the family worked together, quickly building a pyre and set the disassembled body parts aflame. I did it with calm assurance. I knew Edward needed to be the one who handed out that sentence and somehow that knowledge had calmed me in the moment.

Was I experiencing some form of latent shock? Had the day's events finally caught up to me? I felt fairly light-headed and jumbled. I felt claustrophobic and needed air.

Suddenly, a gust of cool wind shot through the room as Edward made his way inside. He paused, his eyes searching my face briefly, before he answered an unspoken question.

"It's deep, but I'm fairly certain it's alright." He turned his attention to Carlisle, who I assumed was worrying over the injury Edward has sustained in the quarrel.

"I'd still like to make sure, Son." I knew I wasn't imagining the authoritative tone he took with Edward and I raised my brows in question and surprise. Carlisle was usually so mellow, only calling on his authority if absolutely necessary.

Edward looked at him for several long moments before swallowing hard and nodding. His head dropped a little before he reached down and grasped the hem of his shirt. My eyes widened of their own accord and I found myself looking anywhere and everywhere but at the scene unfolding before me.

The only time I had even a small glimpse of bare Edward anything had been in our meadow, and that felt like ages ago, now. My eyes finally settled on the windows overlooking the backyard. Apparently my mind was devious is its own way, because although it appeared that I was keeping my eyes respectfully adverted, I really had a perfect mirror image of Edward's bare chest and stomach to ogle.

My breath stuttered and I sucked my lip into my mouth, feeling the heat flame in my cheeks. I warred with myself. Edward had maintained such rigid boundaries before that I knew he couldn't be wholly comfortable with this. At the same time, he was the one standing half-naked in the middle of the living room. After several moments, my baser side won and my eyes greedily moved over his reflection.

Carlisle had moved to his side, but I could hardly pay him any attention. Instead my eyes snapped to the subtle clenching of Edward's abdominal muscles when Carlisle prodded his wound. I felt warmth blossom in my belly and quickly trained my eyes on the floor. I began mentally chastising myself. Not only had Edward been hurt, but we were all facing impending doom and I was too busy salivating over my boyfriend to care.

Nausea turned my stomach abruptly. Edward wasn't my boyfriend. In fact, he wasn't mine at all.

I swallowed the thick, coating saliva that had pooled in my mouth and curled my shoulders inward, the truth of my words rattling me even further.

Edward wasn't mine and I wasn't his, yet he readily took on Laurent for an implied attack and his whole family was prepared to stand guard between an army of newborn vampires and me.

How could I let them? Even if we did sort out all of our problems, even if a happily ever after danced _just_out of reach, how could I stand back and do nothing while they gave everything?

I had never felt so worthless in all my life.

"It is a deep wound, but should heal easily enough." Carlisle's concurrence drifted through my awareness and my eyes drifted listlessly to Edward. His eyes were worried and focused solely on me. I attempted to smile, but failed miserably. I offered a shrug instead.

"I think..." Edward murmured softly, twisting his shirt in his hands. "I think, I'm going to shower," he offered me a small, almost boyishly shy smile. "Are you okay, Bella?"

I pondered his question briefly. Physically, I was fine. Emotionally, on the other hand...

"I'm fine."

…

After Edward made his way upstairs, Carlisle cleared his throat and shifted his attention between Jasper and myself.

"We're all discussing what needs to be done and how to prepare. Would you care to join us?" I was surprised by the invitation, the offer catching me completely off guard. My mouth opened and closed several times, leaving me looking like a gaping fish, before Jasper responded quietly.

"I'll be there in a moment, Carlisle, but I'd like a moment with Bella if you don't mind."

I turned to Jasper, still shell-shocked, his declaration only furthering my stupor. Carlisle smiled and murmured his assent, while Jasper motioned to the door. I found myself nodding and following him as though I were in a trance. I searched my memory, still more than a little caught off guard, trying to recall if Jasper had ever requested a moment of my time before.

The daylight was slowly fading and the winter chill was growing deeper by the minute. I sent up a small thanks that Charlie had picked up a few doubles this week, the birth of his deputy's child being a bigger blessing than I could have known. I rubbed my arms fiercely, trying to fight off the cold as my eyes sought out Jasper's.

He stood a few feet away, staring off toward the tree line. I surveyed his profile for several moments and realized that I had never really gotten to know the most reclusive Cullen. A twinge of guilt made itself known, and Jasper sighed.

"You're all over the place today, Bella," his soft voice startled me a bit and I mentally kicked myself for forgetting that I was in the presence of an empath.

"Yeah, well, who wouldn't be?" I retorted, more sarcasm coloring my tone than I intended.

"You do have a point." I could see his cheeks raise in a smile and found mine twitching as if to do the same. I forced a frown, and wondered if he was working his magic on my moods.

"I don't blame you for your distrust, Bella. But I can assure you, I'm not affecting your moods at all." He turned to face me then, his golden eyes clear and bright with sincerity. I swallowed and shrugged, knowing he could feel the confusion I was experiencing.

"You're wrong, you know." His lips quirked into a wry smile, and I was momentarily transported back to another time, when another vampire was threatening all of us.

"Am I?" With a raised brow and my arms crossed across my chest, I stared him down. "What exactly am I wrong about this time, Jasper?"

All humor vanished from his face before he responded.

"You're not worthless."

I half-chuckled, half-scoffed, "I know that, Jasper."

"Do you?" he questioned seriously. "Bella you ran a gamut of emotions in there. Fear, confusion, defeat, worry, anxiety, lust, immediately followed by crushing sadness and then worthlessness, more fear and finally resolve. With the day you've had, hell the past couple days, I can understand the majority but the last few, the worthlessness, fear and resolve...well, Bella it's not the first time I've felt that from you and last time it didn't end so well."

"What are you talking about, Jasper?" I broke our stare-down and focused on the patterns the breeze made in the grass. I felt like I was looking at a tremulous green sea with the way the wind made the blades wave and crest. I found it oddly comforting.

Jasper's humorless chuckle brought my attention back to him.

"The last time I experienced this blend of emotion from you, you ran off by yourself to meet an unhinged vampire," he reminded me succinctly, before smirking. "Just saying."

"Are you accusing me of something?" I retorted defensively.

"Not at all, Bella, but I know you. Regardless of how much time we've actually spent talking, I _do_ know you, Bella. I know your emotions. I know that this situation is killing you and you feel like there's nothing you can do. It wouldn't take much for you to decide to offer yourself up on a silver platter, if you thought it would keep all of us safe. You're a good person, Bella." His tone and eyes were soft.

"Wouldn't it make sense to sacrifice one for the many?" The question flew from my lips before I could stop it, but I refused to back down. It did make sense.

"You'd be doing the very same thing you're condemning him for," Jasper stated quietly, bringing me up short. "Bella, we may not have earned it back yet, but you need to trust us to keep not only you, but ourselves safe as well. And we won't be doing it on our own. We'll have help."

"But not from me! I can never help! I'm the poor, defenseless little human that can do nothing but stand back and watch it all happen. I'm so tired of being the weak link!" I tugged at my hair until my scalp ached, while voicing my grievances. "I hate that I'm constantly the cause of upheaval for you all."

Jasper reached out slowly, placing his hands over mine and untangling them from my hair. With a small squeeze he let them go.

"But you're not the cause this time, Bella."

"How do you figure that?" I scoffed half-heartedly, pleading silently for him to prove it.

"Well, darlin'," he brushed a strand of hair away from my eyes before pulling back and smiling beatifically, "you're not the one that killed James, are you?"

"No," I snorted, "it wasn't exactly a fair fight between the two of us."

Jasper raised his brows.

"That doesn't mean anything, Jazz. Edward wasn't the one who killed James either, he was busy trying save me. _Again_." All Jasper had really pointed out was just how delusional Victoria was. He added a smirk to his arched brows and crossed his arms.

After several quiet moments, I swallowed thickly, understanding rushing over me.

Edward only had it partially right. Yes, Victoria wanted to kill me in retribution for James, but she wasn't coming after his family to leave him all alone. No doubt that would be an added bonus for her, but she was in fact planning on handing down a punishment to everyone involved in the death of her mate.

Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett had tracked James, while Rosalie and Esme had stayed to watch over Charlie and keep tabs on Victoria. Jasper and Alice had taken me and ran.

It really wasn't about me, as much as it was about punishing them.

She'd take me, without hesitation, to show Edward the pain she felt, but my sacrifice wouldn't be enough to appease her. She wanted vengeance on them all.

"You see it now?" At my nod, he continued, "Sacrificing yourself wouldn't do anything but leave all of us crazed and mourning our loss. Not too mention, after everything the two of you have been through, could you really do that to Edward?"

I struggled to find words and quickly gave in, finding none. I felt like there wasn't enough air around me. I gasped in a deep breath, as Jasper surveyed me cautiously.

"I know you're confused, darlin'. But I felt what you did, when he walked through that door. You're ignoring your heart, which again, I can understand with everything we've put you through, but it's fighting so hard to make itself heard," He chuckled softly and the very organ he spoke of stuttered in my chest, as if in agreement. "And when he took his shirt off, Bella? Let's just say, it was really hard not to broadcast that little development. That was a powerful surge of lust, girl." He smiled, his eyes twinkling with mirth.

"Oh, God," I whispered, my head spinning and embarrassment coloring my cheeks .

"Bella?" Jasper queried, his brows knitting in concern. "Bella, calm down. It's okay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed."

"I need to go," I mumbled, cradling my head with my hands. "I want to lie down. I can't...this...it's just all too much."

"Hey, it's okay. I'll take you home. Just let me grab some keys." He disappeared into the house and reappeared in a matter of seconds, offering his arm to steady me in a very antiquated way.

"Thanks, Jasper. But are you sure? I mean, the car?" Worry spiced my thoughts, not for me as much as for his discomfort.

He chuckled and shook his head.

"You really are a strange one, Bella Swan," he opened my door and helped me in. "I'll be fine. I'll roll the windows down and if you're just too tasty for your own good," I couldn't help but smile at his teasing lilt and he returned it before shrugging, "well, then I'll just have to hold my breath."

I shook my head at the ease he seemed to have around me, where every other interaction I had ever had with him had been awkward and stilted.

"Is it easier? Being around me now?" I asked as he settled into the driver's seat.

"One person having faith in you can make a big difference, Bella. You trust me. I can feel it," he kept his eyes on the road as he navigated the winding drive.

"I've always trusted all of you," I whispered.

"Then trust me now," I felt a sudden surge of affection coming from him, and had to fight away the mistiness it brought to my eyes. "We'll be okay, Bella. _All_of us."

...

.._Edward_..

...

I tried to hurry through my shower, but the hot water felt too good. It had been much too long since I had indulged myself, so I let the water rinse away some of my tension while I scrubbed the grime from not only the fight, but my travels as well. When the water cooled noticeably, I shut the shower off and wrapped a towel around my hips.

I caught my reflection in the mirror and paused, remembering the way Bella's heartbeat had stuttered when I removed my shirt.

It hadn't been my intention to make her uncomfortable, or flaunt my physique. I had only just resolved to be open and honest with her; to prove that I no longer had anything to hide. So when Carlisle gently chastised me for ignoring his concern, I acquiesced. I hadn't really given my actions a second thought until Bella's body betrayed her discomfort. Then I felt like an ass.

I could only imagine how it looked, my walking in from battle and whipping off my clothing like a neanderthal. She probably thought I was seeking her attention, that I was trying to charm her - dazzle her with my partial nudity.

I groaned in frustration at myself and my poor manners, before running my hands through my wet hair vigorously. I was trying to think of a way to apologize as I searched through the wreckage of my room for something to wear, when voices filtered through my windows. I snagged a pair of faded jeans and slipped them on, dividing my attention between the conversation taking place outside and finding anything to cover my damned chest.

I found it slightly odd and disconcerting that Jasper had separated Bella from the rest of the family, but with a quick survey of his thoughts, I found no reason for alarm. Her scent was diluted in the open air and he truly believed he might be able to offer some assistance with the magnitude of emotions she was dealing with. A swell of appreciation built within me, but I stamped it back down. I would speak with him about it later. I didn't want to interrupt their conversation and felt a little guilty for being able to even hear it.

I tried to return my full attention to my hunt for the ever elusive sweater, but Jasper's vehement claim of Bella's worth stopped me in my tracks. My heart ached at the weary tone that encompassed Bella's voice. She tried to play him off with sarcasm but failed, not unsurprisingly. You can't fool an empath when it comes to emotions. I had learned that lesson myself, not very long ago.

I listened, nearly entranced, as he listed everything she had felt over the past hour or so. His brief mention of lust, piqued my curiosity and his thoughts swirled around that momentarily before catching up with his speech. My self-flagellation came to an immediate halt, as my mind tried to wrap around the idea that Bella had not been offended by my partial nudity, but apparently it had triggered a visceral response from her.

I tried to ignore the way my ego inflated, along with another certain part of my anatomy. I gulped and shifted uneasily. I had dealt with that kind of situation before, _especially _after meeting Bella, and it always embarrassed me greatly with it's unfortunate timing. A part of me felt a minor sense of shame for my body's reaction, though my more primal side argued it was only fair what with Bella's apparent response to me earlier. Either way, I knew that at any other time, I wouldn't have been blessed with that knowledge and had I not been listening to a private conversation, I wouldn't be privy to it now.

After several deep breaths and a purposeful redirection of my focus back to their conversation, my situation resolved itself, but guilt swarmed me. I shook it off, deciding that if Bella ever asked me, I would admit to over-hearing it all. That quelled the guilt somewhat, but it was nearly all but forgotten with Bella's next words. The allusion of sacrificing oneself left me throwing any object standing between me and a damned shirt. Bella couldn't continue to dwell on thoughts like that, I needed to get to her.

Luckily, Jasper was there and negated those thoughts for me. Watching from Jasper's mind, I saw her face twist in acknowledgement of the hypocrisy she had been considering. I sent silent thanks to my brother, while struggling with the grey sweater I found behind a frame that had been tossed carelessly to the floor.

Once I had my clothes situated properly, I threw my door open, prepared to run to Bella's side and try to talk her out of all this nonsense. However, my path was blocked by a four-foot-eleven, immovable mass.

Alice blinked up at me owlishly, her face inscrutable.

"Don't."

I feigned a step to the left, but she didn't move only tracking me with her eyes.

"Trust me, Edward," she begged softly. Several seconds passed as we stared each other down. I tried and failed to read her thoughts. A brick wall stood between her mind and my own. My eyes fell closed as I sighed.

She was using the easiest blocking mechanism against me, knowing that I could easily break through it.

She was asking me to trust her. She was asking me to trust the decision I had made just a little while before.

With great effort, I stepped back from the door and opened my eyes; the smile that met me was brilliant.

"You won't regret this, brother of mine," she nearly chirped, the exuberant Alice I'd always known shining through more and more with every passing moment. "Actually, you might regret it a little bit," at my startled look she quickly added,"because you just can't completely let go of being a know-it-all! That's all, I swear!"

I exhaled harshly, while shooting her a glare.

"Jesus, you're so cranky," she grumbled, placing her hands on her hips. "I'm serious, Edward. This needs to happen. It'll be good for _both_ of them. Hell, it'll be good for all three of you." Her stance softened before she walked over to me and grasped my hand in both of hers. "Have a little faith."

"I'm trying, Alice," I murmured, still fighting the urge to run to Bella's side. I stared into her optimistic eyes and continued eavesdropping on the conversation going on outside. With each passing moment and every logic-filled word Jasper spoke, tension slowly melted from my posture. I even found myself grinning self-consciously when Jasper brought up Bella's reaction to my shirtless body once again.

Alice tried to hide a giggle, but failed. Sucking my teeth in embarrassment, I nodded while turning my eyes to the ceiling. Despite my slight mortification, I had to acknowledge how good it felt to have a moment like this with the closest thing I had to a best friend.

"I've missed this, you know?" Her slightly tremulous smile answered me, but she nodded fiercely anyway. I started to say more, but faltered when the exchange outside took a dangerous turn.

"What's he thinking, Alice?" Panic colored my tone. Once again, I moved to make my way downstairs.

"You, of all people, are asking me what someone else is thinking?" Her question was playful, but her expression had hardened once again.

I paused and looked at her incredulously.

"This isn't a time for jokes, Alice. What if he can't handle being in such an enclosed space with her? I can't let them go alone. If anything happened...I'd never make it in time." My breathing was rapid and raw as chafing fear twisted my stomach. I made to move around her once more, only to be pushed back forcefully.

"No, Edward! What if Bella slips in the shower tomorrow and hits her head, leading to a sub-cranial bleed? What if she gets hit by a bus a week from now? Would you be able to stop those things, Edward? Could any of us?" Her voice was quiet but shrill. "Have you forgotten that Jasper spent several hours in a car with Bella on the drive to Arizona? He can handle five minutes, asshole."

I blinked repeatedly, staring into my sister's face. I could see anger brewing in her eyes, but more-so a deep sadness, before she hung her head. Alice's whisper-quiet thoughts flitted through my mind, causing my heart to ache.

_I __would __never __knowingly __put __Bella __in __danger__. __You __know __this__. __You __know __I __love __her __too__. __Why __won__'__t __you __believe __me__? __Why __won__'__t __you _trust _me__?_

The front door opened, before Jasper's voice carried up to us.

"Edward? You okay with this?" He paused, waiting for a reply. "You can take her home if you don't feel comfortable with me doing it," his thoughts carried no hidden malice or upset. He truly meant it. His only worry was how I would handle the situation. Not one thought about blood-lust, not an ounce of worry that he wouldn't be able to handle it.

"I'm fine. Just...take care of her, please," I finally choked out. I knew he could feel my trepidation and outright fear. I wouldn't mask it though. Honesty was a two-way street.

"You have my word."

And then he was gone.

I stood motionless, fighting the desperate urge to roar through my frustration. After several long minutes, and in my opinion, a very tasteless joke - the car pulled out of our long drive and turned towards Bella's house.

The very next second, two tiny but powerful arms wrapped around my mid-section tightly.

"Thank you." The words were muffled by my chest, but the tell-tale sniffling alerted me to my sister's emotional state.

I slowly allowed myself to return the embrace, before offering the same sentiment.

"No. Thank you, Alice."

…

We made our way downstairs shortly thereafter. As Alice had assured me, only minutes later, Jasper returned. When I finally made eye contact with him, he offered a small smile and a silent thank you for my trust. I nodded, refusing to acknowledge the worry that nearly suffocated me until he returned. The old adage that Rome wasn't built in a day came to mind and I breathed deeply.

Perhaps it was a small thing to everyone else, but overcoming this one hurdle felt monumental to me.

Carlisle called out for us to join the rest of the family, so we made our way to the large room and each took a seat around the large mahogany table. We needed to contact the Denali coven and let them know of Laurent's fate, and request their assistance for the upcoming battle.

Other than the brief break to speak to me, Alice had not stopped searching for a time-frame. All she could see however, was a murky picture of a calendar. Her frustration compounded with each failed attempt.

"You'll see it eventually, Alice," I tried to assure her. I refused to voice my fears and add to the weight resting on her shoulders. She forced a smile and nodded, while Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Alright, we might as well get this over with," he pulled out his cell phone and dialed. We all waited with bated breath for someone to answer.

"Carlisle?" Tanya's voice drifted from the receiver. "Is it done?"

I met his eyes briefly before turning a glare towards the phone in his hand.

"Yes, Tanya, it's done. Laurent has been dealt with," Carlisle was struggling with the conflict of his anger at Laurent and his grief for our long time friends. "How is Irina?"

A long sigh carried across the line.

"She's emotional, to say the least. She understands why it had to happen and she harbors no animosity against you or Edward." Tanya cleared her throat in a rare nervous gesture, "She'll just need a little time."

Carlisle turned his attention to Alice, checking once again for any kind of timeline. At her frustrated groan, he shook his head sympathetically before continuing his conversation.

"I'm afraid we aren't sure exactly how much time we have before we will need to call on you for help, Tanya," his somber tone resonated around the room.

"What? How - what do you mean, Carlise? Are you in trouble?" Uneasiness colored her words and we could hear her muffled calls for the rest of her family.

"I'm afraid so, dear. The vampire that Laurent came here for harbors a grudge against our family for the death of her mate. We learned that she's in the midst of creating an army to attack us, though we don't know when. Laurent also shared everything he knew of Alice, Edward and Jasper's gifts. She knows how to avoid detection from Alice, so all we have to go on is that a threat in looming over our heads," He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing in a low voice, "We will not be able to survive this on our own. Will you and yours be willing to help us when the time comes?"

Silence permeated the room. There were no sounds coming from the other end of the phone and we all exchanged worried glances with each other, before turning to look at Alice. With glassy eyes and a far-away stare, she sat unmoving watching outcome vacillate between their yes and their no. I held my breath, watching along with her, until the outcome solidified in a with a burst of gold and a nearly dizzying sense of relief.

I exhaled roughly as Tanya murmured an affirmative.

"But Carlisle, Irina would like to request the right to decline participating later, if she so chooses."

My shoulders slumped, the transgression against Irina weighing me down. Though I truly did believe she deserved better than the monster I dealt with earlier, I could only imagine what kind of pain she was currently dealing with. A shudder ran up my spine when I pictured myself in her shoes. I wouldn't blame Irina if she never spoke to us again, much less if she declined her help.

"Of course, Tanya. We would understand and hold absolutely nothing against Irina, if she does decide to remain out of this fight," Carlisle's compassionate nature shined through the consoling timbre of his voice.

"You can count on the rest of, Carlisle. Please tell Edward that we'll stand beside him to protect his Bella, as well." Her murmured words sparked my earlier anger, bringing the image of Tanya rejoicing over the destruction of my relationship into stark contrast. My sharp bark of incredulous laughter echoed throughout the house and all eyes turned to me in question.

"I'm quite sure they will, Carlisle," I muttered sarcastically. "By the looks of things, Tanya was thrilled to hear that, oh, how did Laurent word it? That I had disposed of my little plaything?" The growl that wrapped itself around the last two words felt feral. That description made my spine straighten, the instinct to defend my mate in all ways fighting to be let free.

"Oh, no," she whispered. "Carlisle, this is a misunderstanding. Please, I must speak with Edward."

I glowered at my father figure, plainly expressing my unwillingness to listen to whatever excuses Tanya might offer. He returned my angry stare, while communicating silently.

_She __says __it__'__s __a __misunderstanding__, __Edward__. __Please __keep __in __mind __that __we __do __require __their __assistance __and __that __she__'__s __offered __not __only __her __loyalty__, __but __also __her __covens __loyalty__ - __not __only __to __me __and __our __family__, __but __to __you __and __Bella __as __well__. __The __very __least __you __could __do __is __behave __like __the __gentleman __you __were __raised __to __be __and __hear __her __out__._

I opened my mouth to argue, but clamped it shut with an audible snap when he arched one authoritative brow and held the phone out for me to take. I sighed in resignation before grabbing the offending device. I gazed around the table, finding every one's eyes on me. I shook my head before standing and striding into the next room.

"Yes, Tanya?" I muttered tonelessly, trying to disguise my rage and hurt.

"Edward, I'm sure what you saw looked pretty damning -" she began but I cut her off.

"Yes, in fact it _did_ look particularly damning, Tanya!" I took a purposeful breath to calm myself, before continuing,"I know what I saw, old friend. When you heard about my torment, you were...God, you were happy, Tanya."

"Let me explain, Edward. Please?" she pleaded. I wanted to believe that this was some form of misunderstanding.

Regardless of her misguided attempts at seduction, or the awkwardness that would ultimately follow said attempts, Tanya and I had always had an easy-going friendship. We shared many of the same ideals and enjoyed debating issues we disagreed upon. As emasculating as it sounded, the image of her delighting in something that had caused me so much pain and sorrow cut me deeply.

"Fine. Explain," I murmured, coming to a stop in front of the windows facing the front yard. I let my eyes drift toward the skyline, noticing that twilight was falling and immediately felt a pang in my chest. A brief flash of Bella, sitting in my Volvo swarmed my mind and a deep-rooted need to be in her presence washed over me. I rested my face against the cool plane of glass, waiting for Tanya to speak, and debating whether enough time had passed to go to Bella's.

"Alright, I _was _happy -" my snarl made her continue quickly, "but it had nothing to do with _you_ hurting. I honestly assumed that whatever you had with Bella must have been a fling. You spent so many years turning your nose up at the idea of love, that, when I heard you had found it..I was skeptical. And then..I was jealous," she mumbled.

"Jealous?" That caught me off guard. "Tanya, we never...I never.."

"Oh, God, no!" She quickly exclaimed. "I was jealous that you _found_ it. _Her_. You found love and with a human girl, no less! Do you know how many human men I've taken to my bed?" She sighed. "I always wondered, with each new conquest, if this would be the time. If this would be the one with whom I'd feel that connection I'd heard so much about. It never happened for me and I guess, I thought you'd always be in the same boat. That we'd commiserate over the all happy couples surrounding us and make fun of them, or some stupid shit like that." she said with a long groan. "So yeah, I was happy that whatever you found couldn't have been love. Because that meant I wasn't all alone in thinking that love didn't exist."

"Oh," beyond that brilliant response I stayed silent, not knowing how to respond to her confession.

"But then, about a month later," her voice hardened, "Carmen received a call from Esme." I grimaced, knowing nothing good could come from that. "Imagine my surprise, Edward, when I overhear Esme crying, going on and on about how broken you were, how she could only imagine how heartbroken Bella must be. Please, Edward, just imagine what I thought when she told Carmen that you had _not __only_ left your _mate_, the _one_ and _only_ love you'll ever have _but_ that you also left your _family_ because you couldn't deal with your grief! Jesus, Edward, what the hell were you thinking?" I opened my mouth several times, ready to issue my standard excuse, that I had left to keep her safe but it kept getting caught in my throat. I could no longer tell that lie. Instead, I remained silent.

"I may be a jealous bitch but at least I'm not a fucking idiot." Her snarl rattled the ear-piece and I hung my head in both shame and humiliation. "I certainly hope you have your head on straight now, honey, because if you ever pull that kind of shit on your family again, I will come and hunt you down. Do you understand me?"

I actually found myself feeling more than a little frightened, something I had never experienced with Tanya.

"Yes," I mumbled.

"And, Edward?" she questioned.

"Yes, Tanya?" I almost whispered, not really feeling up to more screaming.

"If Bella forgives you? If she takes you back into her life _and_ her heart?" She paused, waiting until I acknowledged her once again, before addressing me with a much softer voice and tone. "Don't you dare let her go again. I can guarantee there will be no more chances. Take it from a woman, okay, kid?"

"No worries there, Tans. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm just...not capable of doing that again. I need Bella. I can't survive without her."

A small laugh danced across the line.

"That's a good thing, E. Ain't love grand?" I found myself chuckling along with her, oddly comforted by our whole exchange. "We good?" she asked after a moment.

"Yes. We're good. For what it's worth Tans, I'm sorry -" but she cut me off.

"If the roles were reversed, I probably would have come to the same conclusion, Edward. You have nothing to apologize to _me_ for," her unsubtle hint rang loud and clear. "Okay. I should go. You'll call us when you need us, yes?"

"Yeah."

"We'll be there," she said before the line disconnected. I stared at the phone for several minutes before cracking a small smile.

I made my way back into the dining room, returning Carlisle's phone. I glanced at Alice, the question burning on my lips and she rolled her eyes.

"Yes, Edward. You can go. I'm surprised you lasted this long," I barely waited for her to finish her statement before I was out the door and in my car. I laughed at my new phone resting in the cup-holder. Only Alice would be so on top of things, even with all the drama surrounding us.

Not wasting another minute, I peeled out of my spot and flew down the winding drive, only slowing once I reached the main road. It was then that small, nagging doubts crept into my mind.

What if she didn't want me there?

Why would Alice tell me to go if she didn't?

What if I messed it all up?

I swallowed my nerves and pressed down on the gas again. I could ask every question, and worry over every possible outcome, but it would do no good.

All I had was hope - faith - that somehow everything would work out.

* * *

_Hope you liked it! _

_Ah, the review button. That reminds me: A **HUGE** thank you goes out to SexyLexiCullen for her rec! I was so amazed by the amount of new readers and reviews it brought me. You're a doll, sweets. Thank you, so much._

_Have you ever had to go on nothing but faith? Was it hard for you?_

_Let me hear you. _

_xo -_

_OBL_


	13. Changing Perspectives

_A/N - I have to send massive amounts of love to GrayMatters for her amazing beta skills. She's not only beta'd this chapter for me, but nine drabbles and a massive one-shot that will post in November. All while starting her own fic. (Link will be at bottom. I highly recommend reading it. It's incredible.) My apologies go out to Sue and Katie, I know you didn't get your beta on but I promised an update today and I try my best to never break my promises._

_I forgot to do this with my last update: Dear Carrie, I wish I could respond to your amazing and inspiring reviews. I can't tell you how much your kind and insightful words have made me smile and given fed the urge to write. You truly made my day. Thank you._

**All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephenie Meyer,**** I'm simply playing around with New Moon**.

_Last chapter: Bella and Jasper had a chat. Edward eavesdropped and then got his ass handed to him by Tanya._

* * *

...

"Now we walk together

Knowing where we've been

Knowing mistakes are being mistaken again

It's in the past tense

There is no making sense of it now.

All that I'm asking for

Is that you need nothing more

And nothing comes in between

Our love and it's fragile, see.

All that I'm asking for

You're all that I'm asking for."

- All That I'm Asking For; Lifehouse

…

I sat in my car, parked on the street across from Bella's house. Resting my head against the steering wheel, I stared longingly at her open window. I wanted, so desperately, to close the distance between us. I found myself wishing that she would just look out and find me waiting. She'd smile and wave me up. I'd waste no time crossing the distance from my Volvo to her window and then we'd spend the night wrapped in each other's embrace, talking, kissing, loving.

I shook my head, knowing that wishing was useless. I could either spend the night in my car, waiting for some unknown sign or I could man up, as Emmett would say, and make the first move. For the first time in a long time, I missed Alice's constant interference. If this situation had happened before, I would already have at least five texts and a voicemail telling me exactly what I should do.

I lifted my head and stared at my phone, eventually drumming my fingers against the wheel in agitation. I willed it to buzz with a message. But when several more minutes had passed, I sighed in resignation and grabbed it. I quickly typed out a message, and hit send before I could talk myself out of it. I waited with bated breath for a response. Any response.

Just as I was about to give up and either head back to my house with my tail between my legs, or force my way inside Bella's, the front door opened and Bella stood resting against the doorjamb. Apprehension and wariness painted her features, but she still raised her phone and motioned me inside with a jut of her chin. The speed I used to leave my Volvo and run to her side should have been embarrassing, but I couldn't be bothered by it.

I was only beginning to realize how starved I was for contact, of any kind, with Bella. I knew I had missed her, enough so that I had nearly driven myself insane with it, but after seeing her, speaking with her, touching her …It physically hurt to be without her.

She arched one perfect brow and nearly smirked at my display, before she sighed and shook her head.

"Kitchen," she muttered before turning and stomping off in its direction. I watched her go with no small amount of trepidation before I closed the door quietly and followed her like a lost puppy. The robust scent of tomato, garlic and Italian seasoning peppered the air and I found Bella standing at the stove. Her back was turned to me and after several minutes of rocking on my heels awkwardly, I had enough. We couldn't fix anything if we ignored the purple elephant in the room.

Or the sparkly vampire, to be more accurate.

"So…lasagna?" I rubbed the bridge of my nose, while rolling my eyes at myself. I felt much like I did when I first spoke to her about the weather. Like an idiot.

"Yeah," Bella said on a sigh. "I couldn't sleep and I haven't really cooked a good meal for Charlie in a while, so…" she let her words trail off and I found myself taking a closer look at her, while the opportunity presented itself. Her usual small frame was much tinier now and guilt dug its way through me. After a few more beats of silence she turned and pointed to the table, "Take a seat, Edward. You're making me nervous."

I did as I was told and took my place at the small table, content with watching her work but desperate for conversation. With my new found promise of honesty in mind, I began with a small confession.

"I was worried about you earlier." My words were mumbled and low, but she paused and turned to me in askance.

"Worried? About what?" She crossed her arms and leaned against the counter, giving off an air of nonchalance.

"When Jasper brought you home," I said, staring down at my hands. Being honest was harder than I expected.

"Jasper…" she stated, sucking her teeth. "You were worried about me being alone with him?" At my nod, she scoffed bringing my eyes back to her face. "I'm sorry, Edward, but that's laughable. Of all the shit that's happened today, you were worried that…what? He'd go insane with thirst and nom on my neck before we made it to my house?" My eyes widened as she slapped her legs angrily and pushed away from the counter.

"My God, you are such a hypocrite sometimes!" I leaned back in my chair, a little stung by her accusation and shocked by the amount of anger in her tone. "You of all people should be more understanding, Edward. I mean, you very nearly drained me when you first met me and had to run away to keep from doing so, only to climb through my window and watch me sleep a few short weeks later. Jasper's been in my life for almost a year and yet you doubt him because of one minor slip-up?" She threw her hands up in the air and glared at me.

I couldn't contain my short incredulous laugh.

"Minor, Bella, really? He would have attacked you. If it hadn't been for my family and myself –"

She cut me off, nodding furiously and almost screaming. "Exactly!" I watched incredulously as she paced around the small kitchen. "If it hadn't been for you and your family, Edward!" She shook her head at my look of confusion and I was once again irritated by her silent mind. "Tell me again, Edward, how does Jasper's gift work?" Her tone was caustic as she placed her hands on her hips and stared me down.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes before I answered her.

"You know how his gift works, Bella. He can feel others emotions, but that has nothing-" I huffed in aggravation as she cut me off once again.

"It has _everything_ to do with it!" she shouted angrily. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but he can feel everything everyone around him is feeling, can he not?" At my nod, she continued ticking her list off on her fingers with a furious expression. "So he can feel love, anger, lust," a small blush bloomed in her cheeks with that and I swallowed before diverting my eyes momentarily, "and yet it surprises you that he tried to attack me that day? Are you really that blind, Edward?"

I stared at her silently, annoyed and a little hurt.

"You really don't see it, do you?" she whispered. "I got a paper-cut. In a house full of vampires. If you think I wasn't terrified, you're stupid. So if you add my fear and six _other_ vampires bloodlust to Jasper's, then compound it with your fear of me being attacked and most likely Alice's as well, is it really all that surprising that he snapped?"

I blinked at her in surprise for several long moments. It pained me when I realized that I had never given much thought to what occurred on Bella's birthday beyond Jasper's past diet and all the drama that followed that horrific evening.

"I know you think I don't have one ounce of self-preservation in my body, Edward, but I'm not fucking stupid. I wouldn't put my life in jeopardy if I didn't fully believe Jasper could handle being alone with me." She shook her head at me angrily before turning back to her task and muttering, "If you refuse to trust my judgment, this is never going to work."

I was surprised by the anger that bubbled up in my chest at that. I stood, emboldened by the emotion and marched over, turning her to face me with a little more force than necessary.

"But I _did_!" I shouted, ignoring her look of shock. "I _did_ trust your judgment! I didn't chase after you and I didn't tell Jasper to let me drive you home when he asked if I was okay with it. It was hard for me to do, yes. And I probably wouldn't have been able to do it if Alice hadn't been there holding my hand through it all, but I _did_ do it." I let her go and paced in the small kitchen.

"I'm _trying_, Bella," I stated, shaking my head at her. "It's hard. I'm so used to trying to shield you from everything to keep you safe. But I know that's part of what went wrong before and I want to do everything right this time, but it's _so hard_," I stopped my pacing and tugged on my hair in frustration. "I find myself scrutinizing my every decision, second-guessing myself at every turn. I don't want to make the same mistakes, but it's a fight against what I know is right and what I worry will go wrong. It's completely terrifying."

I watched as she struggled for words, her expression nearly stunned, until she slumped against the counter hanging her head.

"I know," she muttered, her voice thick with defeat. "I know that you're trying, Edward. And I realize that I'm not really giving you enough credit, but it's hard for me to." Bella looked up at me then, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "I'm still so fucking pissed at you. God Edward, you have no idea how much I want to just act like it's no big deal. How much I want to just wrap my arms around you and never let go, _but I can't_," she shook her head as tears rained down her cheeks. "I can't just ignore everything that happened. You _left_ me. After all the promises you made, after everything we shared…you just left."

I moved a step closer, before she held up a hand stopping me in my tracks.

"You were scared. I get it. I _really_ do. Because now…now I'm scared. I'm fucking terrified that I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be some ridiculous dream. I'm going to wake up and everyone's still going to be gone and I'll be all alone again. Or even worse, that it's not a dream but you're going to leave again. That you'll make sure I'm safe from Victoria and whatever that whole situation brings, and it'll be that day in the woods all over again," her words cut off sharply on a sob. I watched her fall apart, feeling completely useless as I stayed rooted to my spot giving her the space she requested.

"My mind keeps arguing with my heart, Edward," she sniffled. "Somehow my heart knows that you lied in September, but I'll be damned if my mind doesn't constantly wonder if that was the truth and that you're really lying now. What if this is all just an elaborate scheme to keep me safe? Why did Alice choose to come back now and not a month ago when I was a walking zombie? I want to trust all of you, I really do, but it's so fucking hard to let myself. You _broke_ me, Edward."

I couldn't take it anymore and crossed the room quickly, gathering her in my arms. She struggled against my hold for a moment before giving in and sinking into my embrace. I rubbed soothing circles on her back as she clutched the fabric of my shirt and shook with painful sounding sobs. I swallowed continuously, certain that if I could the burning in my eyes would result in my own tears.

I knew it meant next to nothing, not without proving myself, but I found myself murmuring promises into the crown of her head none-the-less.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I will never leave you again."

"Just give me the chance to prove it, Bella."

…

I was unsure how long we stood there wrapped around each other, before the rumble of an engine permeated our bubble. Bella's head snapped up with a startled gasp and I had to jerk my head away quickly to avoid giving her a concussion from striking my chin.

"Shit, it's Charlie," she whispered frantically, pushing on my chest. I stepped away immediately, watching her in confusion as she turned and looked out the window. "Fuck, you won't make it out of here in time. Shit, shit, shit!" I grimaced at the amount of profanity she was uncharacteristically spewing, no small amount of panic bubbling in my gut. I knew that Charlie was angry with me, but by Bella's reaction, I couldn't help but wonder how far-reaching that anger was.

She was right about being unable to get away undetected as well. Charlie's thoughts had transformed from eagerness to get home and make sure Bella was okay, to panic and a small amount of rage at the sight of my silver Volvo parked outside his home. I picked up no words, just a crippling sense of anger, resentment and worry as he parked his cruiser and quickly made his way inside. Bella and I stared towards the door with wide eyes, unable to avoid the rapidly approaching confrontation.

"Bella!" Charlie's voice thundered throughout the house, as he slammed the front door.

"Oh, fuck," she whispered, her heartbeat racing in my ears. "In the kitchen, dad," she called out weakly, looking at me apologetically.

When Charlie stormed into the small room, I saw nothing but my worried face in his mind.

"Edward," he said curtly with a nod.

"Chief Swan," I murmured, propriety dictating the hand I offered in greeting.

He stared at the proffered gesture for several moments, before crossing his arms across his chest.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded gruffly.

"Dad!" Bella interjected, shaking her head.

"I came to see Bella," I offered weakly.

"Yeah, I kinda gathered that. What made you think you would be welcome to do so?" He glared at me then, his left eye twitching in anger.

"Charlie!" Bella tried again.

"I didn't think I would be, to be honest. I just needed to see her," I said, straightening my back.

"Oh, you _needed_ to see her, did you?" he snarled, and Bella took a step towards him holding out her hands. "Where were you when she got lost in the goddamn woods from chasing after you? Where were you the past two months while she cried herself to sleep and woke herself up screaming?" he yelled while images of Bella nearly catatonic, being carried by a dark-skinned man from the woods and Bella thrashing fitfully in her sleep, flew through his mind.

I recoiled as if he had slapped me, his memories wounding me far more than his anger ever would. Charlie turned his attention to Bella, when she came to a stop in front of him.

"Go to your room, Bells. I need to have a discussion with the boy." His tone left no room for argument, but Bella turned to look at me before she looked back at her father.

"You remember what we talked about last night?" she murmured. At his perfunctory nod, she sighed. "Make sure you consider that while laying into him then." With that she stood on her tip-toes and kissed his cheek, before leaving us alone. Charlie watched her go, before turning back to me.

"She says it's not your fault," he muttered, his lip curled in distaste. "I don't want to believe her. I want to stay pissed and blame you for everything my baby girl has gone through," he huffed shaking his head, the conversation he had with Bella the previous evening running through his mind. "But after she told me that she ran after you that day, I had to admit it made sense. You've never been anything but a gentleman where Bella was concerned, so leading her that deep into the woods and leaving her there just isn't your style." I could tell the words were hard for him to say. In his thoughts, he compared it to drinking battery acid. "But that doesn't let you off the hook, Edward. Not by a long shot."

Charlie stared at me for a long moment before crossing the room and grabbing a beer from the refrigerator. He popped the top and took a long pull, before continuing.

"You reminded me of myself in high school," he murmured. "I would have done anything for Renee, she was my whole world. And you looked at Bella the same way I looked at her mom. Like there was nothing more important than her," he sucked his teeth and stared at the can in his hand. "But then you left. There were no letters or phone calls to make sure she was alright. It was like you just forgot all about her."

I opened my mouth to respond, but stopped when he looked up at me with a dangerously cocked brow.

"And then, out of the blue, your mother and sister show up. I'm a little embarrassed by the way I took my anger out on them, they didn't deserve it and Esme made sure to fight me on your behalf. She said you were as much of a mess as Bella was. And I guess I can see that," he nodded as he took in the dark circles under my eyes and my somewhat haggard appearance.

"But it doesn't change the fact that you hurt my baby, Edward."

My shoulders slumped as I hung my head. I had no argument for him.

"I know, sir."

Charlie pushed away from the refrigerator and moved to stand in front of me.

"I can't force her to leave you alone and I can't order you to stay away, but you best believe that if you so much as step one toe out of line, make her cry, or break her heart again that I will find a way to put you six feet under with no one the wiser. You got me?" His words were whispered but injected with so much venom and malice that I didn't doubt him at all. Never mind that I was a sentinel being, that I could kill him with a flick of my wrist. As I stared into Charlie Swan's eyes, there was no doubt in my mind that he would and could find a way to fulfill his promise.

"Yes, sir," I mumbled, a new found respect for him coloring my words and filling my being.

"Good. I'm glad we understand each other. Now, I don't know how long you've been here, but I think it's been long enough for today."

My eyes drifted to the stairs and I nodded my acceptance with a sigh.

"Yes, sir."

Charlie followed me to the door, our footsteps echoing loudly in the silent house. Just before I made my down the front step, he called out to me.

"It'll take her some time, Edward."

I looked back at him in shock and confusion. He cut his eyes up to Bella's open window, before continuing softly.

"She's still hurting, but us Swans? We don't take love lightly, Edward. It's a forever thing with us and I'm afraid Bella's more like me than her mom when it comes matters of the heart." We stared at each other for a long moment, his thoughts still a little angry but also worried. For both Bella and myself.

He really did see a little of himself in us both. He didn't want either of us to end up like he did.

"Thank you, Chief Swan," I murmured before turning towards my vehicle, stopping only once more when he called out before closing the door.

"I told you before, kid. Call me Charlie."

…

I spent the next few days taking care of myself and offering Bella some space to deal with everything. I finally allowed myself the courtesy of a decent hunt, though I couldn't force myself to go too far. I cleaned up the disastrous mess I had left behind, putting my room back in order. I spent several hours recounting every moment of our separation in one of my journals.

After all that, I felt a little stir-crazy and desperately wanted to see Bella. I grappled with the idea of calling her and asking if she would like some company this evening. For more than an hour. I wanted to give her the time she needed and had done well I thought, only sending texts when I craved her presence too much. She seemed to appreciate the gesture, responding to each one with relative quickness. Bella had also thanked me for allowing her the time to wrap her mind around things. I had picked up my phone, and set it back down for the seventh time when Jasper strolled into my room.

"You're over-thinking things again, douchebag," he stated with a teasing grin.

I groaned and flopped back on my couch, staring up at the ceiling.

"I'm just trying to…I don't want to…I don't know what I'm doing," I muttered.

"Yeah, I gathered," he snorted, before looking at me with a serious expression. "You and Bella are a lot alike, you know. You need to follow your heart, Edward, not your mind. That's what got you in trouble in the first place."

A chorus of murmured agreement floated around the house, with an obnoxious "Damn straight!" coming from Emmett. Moments later he appeared at my door and leaned against the frame with a slight scowl on his face.

Jasper chuckled, while I grumbled at him.

"What now, Emmett?" He had been the most outspoken of my family over the past several days. He never missed an opportunity to tell me how much of an ass I was, or how stupid I had behaved. As much as I appreciated his protectiveness of Bella, it had begun to grate my nerves.

"Nothing," he shrugged. "Just thought I'd make myself readily available if you needed a swift kick in the ass."

I laughed along with Jasper at the sarcastic, wide grin Emmett sent my way. There was no doubt that he could feel Emmett's lingering guilt just as much as I could read it in his thoughts. Emmett continuously berated himself and subsequently me, for letting Bella down in September.

"Don't, Em." I hated how much responsibility he placed upon his shoulders. "You couldn't have changed my mind. There was nothing you could have done," I assured him for the hundredth time. When he nodded, I turned to Jasper, still feeling a little guilty from my conversation with Bella.

"Ugh, I understand it, but the level of angst in this house is killing me," he grumbled, taking a seat on the floor. "Go ahead, Edward. What's eating at you now?" In his mind he imagined himself as a vampire psychiatrist extraordinaire.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," I mumble, catching him off guard. "I placed a lot of blame on you after the incident and I shouldn't have."

"Uh, yeah, you should've," he groused while rubbing his neck self-consciously. "I tried to take a bite out of her, Edward. Pretty sure that set the tumblers in motion with this whole mess."

Emmett scoffed and rolled his eyes, while I shook my head.

"It was a good enough excuse," I muttered. "But by that time, I think was looking for anything that would give me the option to run."

Emmett dropped his arms and made his way into the room, as Jasper looked at me in confusion.

"You had to know I was scared, Jasper. You probably felt my confusion and worry before everything fell apart and dismissed it as my usual brooding jackass behavior. But it was more than that," I admitted. "I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and her birthday gave me an easy way out. One that protected me from her dismissal, when she finally came to her senses." My sigh was long and drawn out before I continued, "I was angry at the world after we left. I beat myself up, as I know you're well aware, but I pushed a lot of that onto you as well. You gave me the perfect excuse and if you hadn't I most likely wouldn't have left, not then anyway."

Jasper arched a brow at me and motioned for me to continue, his thoughts arguing that even though I was a bigger asshole than he gave me credit for, I still hadn't proved him wrong.

"You couldn't have reacted any differently given the circumstances, Jazz." He shook his head furiously, ready to argue but I held up a hand to stop him. "As Bella eloquently and forcefully brought to my attention, you weren't only dealing with your bloodlust, but all of ours as well. In a high-stress situation. I don't think I would've have reacted any differently if I were in your shoes."

Silence fell over the whole house as I finished. Jasper and Emmett stared at me, their thoughts mirroring each of our family members.

"Every single one of us was affected, excluding Carlisle," I murmured thickly. "We all had to leave because the call of her blood was too strong. It was easier to ignore that, to just toss the blame at you than it was for me to consider my true reasons behind leaving. And for that, I am truly sorry, Jasper."

Emmett cleared his throat before murmuring gruffly, "Yeah, Jazz. I'm sorry too, man. I never even thought about it that way."

Jasper blinked at me, his mind reeling, before he stood.

"I think…I need a little time to myself," he whispered. He felt a mixture of hurt, anger and understanding. His predominant emotion was relief, however, his thoughts reflecting that he had never really considered how the outside stimulus had affected him that night. Before he left, Jasper turned and stared at me with a hard expression.

"Quit over-thinking it, Edward," his expression softened before he continued, "let your heart lead."

I looked to Emmett after Jasper departed and he nodded.

"Really, brother. You need to stop second-guessing your every move." He pointed to the phone in my hand. "If you want to call her, then call her. Man up. This emo-bullshit is fucking stupid, Edward."

I heaved a sigh knowing that they both were right, before flipping my phone open. Emmett smiled a true smile with no hidden malice or agenda before leaving me alone. The phone rang a few times before Bella picked up, slightly out of breath.

"Hello?"

"Bella," I felt awkward, realizing with a start that we had never really spent much time on the phone with each other.

"Oh. Hey, Edward," her reply was just as awkward.

"I was wondering if you would mind my company this evening?" I questioned, before rolling my eyes at how stupid I sounded.

"Uh…" she fumbled for a moment and then laughed. "Yeah, um, I mean no, I wouldn't mind."

I chuckled along with her for a moment, before she cleared her throat.

"I should probably warn you, though," she dropped her voice to whisper. "You won't be the only company we have tonight."

"Oh," I said, a little dejectedly. "I don't have to come, it's no big deal." It felt like a big deal. I really wanted to spend time with her.

"No! I, uh, I really do want you to come," Bella mumbled. "Billy and Jacob Black are here and I know that there's weirdness between you guys." Her voice drifted away from the mouthpiece for a moment, before she returned her attention to our conversation. "Jake said to tell you that it's his dad's weirdness, not his," she sighed, grumbling again at who I assumed was Jacob Black.

I clenched and unclenched my jaw several times, knowing from previous run-ins that though the young Black didn't believe the old tribal legends, his father most certainly did. I debated whether or not I should intrude and run the risk of several awkward moments for everyone involved before giving in.

The need to see Bella outweighed everything else.

With that in mind, I told her I would be there shortly.

Nothing would keep me away from her, especially when she wanted me by her side.

…

Bella and Jacob were outside, sitting in the bed of her truck when I arrived. Bella sent a small smile in my direction and then elbowed the boy with an annoyed frown. His thoughts reflected that while he wasn't particularly happy with my presence because of his small crush on Bella, he was resigned to accepting it. He recalled his conversation with Bella and her assurance that she was happy about our return. He had asked if she loved me and she had told him yes.

Jacob considered Bella a good friend and as much as he didn't like it, he could see that my return made her happy. That was all he wanted for her.

With those thoughts in mind, he called out a greeting as I made my way over them.

"Hey, Edward. Welcome back, man."

I gave him the standard guy nod, while marveling over his size. Even sitting down he towered over Bella, when he had been roughly the same size this past Spring.

"Thanks," I murmured looking at Bella. "It's great to be back."

She blushed a little under both of our gazes before shrugging.

"So…"

Jacob laughed loudly, before he hopped off the back of her truck.

"I think I'm going to go…uh, check with Charlie about the pizzas. I'm starving." His eyes danced between Bella and myself, his thoughts laced with humor at our awkwardness. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he laughed while making his way inside.

"God, he can be so annoying sometimes," Bella muttered as she shook her head.

"He has a crush on you," I smirked at the look of horror that crossed her face. "It's true. And he's young. Boys tend to pick on the girls they like," I snickered at my own joke while she scowled at me.

"Yeah, well, he doesn't look all that young. He's almost taller than you," she retorted dryly. "And he's only a little over a year younger than me, Edward."

Bella pursed her lips in annoyance and I felt a little guilty over poking fun of her friend. Only a little though.

"You're right, I'm sorry." I realized that his innocent crush might have spurred some jealousy within me and continued, "He actually seems very nice. As much as my presence annoys him and messed with his 'game plan,' he's glad that you seem happier."

"Jacob does _not_ have a crush on me," she scoffed. "He's like a brother, or something. God, we used to make mud-pies together in our diapers."

"I see that you're still not seeing yourself very clearly," I murmured, before taking Jacob's abandoned seat beside her.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Bella muttered, before letting her head rest against my shoulder. "I'm glad you came," she said after a short silence.

I was about to agree with her when a raised voice drew our attention back to the house.

"After all that family put her though, you're still going to let them come around here?" a voice I didn't recognize, but assumed must belong to Billy Black thundered. Bella grimaced, looking at me in apology but Billy's next thought caught me entirely off guard.

_Two __young men, Sam and Paul, bursting out of their clothing and into the form of two very large wolves_.

* * *

_Breathe. Don't freak out. Trust me. And most importantly, I do not do love triangles. Bella loves Edward. Edward loves Bella. That is all._

_Now, for something AMAZING:_

_http:/www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/s/7435257/1/Til_I_Said_it_to_You_

_She's a serial rescuer with a history of adopting strays. He's selfish and arrogant, cut loose by his family to find himself. Will Bella fall for his act, or will Edward find more than he bargained for? AH/OOC M for language & lemons._

_Go read and review. Trust me, you'll be so glad you did. _


	14. Leap

_A/N - As always, my sincerest thanks go out to Andrea and Sue. They worked incredibly quickly, which means you get another update this week. I love them both, so much._

_I made a playlist for this chapter and thought I would share it:_

_Mess I Made – Parachute; Ghost – Pachute; Miracle – Vertical Horizon; Innocence – Avril Lavigne; Check Yes Juliet – We the Kings; Shake it – Metro Station; Arms – Christina Perri; Come on, Get Higher – Matt Nathanson; The Man Who Can't Be Moved – The Script; Seventeen Forever – Metro Station; Never Gonna Leave This Bed – Maroon Five._

_This is a special posting, I will not update twice often. The baby demands too much of my attention for that. Silly baby._

**All recognizable characters and quotes belong to Stephenie Meyer; I'm simply playing around with New Moon.**

_I don't think a recap is necessary but in the last chapter: Edward and Bella argued. Charlie gave Edward a friendly warning and a little advice. Edward apologized to Jasper and we learned that things...I mean people, are changing down in La Push._

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Sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down.

- Kobi Yamada

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I walked out of the trendy boutique Alice had dragged Angela and myself into, the mid-December wind whipping my hair into my face. The bitter chill was just another reminder of how close we were to the holidays.

I had been dumbstruck a couple of days ago when Angela mentioned that she needed to finish her Christmas shopping. I hadn't given Christmas or Christmas shopping a single thought. I did have a few good excuses for it though.

_I'm sorry, but I have psychotic vampire who's thirsting for revenge and plotting my demise. I'm trying to figure out a way to survive and it's just a time-consuming thing._

_I'm sorry, my vampire soul-mate suddenly and unexpectedly returned to my life. I've been a little occupied with that._

_I'm sorry, I just learned about treaties and legends that are completely true resulting in an apparent reemergence of Werewolves in our tiny town. I'm just a teensy bit busy trying to not freak out._

I couldn't use any of them, but they _were_ good. Really, I considered myself lucky that I wasn't locked up in a mental hospital. The fact that I had overlooked the rapidly approaching holiday hadn't disturbed me all that much, what bothered me was the way Alice perked up at the news. The evil sprite claimed that she had yet to do any shopping as well and Angela, being sweet as always, suggested a day trip to Seattle so we could all get it done.

It was just the cherry on top of two very _odd _weeks.

I had been excited to see Edward that Sunday. I knew he was trying to respect my boundaries and I had appreciated it, but I had also missed him. So when he came over, even though Jake and his dad were there, I was happy. I thought we might get the chance to talk.

We did talk, but it wasn't what I was expecting. After Billy's outburst, Edward had just frozen wide-eyed. It had taken me shaking his arm to bring his attention back to me and I was shocked to see naked panic written on his face. I'd asked what was wrong and he stared at me hard for several moments before sighing and telling me everything.

The legend Jake had told me all those months ago was true. _Completely_ true. Not just about the Cold Ones, but about the tribe itself. Apparently, they really could change into super-sized wolves and at least two boys had already gone through the transformation.

Edward had apologized profusely, brushing his fingers down my cheek much like he used to before everything happened and saying he had to talk to Carlisle immediately. I had been disappointed but obviously understood. I mean, werewolves that have one purpose and that purpose is to destroy you? Yeah, I understood.

After Edward left and a lot of awkward tension throughout dinner, I'd excused myself. It had been a long weekend and I just wanted to sleep. Why I was surprised by Edward waiting outside my house the next morning, I'm not sure. I guess I had thought it would take more time to get re-enrolled for school, but no, he was there waiting for me.

And that started a fire in the local gossip mill. Everyone watched us and hid whispers behind their hands. Edward flinched at least a million times over the first couple days. I could only imagine what my classmate's thoughts reflected. I had been a walking zombie while the Cullens were gone, only barely speaking when directly spoken to.

The only good thing that had come from the past two weeks was better communication between Edward and me. He'd tell me when something he heard or saw in others' thoughts affected him greatly and I'd explain what had happened if I could. He was more open, even playful at times and I loved every second of it. I was still guarded of course, not fully believing that it wouldn't all change in the blink of an eye, but it was nice all the same.

Well, until now.

I knew that on some level, I was being unfair. I just couldn't get past Alice's betrayal. I wanted to and had in some ways, but it still hurt so badly. She didn't give up though. On their first day back at Forks High, Alice waited by the front doors for me. She held a large spiced cider and apple muffin while wearing a timid smile. When I had looked at her askance, she just shrugged and said she thought it would be a nice way to start the day. She had become my shadow during school, following me around like an eager puppy. She was always there, ready for whatever I was willing to give. I knew she just wanted our easy friendship back, but I just couldn't offer it yet.

I knew she was trying. I understood that. Hell, when Alice saw the small grimace I couldn't hide at her exuberant acceptance of Angela's invitation she had pulled me aside and quietly offered to have something come up. The forlorn look on her face had tugged at something in my stomach. I couldn't tell her not to come and figured it couldn't be all that bad.

I had been wrong. Alice jumped at the chance to play best friends again and it grated on my nerves.

The entire drive to Seattle she had tried to engage me in conversation, offering advice on gifts for everyone she could think of. I'd listened half-heartedly and murmured an occasional agreement, silently thanking Angela when she picked up on my reluctance and asked Alice for her opinion on what she should get Ben. When we arrived in Seattle, Alice immediately pulled us toward the trendiest shops she could find. I followed without complaint, but after two hours of 'oohing and ahhing' over things that didn't remotely interest me, I'd had enough.

The cold temperature wasn't inviting in the least, but I needed a break. I slowly made my way down the crowded sidewalk, occasionally looking into the shops I passed. I knew what I wanted to buy for Charlie and Renee, but was lost when it came to Edward. He had everything, and if there was something that he wanted, he could easily purchase it for himself rather than wait to have it gifted to him.

Several blocks from where I left Alice and Angela, a little antique shop caught my eye. The warm air inside was a welcome respite as was the lack of holiday shoppers. I looked around for a bit, my hopes falling when nothing grabbed my attention. I made my way back out into the frigid weather, my mood souring even further. I continued in the opposite direction of the boutique, not ready to go back yet.

I had just decided to duck into a café for something warm to drink, when a noise from the alley caught me off guard. I turned, my pulse quickening when the memory of another alley in another place came to mind, to find a young girl digging through a dumpster. I watched her while trying to calm myself and felt my heart drop into my stomach when she pulled a half-eaten sandwich out and took a bite. My feet propelled me towards her, as if they had a mind of their own. She looked up and dropped the sandwich when she noticed my approach. Shock ran through me as I noticed how young she was; she couldn't have been older than sixteen.

I held up my hands when she started backing away.

"I didn't mean to scare you." I kept my voice soft, afraid that she would run away.

"What do you want?" she asked, her panicked eyes bouncing around the alleyway as though she was looking for an escape route. "I wasn't bothering anything!"

I felt a pang in my chest at her pleading tone. My troubles seemed really petty at that moment and I shook my head at myself, attempting to smile at the girl reassuringly.

"I know you weren't. I just…well, I saw you…looking for…" I nodded towards the dumpster, not wanting to embarrass or offend her.

"Yeah," she whispered while looking down at her feet, her pale, dirty cheeks coloring in a blush that reminded me of myself. "I have to eat somehow."

Sudden tears clouded my vision, my heart breaking for her.

"I was just going to get something to drink in there," I pointed in the direction of the café. "Would you like to join me?" I wracked my mind furiously, trying to think of a way to help her. I knew I could call Charlie, but something told me this girl wouldn't want to talk to Chief Swan.

"Really?" Her voice was so hopeful that I found myself swallowing back a sob.

"Really." I nodded, motioning her closer. "I'm Bella, by the way."

"Bree. I'm Bree," she murmured, following me out of the alley.

…

It hadn't even been five minutes before Alice burst through the café doors, her eyes searching the crowd frantically until they landed on me. She made her way over to us with Angela following closely behind her. I took a sip of my hot chocolate and motioned for Bree to keep eating when they arrived at our table. The poor girl looked like she wanted to run, especially when Alice began to speak.

"Thank God, Bella. I was so worried that we wouldn't find you," Alice said, her eyes bouncing nervously around the small restaurant. I looked at her with no small amount of shock; I hadn't sent her a text knowing that she could see where I'd be. "Oh, who's your friend? I'm Alice," she asked cheerfully before giving me a peculiar look.

"This is Bree," I murmured, confused.

"Hi," Bree mumbled around a bite of her sandwich, keeping her eyes downcast. Alice smiled at her gently while Angela said hello and then excused herself to get something to drink. After another poignant look from Alice, I excused myself as well.

"I need to talk to Alice really quick," I whispered to Bree. "Don't leave, okay?" At her nod, I turned to Alice and followed her to the restroom. "What's going on?" I demanded, crossing my arms across my chest.

"I'm not exactly sure," Alice mumbled. At my dubious look, she continued. "No, really! I saw that you needed some time alone and were going to take a walk, so I kept shopping. One minute I was looking at a nice cashmere sweater for Esme and the next I see you talking with Bree. But then, I saw a blonde vampire being berated by Victoria for losing one of her army members." She shook her head, looking at me with wide eyes. "His name is Riley. He's her recruiter or something. Bella…" she trailed off.

"What?" I questioned, not understanding. "What is it, Alice?"

"He was going to take Bree."

…

Two hours later, we were pulling into Port Angeles to meet Carlisle and Esme.

After Alice's revelation, we knew we needed to leave fairly quickly. We had no idea how close Victoria was or if she was close at all. The only problem was Bree. I couldn't leave her behind, especially knowing that she had been marked for an unwilling death by Riley and Victoria.

When we had made our way back to the table, Alice took the lead. She had asked Bree where she was from, and Bree had shrugged saying Seattle. Alice asked where her winter coat was, that it was much too cold outside for the lightweight jacket Bree was wearing. Her answer was that she didn't have one. Angela had watched us all in confusion, until I asked if Bree was still hungry. Her eyes had widened before softening and she offered to get some muffins for all of us, dabbing at her eyes while making her way back to the counter. Alice had moved to the other side of Bree then, murmuring something I couldn't hear.

That was when Bree told us her story.

Her mother had left almost a year before and he father had turned to alcohol as an escape. Bree told us that at first he was just drunk all the time, but that he eventually became angry and violent towards her and blamed Bree for her mother's departure. She told us that she had an aunt in Texas that knew about everything and wanted to help, but neither of them had the money to get Bree down there. After another beating that resulted in several broken ribs, she had run away and been living on the streets ever since.

Luckily, the Cullens cover story of being foster children that had been adopted worked to our advantage. We had both consoled Bree while Alice told her about Carlisle and Esme. She explained how wonderful they were and that she knew they would be willing to help if Bree would let them. With a little reluctance and the promise that she wouldn't be sent back to her father, well that, and a promise that I _would_ call my father if she refused, Bree had agreed. Like I expected, she did not want 'Chief Swan' involved in any capacity. Alice had made a quick call explaining the situation as we made our way back to where we parked, not wanting to remain in Seattle any longer than we had to.

The car ride was mostly silent, our scattered conversations dying off as quickly as they would start. I sat in the back with Bree and the young girl fell asleep on my shoulder. Once again, I found myself thinking about my problems in comparison to hers. Yes, I had some serious shit hanging over my head thanks to Victoria, but so had Bree until I intervened.

I had a home. I had food readily available, anytime I desired it. I had a warm bed to sleep in every night. I had everything a girl could need.

I was loved. By so many people.

Charlie and Renee, of course. Even Phil, awkward as our relationship was, loved me.

Then there was Edward.

God, he loved me so much. I knew that. I had always known that. His love for me had never been our problem. It was his fear then, and my fear now, that had broken us.

Edward's lie and subsequent defection seemed utterly insignificant, as Bree rested against my shoulder. I felt petty. I felt stupid.

Yes, Edward had made a mistake. They all had, but they were trying to rectify them. They were trying to make things right. And I wasn't letting them.

It was a bitter pill to swallow.

Angela had called her parents and asked them to pick her up, so when we pulled into Port Angeles, she had us drop her off at the town square. She begged us to let her know how everything turned out, before murmuring a soft goodbye.

Alice navigated through the busy streets easily.

"They're going to take her to Portland International for her flight," she whispered without me asking.

I looked down at Bree for a moment before meeting her eyes in the rearview mirror.

"Will she be all right?" I questioned quietly, Bree's future weighing heavily on my mind.

Alice was silent for several moments before she smiled. "She'll be more than all right, Bella. She'll be happy, healthy and loved." We both heaved a sigh of relief at that.

A few minutes later, Alice parked by the pier where Carlisle and Esme were waiting. Esme held several colorful bags and I knew without a doubt that they were all for Bree. I nudged the sleeping girl gently, smiling when her dark eyes opened and glanced around blearily.

"We're here," I whispered, as Alice opened her door. Bree caught me off guard by wrapping her arms around my neck and squeezing tightly.

"I will _never_ forget you, Bella. I can't thank you enough." She sniffled softly and I returned her embrace while fighting tears of my own.

…

It was only three o'clock when Alice and I began the drive back to Forks. We had spent roughly an hour with everyone in Port Angeles, making sure that Bree was comfortable with Carlisle and Esme before we left. The goodbye had been bittersweet, Bree's sobbed thanks breaking all of our hearts. It didn't matter that we told her she didn't need to thank us, that we were only doing what anyone should do. She said we'd saved her life, that she could never show her gratitude properly.

She was half right, at least.

Alice's voice broke me out of my daze and I pulled my head away from its resting place on the window.

"What? I'm sorry, Alice…I wasn't paying attention," I said while rubbing my tired eyes.

"I asked if you were okay." She cut her eyes to me briefly before returning her attention to the road. I sighed heavily and really thought about her question.

Was I okay? I wasn't entirely sure.

"I think so," I murmured, allowing my head to rest against the cool glass once again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Her usual cheerful tone was missing. She actually sounded timid.

I groaned when I realized that Alice was afraid of pushing me, afraid that I'd shut her out again. I pulled my head away from the window once again and slammed it into the headrest.

"I feel like an ungrateful bitch," I muttered before shaking my head ruefully. "I mean, I've been acting like the world was coming to an end for months and I've been cold and distant to all of you since you came back…and then…seeing Bree…"

I didn't know how to finish, so I just let my words taper off. Alice was quiet, only drumming her fingers gently against the steering wheel for several minutes. I shifted uneasily in my seat, the silence feeling oppressive.

"I want things to be normal again. I want to be normal again," I finally stated when it became too much for me stand.

Alice sighed, long and slow.

"I can understand that, Bella. But have you really tried?" At my incredulous look she continued, "I'm not trying to piss you off, but Bella, we've all been playing by your rules. Well, I might have pushed them a little, but that's just my personality. We've given you space when you've asked for it, we've taken your anger without a fight because we know we deserve it. We've apologized and we're all trying to make things better, but you seem to holding on to everything…almost like you're using it as a shield or something. I mean, you're keeping us at arm's length and anytime we get too close, you push us away again." I blinked at her, hating that her words were true. I wanted to argue. I wanted to list all the things that they had done which justified my behavior, but that was her point.

I _was_ refusing to face it all. It was easier to be angry. Anger felt good. Without my anger, I was just a hurt and broken girl that needed to be pieced back together. I blinked rapidly trying to fight off the traitorous tears that were swimming in my eyes.

"I don't know how to let it go, Alice," I finally whispered thickly. "I can't just forget about it."

"You don't have to forget it, Bella," she murmured, placing one of her tiny hands on my knee. "You just have to let yourself remember that while we hurt you, we still love you. We'd do anything for you and you know that. You just have to let yourself see it."

…

When we arrived at my house, I made Alice promise to send Edward over once he returned from his hunting trip. Charlie had an overnight shift and had already left by the time I made it home. I trudged up the stairs and into my room. I felt wound up, but completely drained at the same time. My stomach was in knots, my chest felt tight, and it was like I couldn't get a deep enough breath. I felt like I was balancing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the unknown, unable to decide whether I would jump or not.

I carelessly tossed my coat into the rocking chair before falling onto my bed face first. After a few moments, I turned my face towards my window.

I guess I should have expected it, after everything my day had brought to the surface.

My eyes focused on the subtle scuff marks marring the otherwise perfect sill and memories flooded my mind. I remembered the first time Edward climbed through it with my knowledge, after we had spent the day in his meadow. After we'd confessed to our feelings. After our first kiss.

I didn't bother trying to fight the tears, letting them fall freely. It felt good to let it out.

Edward had been so carefree that evening. He'd teased me playfully, we'd talked, and then held me until I fell asleep.

I _missed_ that.

I _missed_ his smiles. The wide but slightly crooked grins that only I could bring out.

I _missed_ our late night conversations. The ones where we could be more honest because the darkness made us feel protected and concealed.

I _missed_ the way he'd sing me to sleep. He had a pattern. Hum two bars then kiss the crown of my head. Hum three more bars; kiss my temple. Hum the last bar and whisper 'I love you' into the crook of my neck.

I wasn't always awake to hear it, but I knew he said it just the same.

I missed _him_. I missed _my_ Edward.

I stuttered through a tearful wail, when it all came crashing down on me. On some level I had already acknowledged that _my _Edward was patiently waiting for me to come around and hold him close once again. I had let my fear of being hurt take over and push him away just to see if he'd keep coming back. I was playing some ridiculous version of tug-o-war with his heart. I curled in on myself, clutching my knees to my chest while I cried.

I was terrified. My anger was justified and my hurt most certainly ran deep, but we could never share those carefree moments again unless I took a leap of faith.

Bree's face flashed through my mind and I choked on a sob. She had lived through absolute hell and was still strong. I had my heart broken and I had been lied to. There was no comparison and yet I was the one falling apart.

With a deep shuddering breath, I sat up and rubbed my eyes furiously. I battled against little hiccupping sobs, trying desperately to find my strength, when a pair of strong, cold arms wrapped around me.

"Shh, Bella. It's okay, love," Edward crooned, rocking both of us gently. I couldn't fight the pathetic sounding whimper that escaped me as I clutched his arms keeping us locked together. "Alice explained what happened," he murmured close to my ear.

I nodded incapable of words.

"Bree's going to be fine, Bella. We know more about Victoria and how she's getting around Alice's visions. All because of you." He kissed my temple and my next breath came a little easier. "You never cease to amaze me, love."

"I'm so _sorry_, Edward," I said, turning to face him when his arms loosened.

"_For what_?" he asked, looking legitimately confused.

I swallowed thickly while he watched me with a small degree of wariness. I had done that to him. I made him second-guess himself.

"For pushing you away? For acting childishly? I don't know. It's just…with everything I saw today, my issues seem…stupid." I shrugged helplessly, knowing I wasn't explaining it right.

Edward's eyes softened as he reached out and brushed his thumb over my cheek.

"Your 'issues' aren't stupid, Bella. You have every right-" I shook my head furiously while grabbing his hands and lacing our fingers together.

"No. No, I don't." I urged him to understand. "I can be hurt and I can be upset, but I have no right to torture you or your family because of it. And that's what I've been doing, even if I didn't realize it. And I'm just…_so_ sorry. God! All day, no…for the past several days, I've been angry that I'd have to spend time with Alice. I told myself that it was because she wouldn't stop pushing, but it wasn't. I was upset because she made me miss what we used to have and I didn't want to forgive her yet." My tears returned. "How horrible is that? Who does that?" Disgust painted my words and I hung my head feeling ashamed.

"I did it," Edward whispered, ducking his head and meeting my eyes. He looked so sad and it made my chest ache. "I pushed everyone away and told them it was their fault. They wouldn't stop thinking about you or they wouldn't leave me alone to wallow in my misery and therefore it was their fault. Bella, everyone reacts similarly," he said, placing a finger under my chin and lifting my head gently. "Our first instinct is always to protect ourselves. You're scared. You don't want to be hurt again. It makes sense."

I shook my head causing more tears to fall down my face and Edward sighed before pulling me onto his lap. I tucked my head under his chin and grasped the fabric of his shirt. We sat like that quietly for a while, before my eyes started to feel heavy and sluggish.

"Edward?" I whispered, playing with one of the buttons on his shirt.

"Hmm?" he responded, a contented sigh ruffling my hair as he did so.

"Stay?" I looked up at him then, wanting him to see that I meant it.

"For as long as you want me," Edward replied with sincerity burning in his golden eyes.

We held each other's gaze for several heartbeats. The love I saw shining there took my breath away. Unable to resist, I leaned in and pressed my lips against his gently. His arms wound around my waist almost immediately, holding on to me tightly as he returned the kiss. I let my hands wander, eventually finding their home in his unruly locks. I could feel Edward's hands flexing around my hips, almost as if he was fighting the urge to pull me even closer. I made the decision for him and tugged him closer by his hair, the whimper that escaped him making my heart flutter and my body heat.

Just when I thought I could take no more, the need to breathe overruling everything else, his lips travelled across my jaw and down my neck.

"I will always want you," I whispered breathlessly, but with as much force as I could. I felt several shudders rip through him at my words while his hands turned to fists in my shirt. His breaths became choppy and rapid, and I dropped several kisses against his temple trying to soothe him like had done for me.

"God, _I missed you_," Edward sobbed into the space between my shoulder and neck. I kept my arms wrapped around his neck firmly and pulled him down to the bed. Once we were lying down and wrapped up in each other, I gently ran my fingers through his hair. Small trembles shook his frame as he clung to me.

"I missed you too," I murmured softly, nuzzling the top of his head with my cheek. "I love you, Edward. That's never going to change. Even when I'm angry, even when I'm pushing you away…I still love you."

"Forever," he whispered fervently against my skin and I nodded in agreement.

"Forever."

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_*clears throat* Ah, well, yes. So there's that..._

_We have kissing folks. Lip to lip contact. Alert the masses._

_Happy times dance now?_

_And to anyone who has read The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner - I simply had to save her. Bree just breaks my heart. I wish I could have saved Deigo as well, but alas he would already be changed and it just wasn't within my power._

_Love it? Hate it?_

_How do you feel when you're sad?_

_ Bella's description - stomach in knots, tight chest, feeling like you can't breathe deeply enough - that's exactly how I feel when I'm heartbroken and forlorn._


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